Two and a half years ago, I walked the Camino Frances. Alone.
It was a profound experience for me, which I will perhaps write about elsewhere.
Here I would like to discuss some less inspirational aspects of the Honeymoon Camino I just finished : vanity and folly.
VANITY
Having already walked 500 miles across Spain I thought I knew a few things going into this.
I knew what I wished I had brought with me that first time around. Not a journal, or a Bible, but: moisturizer. The last time I ran out after the 2nd week and couldn’t find anything to replace it that wasn’t filled with acids and polypeptides and all kinds of other “anti-aging” shit that literally burns my skin. (Honestly, it’s as if my skin insists on aging, thank you very much, and will not abide any attempts to slow it…).
Also, I was determined to bring hair conditioner this time.
So I packed enough of both for 6 weeks, which is a lot of weight in a backpack but I knew it was what I wanted. (There’s a comprehensive list below of what was in my backpack and what it all weighed in the end)
I also took with me: a Buff that I thought was cute because I didn’t really love the one I took last time, a Burts Bees lip-balm with a touch of color in it because, I mean, I was on my HONEYMOON and I wanted to give myself a fighting chance to look a little bit cute.
Reader, I want to tell you that one at a time I lost every single one of these items.
By day 10.
GONE.
FOLLY
Again, having walked the Camino Frances, I had a small list of things I wanted to make sure and not miss this time around: the Gregorian chant wake-up in the monastery at Roncesvalle (stayed in the hotel last time, so I missed it), the cathedral in Leon (it was closed the day I was there last time, so missed it), the boat ride up the chanel in Fromista (didn’t know about it the first time, so missed it), the singing nuns in Carrion de los Condes (it was still COVID-y and they weren’t singing in 2021 so missed it), enjoy the Korean dinner at Albergue Orion in Castrojeriz (the owner was traveling last time so missed it), also I really was excited to take in the Belerado stage since last time I walked it, I endured a drenching, pouring rain all day and was heads down under my poncho and missed it.
So, list in hand, I started this Camino with Eric thinking (foolishly) that I could, through my forethought and intention, make up for some of the things I missed last time.
But the Camino is a wild and untamable horse.
The monastery (for some reason) just didn’t play the chants the morning we were there, I was sick as a dog in Leon and couldn’t leave my hotel room much less walk through a cathedral, for some reason the boat in Fromista doesn’t run on Tuesdays (the day we were there), we walked up just when the nuns stopped singing in Carrion de los Condes, the Belarado stage of this Camino was again the very worst weather of the entire pilgrimage (forceful gusts of bitter cold wind…another heads down walk), and honest to God I was sick and missed out on the Korean dinner.
WHAT THE HELL?
I admit that at first, these things caused me some agitation, even a tiny bit of self-pity, or disappointment. But that (thank God) was soon replaced by resignation and eventually, laughter at myself.
The fact is, life is tricky.
The number of things I have control over is always a much smaller number of things than I wish it were. And at the same time, I loathe the idea of passivity. So I keep plodding along trying to make things happen when really the only thing I truly have any control over is my response to life. Not my reactions…those are too swift and innate. But I can control how I respond. I’m working on that.
This is the issue with having expectations: when I have a predetermined set of outcomes that must be met in order to be pleased with an event, I set myself up for less satisfaction, not more.
So I try (with varying success) to ask myself: what story am I telling myself about what just happened? That I am doomed to never have anything ever work out? That I am an idiot for losing things all the time?
The real question is this: what information am I letting in?
The truth is, there were far more unforeseen blessings on our Camino than unmet expectations. FAR more. The trick is to open the aperture of my eyes wide enough to let in more information than “did I get the thing I predetermined I needed in order to feel satisfied?” - because as we age we get to ask better questions than that. Amen?
Here’s a good one: What beautiful thing caught me by surprise? Or: What amazing thing happened that I never even anticipated getting to experience?
I guess at this point in life, all I can really hope for is to have the distance between my selfish, immature, cranky reactions and my more moderate, considered, mature responses to life’s disappointments, frustrations and assholes to be a tiny bit quicker as I get older.
So far, so good. (Mostly)
Related content:
(Up Next: I’ll post soon about my experience with housing, food, mileage, and what a typical day on the Camino looks like. Stay tuned, those of you who are interested!)
For Subscribers: What was in my backpack?
As promised, below is some nitty-gritty information about what I took with me for 6 1/2 weeks on the Camino de Santiago (for those of you who are nerdy enough to care about such things). Nothing particularly insightful about faith or life or anything like that….just telling you what stuff I took (reminder: I’m not in a paid partnership with any brand …so these links are just in case you are curious). For those who are interested, here it is!
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