Shame and how it writes its own bullshit story inside of us.
Jeff Grant steps into The Confessional (PLUS - a special announcement tomorrow!)
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Opening Essay:
When I was in seminary, an older pastor said “Nadia I’ve seen you around for a few years now…and you give off a lot of strength – I think that’s what people see when they look at you, which is great. But… what is it we don’t see”
That was about the rudest question I’ve ever been asked.
But I answered as honestly as I could; “I get my feelings hurt more than anyone would suspect” I replied. Which is true, but only a partial truth.
I’ve found myself asking a form of that question a lot. What’s the thing under the thing? A question which has led me to understand, even if just a little bit, how shame really operates in our lives.
Because it can feel as though shame can be like a quill that writes its own story inside of our bodies, a story that tries to tell us who we are, and what we are worth. A story that keeps us moving in the same unhelpful direction just because its familiar, and just because we’re scared.
And I used to think that the people who struggled with shame were the ones who wear that story like a name tag – letting the world know that they are who their shame says they are, the ones slouched over with trauma and wounds and a diminished self.
But I’ve started to see that others of us are equally defined by shame - we just carry it in opposite ways – we spool all our energy into trying to prove our internal story wrong, we cover the truth of what we don't want to admit to with bravado and confidence and grandiosity and hope no one notices.
Because the deeper truth to the question that Pastor asked me is that my youthful swagger was protective - it was brilliantly strategic. My confident posture hides the fact that, despite how my life looks on the outside, I still can feel like that skinny bug eyed kid who was chronically sick and spent years sitting by herself at middle school lunch tables.
Shame is such a powerful driving force that if harnessed, I’m pretty sure it could replace fossil fuels.
Jeff Grant, J.D., M.Div. is Co-Founder of Progressive Prison Ministries, Inc., the world’s first ministry serving the white collar justice community. Jeff co-hosts with Babz Rawls Ivy the Criminal Justice Insider podcast and hosts theWhite Collar Week podcast. He also leads a weekly online confidential White Collar Support Group.
Twitter: @RevJeffGrant
A blessing for Jeff:
Jeff,
You mentioned that when you stole your clients money, you felt like the scared boy who sat crying just one room over from screaming adults, the kid who was empty and had nothing. The fat kid in 1st grade, you said.
Shame does this to us, that asshole slaps its name tag on us and says “this is who you really are.”
As if you are that terrible thing your dad used to say to you, or you are your diagnosis or you are your trauma.
So, if that happens to you again Jeff, you should know that you can try and pull off the name tag but the sticky ness, it kind of stays, it collects lint and cat hair and refuses to go away entirely, so you can pick at it, or try and hide it or pretend it’s supposed to be there – or you can just change your damn shirt.
That’s my blessing for you, friend -
May you reject the premise of the shame.
Because he doesn't know what he’s talking about.
That scared crying kid need not be hidden, or denied, or loathed - he became a lawyer, built a business, made some huge mistakes and then went on to survive addiction and suicidality and prison, and now he helps others get through really horrific shit. That ignored, lonely scared kid – may you befriend him, love him, and be so proud of him. I mean, look who he’s become.
May you Look at him in the light of the truth, and forgiveness and see him as what he is, which is:
beautiful.
Amen.
Big News Coming Tomorrow!
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I listened to Nadia and Jeff this morning while taking my daily walk. The shared space you two had and the hope and humility I both heard and felt gave me some hope and humility that I needed. Thank you. I am reminded of that wonderful quote....”Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. God bless us all. ❤️
Oh, Nadia. The thing under the thing. I'm going to quote you in a confession I will record for our Change Movement Day on the anniversary of the murder of George Floyd (something we're doing at work). I was raised in a racist environment, and the thing under the thing is my shame around that, and how I didn't see it. What you said about walking around, spooling all our energy into trying to prove the thing under the thing wrong about us...so freaking spot on for me. Interesting learnings that feel like a break though that hurts a bit. Must be true. :)