“As someone with a “big personality” who blurts things out and later regrets them—someone prone to a Ready-Fire-Aim approach to life”
This made me laugh out loud! I am soooo with you on this one, Nadia!! My husband passed away earlier this month unexpectedly. My way to deal w/ hide from a lot of things is humor. Some of the things I said during those first days left some people wide-eyed and wondering about my stability. When I met w/ my financial guys, I COULD NOt wrap my head around one of the legal pieces we needed to go through…I understood everything else. But there have been multiple nights where I laid awake beating myself up and being embarrassed over things I said while grief/adrenaline fueled and about my confusion around legal processes. Until one night I finally understood I get to give myself grace too, just like I do for others. There’s not one way to grieve. I get to do it my way - regardless of how it looks and feels to others. And I GET to ask my financial people over and over again if I don’t understand something. THEY’RE the experts - not me. I pay them to talk to me in language I can understand 🤣 “So there!!” I thought w/ a sassy smirk, and went back to sleep:)
Yes! I know from personal experience, loosing your partner is gut wrenching and intensely personal. We get to negotiate it in any way we can. My condolences and sending big hugs.
@Nadia Bolz-Weber A therapist asked me if I could take just one tiny percentage of the big compassion I have for others and give it myself. Just the tiniest, most miniscule percent, smaller than half a percent, whatever I can manage. That helps me so much to this day. That tiny percent (about the size of the word "love") is big enough for God to get a foothold.
Ah, the 3AM solo, self-inflicted firing squad revue! How often have I buried my head in shame, tears, and recriminations in that same scenario over my 72 years? I am block-headed, bumble-footed, and mumble-tounged (in other words, I'm a man), and can always name 1001 reasons why I'll never get anything "right" in this life (nor deserve to). The ghosts that I allow to haunt me can be from the same day previous, from decades past, or mere "guilty" passing thoughts I had at some point, and not ever actually existing in the real world at all. It doesn't matter. I share your same impulse of wanting to call the moving vans immediately in the morning and leave town in the dead of night at the next opportunity. I know the stuff of which I am made, and have such a palpable sense of it, that it is almost like an odor - and a repellant one. But I know (somehow) that God still loves me, much like we ourselves would still love a pet dog that digs in the garden, jumps up on the furniture, and chews the pillows when the master is not around. The master knows the dog is a dog. Yes, I am more than a dog, and God is more than a dog owner. But I think as analogies go, it sort of holds. I still feel like the publican in Luke 18:9–14, beat my breast, and ask for mercy, knowing what I am, wishing I were otherwise, and knowing no other solution than helplessly falling on my knees. That is the human condition as I know it. Then I wake in the morning and do it all over again . . . maybe a little better, maybe a little worse, but not a whole lot different, just more worn out. Perhaps there is a circus I could run away and join? Oh yes, there is the church. That's been my circus all along. Thank you for the thoughts you share. I do think they help clarify things. And writing about it here helps too.
Three years ago I got caught up in a gift card scam. I still say that I didn't lose $7,000; I gave it away. I endured three of the worst months of my life.
At the end of the 1st month of hell I visited my sister and she knew what had happened. She has a stronger faith than me and had endured tragedies with her children. Thank God she got through those times.
Shortly into the visit she said "You're grieving. Why do you suppose that is. " I said that I thought was too smart to get caught up in such a thing... so many red flags in the process. Pride!
The next week some hotshot financial professional went on the news about her getting involved with a scam. There were people asking how a professional could do something stupid. I knew.
Though I've forgiven myself, mostly, I've obviously not forgotten. Good blessed me with a husband who never criticized me but instead helped and supported me.
...ahhh... been there, done that... countless moments... and it is always the same one or two incidences from how many years ago... but they still rise up...
...We are filled with Love... We are surrounded by Love... We are vibrating with Love... We Are Love...
Though I have been successful in limiting my "shame ruminating" recently, just the other night I woke shortly after going to bed with intense pain in my hips and pelvis. On the pain scale, it was a 10! I tried all the usual things to deal with it to no avail, so I asked the pain what it needed. It replied LOVE.
The pain showed itself to me as a tight ball of a little person desperately trying to protect herself - frightened and alone. So I loved her. I let her know I would not leave her. I would give her whatever she needed. The tears came and they were tears of relief. Grateful tears. I held her, the pain subsided and we fell peacefully asleep together.
The following morning my mind was full of questions but my body answered them. Self love is a powerful thing and it is never too late to start loving every single part of yourself.
You, Nadia, have helped me realize the importance of loving myself without shame. I am so grateful. Thank you for your honesty, being unapologetically you and sharing yourself and your experiences with such candor.
There was that time in 8th grade where I told a boy his socks didn't match, then that time I made a thoughtless antisemitic comment, and then that time I didn't notice my daughter was being sexually abused. Thanks for this post, Sophia must be speaking to us both. 💜
Thank you Nadia. Your post is my #40daysofgoodshit.:)
I love the reference of two sides of the same coin-one of my fav subtle tools in my recovery toolbox-false pride/fear; fat/skinny; shame/superiority; love/hate and on & on. Dang, I still carry an all or nothing attitude AND even recognize it once in awhile!! I will chose Love today! ODAAT
All my life I have dealt with the lack of self love. I've never felt worthy of self love and not from a pride, simply not worthy. I am not certain why I feel this way but I do, although I have a good friend who tells me I am worthy of loving myself. So I understand where you come from that it's difficult to love yourself
Shame and superiority—two sides of the same coin. That really hits home!
“As someone with a “big personality” who blurts things out and later regrets them—someone prone to a Ready-Fire-Aim approach to life”
This made me laugh out loud! I am soooo with you on this one, Nadia!! My husband passed away earlier this month unexpectedly. My way to deal w/ hide from a lot of things is humor. Some of the things I said during those first days left some people wide-eyed and wondering about my stability. When I met w/ my financial guys, I COULD NOt wrap my head around one of the legal pieces we needed to go through…I understood everything else. But there have been multiple nights where I laid awake beating myself up and being embarrassed over things I said while grief/adrenaline fueled and about my confusion around legal processes. Until one night I finally understood I get to give myself grace too, just like I do for others. There’s not one way to grieve. I get to do it my way - regardless of how it looks and feels to others. And I GET to ask my financial people over and over again if I don’t understand something. THEY’RE the experts - not me. I pay them to talk to me in language I can understand 🤣 “So there!!” I thought w/ a sassy smirk, and went back to sleep:)
Linda, I’m so sorry about you losing your husband. Good Lord, that is gutting.
Yes! I know from personal experience, loosing your partner is gut wrenching and intensely personal. We get to negotiate it in any way we can. My condolences and sending big hugs.
Such a grown up!
@Nadia Bolz-Weber A therapist asked me if I could take just one tiny percentage of the big compassion I have for others and give it myself. Just the tiniest, most miniscule percent, smaller than half a percent, whatever I can manage. That helps me so much to this day. That tiny percent (about the size of the word "love") is big enough for God to get a foothold.
I so needed this Nadia
My internal mantra is to call myself a f*cking idiot constantly.
Thank you ❤️🩹
Thank you for this word! We cannot hate anyone into wholeness, especially ourselves.
Amen.
This: Superiority and shame are just two sides of the same coin. Both keep me at the center.
In it with you.
Ah, the 3AM solo, self-inflicted firing squad revue! How often have I buried my head in shame, tears, and recriminations in that same scenario over my 72 years? I am block-headed, bumble-footed, and mumble-tounged (in other words, I'm a man), and can always name 1001 reasons why I'll never get anything "right" in this life (nor deserve to). The ghosts that I allow to haunt me can be from the same day previous, from decades past, or mere "guilty" passing thoughts I had at some point, and not ever actually existing in the real world at all. It doesn't matter. I share your same impulse of wanting to call the moving vans immediately in the morning and leave town in the dead of night at the next opportunity. I know the stuff of which I am made, and have such a palpable sense of it, that it is almost like an odor - and a repellant one. But I know (somehow) that God still loves me, much like we ourselves would still love a pet dog that digs in the garden, jumps up on the furniture, and chews the pillows when the master is not around. The master knows the dog is a dog. Yes, I am more than a dog, and God is more than a dog owner. But I think as analogies go, it sort of holds. I still feel like the publican in Luke 18:9–14, beat my breast, and ask for mercy, knowing what I am, wishing I were otherwise, and knowing no other solution than helplessly falling on my knees. That is the human condition as I know it. Then I wake in the morning and do it all over again . . . maybe a little better, maybe a little worse, but not a whole lot different, just more worn out. Perhaps there is a circus I could run away and join? Oh yes, there is the church. That's been my circus all along. Thank you for the thoughts you share. I do think they help clarify things. And writing about it here helps too.
Three years ago I got caught up in a gift card scam. I still say that I didn't lose $7,000; I gave it away. I endured three of the worst months of my life.
At the end of the 1st month of hell I visited my sister and she knew what had happened. She has a stronger faith than me and had endured tragedies with her children. Thank God she got through those times.
Shortly into the visit she said "You're grieving. Why do you suppose that is. " I said that I thought was too smart to get caught up in such a thing... so many red flags in the process. Pride!
The next week some hotshot financial professional went on the news about her getting involved with a scam. There were people asking how a professional could do something stupid. I knew.
Though I've forgiven myself, mostly, I've obviously not forgotten. Good blessed me with a husband who never criticized me but instead helped and supported me.
...ahhh... been there, done that... countless moments... and it is always the same one or two incidences from how many years ago... but they still rise up...
...We are filled with Love... We are surrounded by Love... We are vibrating with Love... We Are Love...
Namaste'...
Though I have been successful in limiting my "shame ruminating" recently, just the other night I woke shortly after going to bed with intense pain in my hips and pelvis. On the pain scale, it was a 10! I tried all the usual things to deal with it to no avail, so I asked the pain what it needed. It replied LOVE.
The pain showed itself to me as a tight ball of a little person desperately trying to protect herself - frightened and alone. So I loved her. I let her know I would not leave her. I would give her whatever she needed. The tears came and they were tears of relief. Grateful tears. I held her, the pain subsided and we fell peacefully asleep together.
The following morning my mind was full of questions but my body answered them. Self love is a powerful thing and it is never too late to start loving every single part of yourself.
You, Nadia, have helped me realize the importance of loving myself without shame. I am so grateful. Thank you for your honesty, being unapologetically you and sharing yourself and your experiences with such candor.
There was that time in 8th grade where I told a boy his socks didn't match, then that time I made a thoughtless antisemitic comment, and then that time I didn't notice my daughter was being sexually abused. Thanks for this post, Sophia must be speaking to us both. 💜
Thank you Nadia. Your post is my #40daysofgoodshit.:)
I love the reference of two sides of the same coin-one of my fav subtle tools in my recovery toolbox-false pride/fear; fat/skinny; shame/superiority; love/hate and on & on. Dang, I still carry an all or nothing attitude AND even recognize it once in awhile!! I will chose Love today! ODAAT
Ugh, your sister's comment just hit me hard. My 3am talk to myself is now going to feature her.
Still letting all that information marinate in my head. Two sides of the same coin... I think I am rolling a
D & D dice. Amazing when self reflection comes into perspective!
Yup. I see you. I feel this.
All my life I have dealt with the lack of self love. I've never felt worthy of self love and not from a pride, simply not worthy. I am not certain why I feel this way but I do, although I have a good friend who tells me I am worthy of loving myself. So I understand where you come from that it's difficult to love yourself