Dear Nadia, How do you grieve without losing your mind?

Dear Nadia,

How do you grieve without losing your mind?

Signed,

A Reader

Dear reader,

When I answered my phone on a Friday morning in August 2021, and my sister said “someone killed Henry” (her son), my mind rejected the words. I knew what they meant individually; I knew what “someone” meant and what “killed” meant and what “Henry” meant. But together they were indecipherable.  

So I said, “no.”

Reader, I’m not sure how many times in a row I said no, but it was many, many times. No is the only response my mind had to the words Someone and Killed and Henry all in a row. So my mind grabbed the biggest NO it could find, placed it between her hands and pushed to try and keep the three impossible words out.

But it didn't work.

Then, a couple days later, when I was trying to pack to fly to where my nephew had been living so Eric and I could clean out Henry’s apartment for my sister, my mind could no longer tell me what to put in a suitcase. My mind had done really well up until then knowing how many shirts to include, and what size travel toothpaste is allowed, and where my toiletry case is. But this time she failed. I failed. I am a seasoned traveler and I packed for shit that day.

I guess one way to think of it is that I had lost my mind. But another way is this: my mind had to take to the skies, it had to go circle the globe and then dig itself a hole in which to rest in order to ever come back to me.

So, sweet reader, how do you grieve without losing your mind?

You can’t.

The poor thing is undergoing a prolonged software update. Because it had understood the world one way – as one in which nephews aren’t shot to death and that world doesn’t exists any more.

It had a way of understanding a world in which your best friend doesn’t suddenly betray you, or a world in which other people have cancer but not you, or a world in which your husband still loves you, and that world doesn't exist anymore.

So if your mind doesn’t remember to pack underwear, or how to keep showing up for work, or the name of the person who cuts your hair, try and just be gentle with it. It will come back, but it and you will be changed.

No one escapes this, my friend. Which sucks, but is a comfort…because you’re not alone in the madness. And we who have also lost our minds with grief will overpack for you. Just in case. Maybe not underwear, but you know what I mean…

Love, Nadia

Want access to everything without paying for it? That’s cool. Just send an email with “free subscription” in the subject line to shamelessmediallc@gmail.com and we will hook you up for free.