Dear Nadia,
How do you grieve without losing your mind?
Signed,
A Reader
Dear reader,
When I answered my phone on a Friday morning in August 2021, and my sister said “someone killed Henry” (her son), my mind rejected the words. I knew what they meant individually; I knew what “someone” meant and what “killed” meant and what “Henry” meant. But together they were indecipherable.
So I said, “no.”
Reader, I’m not sure how many times in a row I said no, but it was many, many times. No is the only response my mind had to the words Someone and Killed and Henry all in a row. So my mind grabbed the biggest NO it could find, placed it between her hands and pushed to try and keep the three impossible words out.
But it didn't work.
Then, a couple days later, when I was trying to pack to fly to where my nephew had been living so Eric and I could clean out Henry’s apartment for my sister, my mind could no longer tell me what to put in a suitcase. My mind had done really well up until then knowing how many shirts to include, and what size travel toothpaste is allowed, and where my toiletry case is. But this time she failed. I failed. I am a seasoned traveler and I packed for shit that day.
I guess one way to think of it is that I had lost my mind. But another way is this: my mind had to take to the skies, it had to go circle the globe and then dig itself a hole in which to rest in order to ever come back to me.
So, sweet reader, how do you grieve without losing your mind?
You can’t.
The poor thing is undergoing a prolonged software update. Because it had understood the world one way – as one in which nephews aren’t shot to death and that world doesn’t exists any more.
It had a way of understanding a world in which your best friend doesn’t suddenly betray you, or a world in which other people have cancer but not you, or a world in which your husband still loves you, and that world doesn't exist anymore.
So if your mind doesn’t remember to pack underwear, or how to keep showing up for work, or the name of the person who cuts your hair, try and just be gentle with it. It will come back, but it and you will be changed.
No one escapes this, my friend. Which sucks, but is a comfort…because you’re not alone in the madness. And we who have also lost our minds with grief will overpack for you. Just in case. Maybe not underwear, but you know what I mean…
Love, Nadia
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There were times a few years back during a very traumatic time of my life that I was submerged in a daily, heavy grief. I would go to bed and wonder if I’d wake up. Maybe the grief would just take me in the night. I was ok with that. Because waking up to it again took my breath away. My brain would actually feel like it was cramping. It literally could not compute. Eventually through accepting the new reality of my life I began to heal. But my brain and life forever changed. God used that to make me into a version I was hoping to become one day but my plan was to get there without any suffering required. His plan was what I needed to be who I am today and to be that also for those He’s placed in my path. He’s near to the brokenhearted and that nearness, eventually felt, has made me whole, but my body remembers the days of grief and so we limp together.
Nadia,
Thanks for this, although I need to thank the Trinity for the timelines of this particular post. Ten years ago I was in the room as the EMTS declared my 26 year old son dead, 2 years later I was with my mother as she passed, and in 2022 I sat vigil with my SIL as her husband died. Add in covid, and working in a psychiatric hospital throughout this, a Goddaughter who not only had a 2 year old daughter who was diagnosed with cancer, who thankfully survived but she also had an a newborn who passed away after a month and a half. Every major role and way that I have identified myself as has changed in the last year as well.
Through all of this I have learned how to cling to Jesus in a way that I have never experienced before. And I have also had those moments of brain freeze/fog that you wrote about.I used to RUN from people who have lives like mine. Now I can use my transformed heart into gently being present with and for others. I have begun to study Spiritual direction as well. A friend shared your blog with me a month ago and I have been very fed by your sharing of your life experiences