Dear Nadia, How do you grieve without losing your mind? Signed, A Reader Dear reader, When I answered my phone on a Friday morning in August 2021, and my sister said “someone killed Henry” (her son), my mind rejected the words. I knew what they meant individually; I knew what “someone” meant and what “killed” meant and what “Henry” meant. But together they were indecipherable.
There were times a few years back during a very traumatic time of my life that I was submerged in a daily, heavy grief. I would go to bed and wonder if I’d wake up. Maybe the grief would just take me in the night. I was ok with that. Because waking up to it again took my breath away. My brain would actually feel like it was cramping. It literally could not compute. Eventually through accepting the new reality of my life I began to heal. But my brain and life forever changed. God used that to make me into a version I was hoping to become one day but my plan was to get there without any suffering required. His plan was what I needed to be who I am today and to be that also for those He’s placed in my path. He’s near to the brokenhearted and that nearness, eventually felt, has made me whole, but my body remembers the days of grief and so we limp together.
Thanks for this, although I need to thank the Trinity for the timelines of this particular post. Ten years ago I was in the room as the EMTS declared my 26 year old son dead, 2 years later I was with my mother as she passed, and in 2022 I sat vigil with my SIL as her husband died. Add in covid, and working in a psychiatric hospital throughout this, a Goddaughter who not only had a 2 year old daughter who was diagnosed with cancer, who thankfully survived but she also had an a newborn who passed away after a month and a half. Every major role and way that I have identified myself as has changed in the last year as well.
Through all of this I have learned how to cling to Jesus in a way that I have never experienced before. And I have also had those moments of brain freeze/fog that you wrote about.I used to RUN from people who have lives like mine. Now I can use my transformed heart into gently being present with and for others. I have begun to study Spiritual direction as well. A friend shared your blog with me a month ago and I have been very fed by your sharing of your life experiences
The griefs we all experience and suffer through are "boxes of darkness." The perseverance to endure is the gift we give ourselves and the path forward.
Nadia, I've lost count of the times I've grieved, the deaths of both my parents, my 4 siblings, 2 failed marriages, too many relatives, too many friends, too many friendships gone awry, and I've never found a formula, only a ramshackle list of what not to do (and that mostly by trial and error) and the only thing that seems to work is to lose myself in the needs of others - to dismiss that "I" that I seem to want to talk to in my head - even though it keeps whispering "I need you, I need you". No, I don't. Others need me. That's Like our own deaths, grief is only a doorway, not a destination
Oct 2022 ... I had just moved from NY Madrid to start an adventure as an English language teacher in a high school. My first week was a success and I had my head held high. Then the phone call came. I knew the minute I heard my father's voice that something was wrong, really wrong. My 17 year old niece Taylor was found dead in bed that morning ... a f*cking eating disorder the cause. Literal shock.
Screaming the whole way home from the metro station. 'Really God, 5 years ago, my younger brother dies of an overdose at 42, and now his only daughter is gone too!?!? Wait, I just hugged her frail body three weeks ago before boarding the plane to come to Spain. I knew she wasn't well, but no, this can't be possible'
How do i grieve without losing my mind? I stay sober a day at a time. I talk to them and about them. I dream about them. I remember them. I follow my instinct when it tells me to do something -- Last week I flew home on a whim to watch my surviving niece Gianna play Beth in her middle school production of Little Women. I watch the scene where she has contracted scarlet fever and she sings a lovely duet with her older sister while they fly a kite on the beach. I listen as she sings about not being afraid to die. I know it's Taylor speaking through Gianna and I sob through three performances. I hold hands with my sister, and my mother, as we watch the scene. I start to notice kites: a pin on my dresser, a scene in a movie on the plane back to Spain, a lesson in school about kite flying in the Bahamas for Easter representing resurrection. I pay attention. I grieve one smile, one tear, one memory, one kite at a time.
Just a thought…It is not a requirement of our grieving that we “grow” even though we just might. Still healing, but on the way. Wasn’t that long ago I didn’t believe it possible. Be gentle with yourselves.
I have a question for those who have the large faith to "lean on Jesus." What does that feel like, in your brain and heart? How do you accomplish the leaning? I would like to be able to feel supported by my faith but I'm not sure how that all works in a practical way.
The "NO" that you speak of is the loudest no ever spoken, screamed. It longs to find some edges for which to attach itself to, in some feeble attempt to consolidate, wrap up or protect, but instead, it keeps echoing into the unknown, or at least that's what I thought. I thought it had no receiver of its message. But I was wrong. It is one of the most primal screams, that, today, I have come to understand as stemming from the womb, echoing to all the wombs, perhaps beginning with Mary's womb. I have considered a Web of Wombs connecting, not out of choice, but out of the natural rhythm of womb energy. I remember the "NO" I screamed when my brother was murdered, me holding my pregnant baby. I remember that same "NO" when my second brother was murdered twenty two years later, again pregnant with child. One enters, one exists. The primal scream is a mystery that reminds us of the necessity to trust, it reminds us of our strongest desire to hold on.Grief reminds us that we do lose our mind, and we don't "get over"it, We're not suppose to. In silence and tears we notice that we rock our wombs in unison with the others, It is an emotion that, if you allow, can bring you into such a deepening of faith and an intimate relationship with Jesus. All the while, we allo it to take the necessary time for things to be ugly, unfair, hateful, evil, hollow, and so much more. That,I believe, is why it is so important to not move someone who is grieving, but to breathe with them, breathe for them, and make space for their "NO".
This letting go thing hurts. I learned very young to not have expectations of others that they could not do, for whatever reason…then to not value things above people…currently realizing the inability to see facts and apply them to actions taken is creating a fantasy land I don’t want to inhabit…letting go and taking control…there is a tension there…I lose my mind at least once a day…but I am choosing nature, busyness or music…not avoidances like gambling, alcohol, or drugs. Thank you Nadia for sharing this deeply personal experience…it helps.
The message I need comes exactly at the right time. Somehow, God appears. While God is always there, there is a moment when our ears are open to receive. To be conscious.
Please know your work has so much meaning and is a blessing.
I remember vividly stepping into the elevator in the hospital and collapsing to the floor telling everyone -- my son just died. The most defining moment of my life sent me into what I have called an alternate reality. I wanted it to be apparent to everyone I saw that I was functioning on a different level --but the world just goes on. It took me about 5 years to be able to go forward in my life journey. Some days the tsunami still hits but not as often.
Thank you for this. I’ve been in similar life-altering and tragic situations and I’m grateful for the friends who overpacked when I needed them - and just recently I overpacked for another friend. ☯️☮️💟
There were times a few years back during a very traumatic time of my life that I was submerged in a daily, heavy grief. I would go to bed and wonder if I’d wake up. Maybe the grief would just take me in the night. I was ok with that. Because waking up to it again took my breath away. My brain would actually feel like it was cramping. It literally could not compute. Eventually through accepting the new reality of my life I began to heal. But my brain and life forever changed. God used that to make me into a version I was hoping to become one day but my plan was to get there without any suffering required. His plan was what I needed to be who I am today and to be that also for those He’s placed in my path. He’s near to the brokenhearted and that nearness, eventually felt, has made me whole, but my body remembers the days of grief and so we limp together.
Nadia,
Thanks for this, although I need to thank the Trinity for the timelines of this particular post. Ten years ago I was in the room as the EMTS declared my 26 year old son dead, 2 years later I was with my mother as she passed, and in 2022 I sat vigil with my SIL as her husband died. Add in covid, and working in a psychiatric hospital throughout this, a Goddaughter who not only had a 2 year old daughter who was diagnosed with cancer, who thankfully survived but she also had an a newborn who passed away after a month and a half. Every major role and way that I have identified myself as has changed in the last year as well.
Through all of this I have learned how to cling to Jesus in a way that I have never experienced before. And I have also had those moments of brain freeze/fog that you wrote about.I used to RUN from people who have lives like mine. Now I can use my transformed heart into gently being present with and for others. I have begun to study Spiritual direction as well. A friend shared your blog with me a month ago and I have been very fed by your sharing of your life experiences
Mary Oliver wrote:
"Someone I loved once
gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that
this, too, was a gift.”
The griefs we all experience and suffer through are "boxes of darkness." The perseverance to endure is the gift we give ourselves and the path forward.
Nadia, I've lost count of the times I've grieved, the deaths of both my parents, my 4 siblings, 2 failed marriages, too many relatives, too many friends, too many friendships gone awry, and I've never found a formula, only a ramshackle list of what not to do (and that mostly by trial and error) and the only thing that seems to work is to lose myself in the needs of others - to dismiss that "I" that I seem to want to talk to in my head - even though it keeps whispering "I need you, I need you". No, I don't. Others need me. That's Like our own deaths, grief is only a doorway, not a destination
Thank You Nadia, I am going through some difficult times and your writing often brings tears
of healing to me. Blessings for your words. . .
Oct 2022 ... I had just moved from NY Madrid to start an adventure as an English language teacher in a high school. My first week was a success and I had my head held high. Then the phone call came. I knew the minute I heard my father's voice that something was wrong, really wrong. My 17 year old niece Taylor was found dead in bed that morning ... a f*cking eating disorder the cause. Literal shock.
Screaming the whole way home from the metro station. 'Really God, 5 years ago, my younger brother dies of an overdose at 42, and now his only daughter is gone too!?!? Wait, I just hugged her frail body three weeks ago before boarding the plane to come to Spain. I knew she wasn't well, but no, this can't be possible'
How do i grieve without losing my mind? I stay sober a day at a time. I talk to them and about them. I dream about them. I remember them. I follow my instinct when it tells me to do something -- Last week I flew home on a whim to watch my surviving niece Gianna play Beth in her middle school production of Little Women. I watch the scene where she has contracted scarlet fever and she sings a lovely duet with her older sister while they fly a kite on the beach. I listen as she sings about not being afraid to die. I know it's Taylor speaking through Gianna and I sob through three performances. I hold hands with my sister, and my mother, as we watch the scene. I start to notice kites: a pin on my dresser, a scene in a movie on the plane back to Spain, a lesson in school about kite flying in the Bahamas for Easter representing resurrection. I pay attention. I grieve one smile, one tear, one memory, one kite at a time.
Just a thought…It is not a requirement of our grieving that we “grow” even though we just might. Still healing, but on the way. Wasn’t that long ago I didn’t believe it possible. Be gentle with yourselves.
I have a question for those who have the large faith to "lean on Jesus." What does that feel like, in your brain and heart? How do you accomplish the leaning? I would like to be able to feel supported by my faith but I'm not sure how that all works in a practical way.
Thoughts on Grief
By Katherine Netzer
Grief comes with its own
Needles sharp enough to pierce
The soul.
It jabs its way to the surface
And claws tears from already weary eyes.
It folds the heart to breaking.
Backs bend under its weight
As the bearers stagger across the day.
Breaths come in great gulps and gasps.
Grief can not be swallowed whole.
It must be bitten and chewed in tiny bits.
It steamrolls into lives.
To flatten laughter, safety.
Icy fingers touch each memory.
Grief demands, demands exhaustion.
And, unravels the fabric of life
Leaving only the thinnest thread.
The "NO" that you speak of is the loudest no ever spoken, screamed. It longs to find some edges for which to attach itself to, in some feeble attempt to consolidate, wrap up or protect, but instead, it keeps echoing into the unknown, or at least that's what I thought. I thought it had no receiver of its message. But I was wrong. It is one of the most primal screams, that, today, I have come to understand as stemming from the womb, echoing to all the wombs, perhaps beginning with Mary's womb. I have considered a Web of Wombs connecting, not out of choice, but out of the natural rhythm of womb energy. I remember the "NO" I screamed when my brother was murdered, me holding my pregnant baby. I remember that same "NO" when my second brother was murdered twenty two years later, again pregnant with child. One enters, one exists. The primal scream is a mystery that reminds us of the necessity to trust, it reminds us of our strongest desire to hold on.Grief reminds us that we do lose our mind, and we don't "get over"it, We're not suppose to. In silence and tears we notice that we rock our wombs in unison with the others, It is an emotion that, if you allow, can bring you into such a deepening of faith and an intimate relationship with Jesus. All the while, we allo it to take the necessary time for things to be ugly, unfair, hateful, evil, hollow, and so much more. That,I believe, is why it is so important to not move someone who is grieving, but to breathe with them, breathe for them, and make space for their "NO".
This letting go thing hurts. I learned very young to not have expectations of others that they could not do, for whatever reason…then to not value things above people…currently realizing the inability to see facts and apply them to actions taken is creating a fantasy land I don’t want to inhabit…letting go and taking control…there is a tension there…I lose my mind at least once a day…but I am choosing nature, busyness or music…not avoidances like gambling, alcohol, or drugs. Thank you Nadia for sharing this deeply personal experience…it helps.
Definitely. And, unfortunately, again and again.
So grateful that you wrote this - a feeling I have pretty frequently when I read your work.
The message I need comes exactly at the right time. Somehow, God appears. While God is always there, there is a moment when our ears are open to receive. To be conscious.
Please know your work has so much meaning and is a blessing.
I remember vividly stepping into the elevator in the hospital and collapsing to the floor telling everyone -- my son just died. The most defining moment of my life sent me into what I have called an alternate reality. I wanted it to be apparent to everyone I saw that I was functioning on a different level --but the world just goes on. It took me about 5 years to be able to go forward in my life journey. Some days the tsunami still hits but not as often.
Thank you for this. I’ve been in similar life-altering and tragic situations and I’m grateful for the friends who overpacked when I needed them - and just recently I overpacked for another friend. ☯️☮️💟
Thank you.
Sorry.
I've people tell me I'm not the same after my partner died. Of course I'm not. Never will be.
But, as you said, I found out I wasn't alone.