Tonight I sat for hours with my eldest daughter on the phone. She messaged me at 11pm telling me she loved me and thanks for being an awesome dad and an amazing friend, I thought what’s up? Then she messaged me and said she was cutting her wrists. Finally I got through to her, she was distraught, overwhelmed and without hope. What saved her was the blade was too blunt to cut the artery. I called the police and then spoke with her until they turned up, she’s going to hospital as I write this. Her two daughters were with her and they are pretty traumatised. I felt completely useless, I’m 3000 kms away from her at the moment. My daughter was under protective care because her husband is a drug dealer and raped her, she has suffered under trauma for many years and I couldn’t save her. I speak with her a couple of times a week but I live in a very remote place so there’s only so much I can do. She suffers from boarder line personality disorder, bipolar and PTSD. Her mum died from cancer when she was nine and her step mum is frightened of her because she doesn’t understand mental illness and she has PTSD from years in an extremely violent relationship. My daughter is gentle, kind, compassionate and forgiving, these are great qualities until violent men take advantage of them. So I was looking at my emails and I came across this from Nadia and it was a kind of miracle. I’ve been a minister for 36 years and I can’t do joy to the world much anymore, I’ve had too much suffering and I’ve watched my kids and people I love really suffer, it’s been hard, sometimes too hard. I don’t ask God for much anymore, I’m kind of over that but tonight I asked God for help and I got this from Nadia. So Nadia wherever you are thanks, you might just be lead by the Spirit. I’ve sent it to my daughter to read in hospital, she will understand the message.
And Craig, it makes total sense that you felt useless but look at how God used you. Your love for her and her reaching out for it and you staying on the phone and getting her help? God used you mightily. Be gentle with yourself. Love, Nadia
This hit me deeply, Craig. I appreciate your vulnerable honesty. I'm so grateful you were there for her, that she is receiving help, and that you have the compassion and understanding in regards to seeing the fuller 'picture' of someone and their story. We need more of that gentleness in our world. Much love to your daughter, her daughters, you, and your loved ones.
Craig, your daughter and her entire family are in my prayers. This can be a creepy time of year for many of us for many reasons. You were used by God to help your daughter. Peace , my friend, peace and prayers.💗
Oh, Craig….so much love for you here. And for your daughter. Holding you in prayer as you walk through this dark valley, surrounded by divine love and protection even if you can’t feel it right now.
Thank you for this. I'm approaching the 2nd anniversary of my dearest partner's death and feeling so sad and also pissed off at him for dying right before Christmas.
This thought occurred this morning. You know how people say "So-help-me-God" at the end of oaths, or just for emphasis. This morning I realized it should be, "So. . . help me God."
This song is stalking me this year. Crazy Spirit. There is a choral version from England that plays in the background of a digital Advent calendar. I’ll be decorating a Christmas tree in that app and O Holy Night will come on and even though I can’t fully make out the words of the second verse I find myself near weeping. “Here is your king” and that king is just this tiny baby, a king “born to be our friend.” “He knows our need.” I just lose it. One evening I heard once again “Fall on your knees” and “Before him lowly bend” and before I knew what I was doing I was down on the floor. My body went straight past my analytical head’s resistance to all this business bowing down and just did what felt like the only possible response to what the heart comprehended.
Nadia, I will write more later, but for now, I wanted to offer a small gift to you and those in the Corners. I'm so grateful to be a part of this community. Oh Holy Night has always been my favorite Christmas song as well. I've always loved the line "Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother, and in his name, all oppression shall cease." It is powerful knowing that that verse was forbidden for some time because it spoke against slavery. So, I feel this unity with rebels of the past, with those who spoke against what was "normal" and "just the way things are".
Today, I recorded Oh Holy Night a cappella in my room. I'm just sitting at my desk not worrying about making everything perfect, just singing, and somehow it feels right.
At the end of my meditation practice, I pick up my phone, partly out of reflex, but partly because I often find an answer to the prayers I just prayed. This was the answer I needed to the prayers I just prayed. Thank you. ❤
I had this in my email waiting for me to make time to read it. Today was the day. Boy did I need this today. Funny how God gives us just what we need at the right time. Today I stop beating myself up every time I fuck up. I’m letting God’s grace work in me. I know God loves me! Thank you Pastor Nadia. Merry Christmas.
A very beautifully sung song ; enough to make me want to hear the nice old songs of Christmas without some perverse jazzed up, personal interpretation (why I hate Christmas music any more).
“Pining” ; I am pining (in the 2nd definition) that I have indeed committed Spufford’s definition of “sin” in bringing hurt and sorrow upon one that I dearly love, through trying to be “faithful” though a lie (now there is a real conceptual oxymoron).
So I’ll take some intercession here from Mary ; I need it from wherever I can get it, ... if only I can learn to “fall on my knees”.
Sometimes I think God sent you just to speak to me and other times I'm sure of it. I'm struggling with enough-ness navigating an ADHD diagnosis at 54. And O Holy Night gets me right in the feels every time.
ok. this is a quick, only sort of related to Nadia's post, reply... I was diagnosed with ADD at age 46 or 47 (am now 53), and starting medication changed my life... the first amazing benefit I noticed was my patients no longer wait WAY TOO LONG on me... and then, a bit later, when the world shut down, and I couldn't focus on any of my usual diversions, I found i could read, and RETAIN what i read!! This has been such a gift I did not know I needed. You ARE enough. and an appropriately treated diagnosis can be a TRUE blessing. I am praying hope and relief for you!!
Nadia, you always pick the most beautiful pieces for reflection, things that we have so easily grown numb to and overlooked. Who would have thought to unpack "error pining,"that hand-wringing that we do as we think, "Am I good enough? Am I good enough? Am I good enough?" as we go over and over all the ways we've royally screwed this thing up. How lucky are we that we have a God who appears and perpetually whispers within us, "Good enough, good enough, good enough." What an extraordinary thing to get to reflect on today. Thank you.
Having been born and raised in the Bible Belt and coming from a long line of protest-ant ancestors on all sides, I note a preoccupation with "sin" from your recent writings and your sermon at a Church of Christ, Coral Gables, Florida. I know we are all sinners and unworthy. I left the Southern Baptist church because I was weary not being exhorted to repent. I was repenting. I desperately wanted to be shown how to *grow*! I sent to every denomination in town. There were many denominations in town. I went straight to pastors and mined what they believed and how they worshiped. I ended up in the Episcopal Church. The local priest wasn't into exhortation regarding sin but into searching for love and acceptance. That was in 1975.
I give you we need to confess and turn around. I need the Confession of Sin in the worship service every week. I need the forgiveness. I really need the worship of my Lord and God. I do need the kneeling before God in my worship. Oddly enough, kneeling was taken away from me by my deteriorating body thanks to an infant bout with polo. I can no longer kneel, or walk, or stand. Groan and ouch! Contrition is a theme of Advent. Yet, I will continue to wallow in love and worship all the days of my life left to me.
Oh wow, I was just writing about this very idea. I said I want to fall on my knees with Jesus as he kneels before the woman caught in adultery, the one who may soon be stoned to death because a group of men said they caught her in adultery, and I want to wonder if Jesus is kneeling because this was the potential fate his mother said yes to when she agreed to carry him. God-very-God kneeling before a woman caught in adultery.
Nadia, first I will say that particular song is one have have loved since I was a young kid. I’m older than you are. Ms. Hudson does a beautiful rendition. I do not. It doesn’t stop me from trying.
Your essay wow. I’m going to read through it several more times. There’s so much in it for me.
I find how you break down the lyrics to be a whole gift of a new way to hear them.
The concept of lowliness I really resonate with. The idea that God looked with favor on her lowliness. To be able to feel that they are God’s perfect entry points. That’s beautiful to capture it that way. This is a very special essay to me. It pieced my heart as I was reading. Thank-you
“Which makes me wonder if perhaps our obsession with self-improvement is really just a form of atheism disguised as spirituality.” Yes!! AND .. i struggle with these kinds of arguments. I’m not arguing that a bunch of middle aged white women taking supplements and doing a yoga retreat in Maui is self improvement. That’s vacation.
But, “self-improvement” I think includes 12Step programs and therapy and communities of care and all kinds of things that bring us to our knees. Sometimes this line of thinking feels unnecessarily shame inducing.
Can’t stop thinking about and seeing the word “optimization” everywhere now. That was really helpful. Reading Byung-Chul Han’s book The Disappearance of Rituals and I think you’d dig it. First two chapters.. the compulsion of production and the compulsion of authenticity. Speaks directly to what you’re talking about.
Good morning all of the corners community! Yes today is Christmas Day, I wish for each of you a day full of joy, laughter and much happiness, as for myself, today is sufficient, I am thankful for another Christmas with my wife, Leslie. I am thankful for provision, for our needs met for this day, I am thankful for protection when the storms come, and I am thankful for peace, even when the storm rages. The song by Selah, Be still my soul comes to mind. Blessings to and over each of you this day! And please remember those the forgotten ones , the cast aways of society, the ladies and men in white, the ladies of the New beginnings worshipping community at the Denver Women Correctional Facility, and so many more who are forgotten.
Tonight I sat for hours with my eldest daughter on the phone. She messaged me at 11pm telling me she loved me and thanks for being an awesome dad and an amazing friend, I thought what’s up? Then she messaged me and said she was cutting her wrists. Finally I got through to her, she was distraught, overwhelmed and without hope. What saved her was the blade was too blunt to cut the artery. I called the police and then spoke with her until they turned up, she’s going to hospital as I write this. Her two daughters were with her and they are pretty traumatised. I felt completely useless, I’m 3000 kms away from her at the moment. My daughter was under protective care because her husband is a drug dealer and raped her, she has suffered under trauma for many years and I couldn’t save her. I speak with her a couple of times a week but I live in a very remote place so there’s only so much I can do. She suffers from boarder line personality disorder, bipolar and PTSD. Her mum died from cancer when she was nine and her step mum is frightened of her because she doesn’t understand mental illness and she has PTSD from years in an extremely violent relationship. My daughter is gentle, kind, compassionate and forgiving, these are great qualities until violent men take advantage of them. So I was looking at my emails and I came across this from Nadia and it was a kind of miracle. I’ve been a minister for 36 years and I can’t do joy to the world much anymore, I’ve had too much suffering and I’ve watched my kids and people I love really suffer, it’s been hard, sometimes too hard. I don’t ask God for much anymore, I’m kind of over that but tonight I asked God for help and I got this from Nadia. So Nadia wherever you are thanks, you might just be lead by the Spirit. I’ve sent it to my daughter to read in hospital, she will understand the message.
May God's holy angels surround her.
And Craig, it makes total sense that you felt useless but look at how God used you. Your love for her and her reaching out for it and you staying on the phone and getting her help? God used you mightily. Be gentle with yourself. Love, Nadia
This hit me deeply, Craig. I appreciate your vulnerable honesty. I'm so grateful you were there for her, that she is receiving help, and that you have the compassion and understanding in regards to seeing the fuller 'picture' of someone and their story. We need more of that gentleness in our world. Much love to your daughter, her daughters, you, and your loved ones.
Craig, your daughter and her entire family are in my prayers. This can be a creepy time of year for many of us for many reasons. You were used by God to help your daughter. Peace , my friend, peace and prayers.💗
Craig, My heart is with you. I know how painful and terrifying it is to have a child with mental illness and to fear for them. You are not alone.
Oh, Craig….so much love for you here. And for your daughter. Holding you in prayer as you walk through this dark valley, surrounded by divine love and protection even if you can’t feel it right now.
Thank you for this. I'm approaching the 2nd anniversary of my dearest partner's death and feeling so sad and also pissed off at him for dying right before Christmas.
This thought occurred this morning. You know how people say "So-help-me-God" at the end of oaths, or just for emphasis. This morning I realized it should be, "So. . . help me God."
This song is stalking me this year. Crazy Spirit. There is a choral version from England that plays in the background of a digital Advent calendar. I’ll be decorating a Christmas tree in that app and O Holy Night will come on and even though I can’t fully make out the words of the second verse I find myself near weeping. “Here is your king” and that king is just this tiny baby, a king “born to be our friend.” “He knows our need.” I just lose it. One evening I heard once again “Fall on your knees” and “Before him lowly bend” and before I knew what I was doing I was down on the floor. My body went straight past my analytical head’s resistance to all this business bowing down and just did what felt like the only possible response to what the heart comprehended.
Nadia, I will write more later, but for now, I wanted to offer a small gift to you and those in the Corners. I'm so grateful to be a part of this community. Oh Holy Night has always been my favorite Christmas song as well. I've always loved the line "Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother, and in his name, all oppression shall cease." It is powerful knowing that that verse was forbidden for some time because it spoke against slavery. So, I feel this unity with rebels of the past, with those who spoke against what was "normal" and "just the way things are".
Today, I recorded Oh Holy Night a cappella in my room. I'm just sitting at my desk not worrying about making everything perfect, just singing, and somehow it feels right.
Thanks again, Nadia, and everyone in the Corners.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLbPQCsiHuc&ab_channel=blessedbeauty86
At the end of my meditation practice, I pick up my phone, partly out of reflex, but partly because I often find an answer to the prayers I just prayed. This was the answer I needed to the prayers I just prayed. Thank you. ❤
I had this in my email waiting for me to make time to read it. Today was the day. Boy did I need this today. Funny how God gives us just what we need at the right time. Today I stop beating myself up every time I fuck up. I’m letting God’s grace work in me. I know God loves me! Thank you Pastor Nadia. Merry Christmas.
A very beautifully sung song ; enough to make me want to hear the nice old songs of Christmas without some perverse jazzed up, personal interpretation (why I hate Christmas music any more).
“Pining” ; I am pining (in the 2nd definition) that I have indeed committed Spufford’s definition of “sin” in bringing hurt and sorrow upon one that I dearly love, through trying to be “faithful” though a lie (now there is a real conceptual oxymoron).
So I’ll take some intercession here from Mary ; I need it from wherever I can get it, ... if only I can learn to “fall on my knees”.
Sometimes I think God sent you just to speak to me and other times I'm sure of it. I'm struggling with enough-ness navigating an ADHD diagnosis at 54. And O Holy Night gets me right in the feels every time.
ok. this is a quick, only sort of related to Nadia's post, reply... I was diagnosed with ADD at age 46 or 47 (am now 53), and starting medication changed my life... the first amazing benefit I noticed was my patients no longer wait WAY TOO LONG on me... and then, a bit later, when the world shut down, and I couldn't focus on any of my usual diversions, I found i could read, and RETAIN what i read!! This has been such a gift I did not know I needed. You ARE enough. and an appropriately treated diagnosis can be a TRUE blessing. I am praying hope and relief for you!!
Crying. Can you move to Winston Salem, NC? Asking for a friend. In all seriousness this just what I needed today.
No ....please move to the San Francisco Bay Area....smile and thanks
Nadia, you always pick the most beautiful pieces for reflection, things that we have so easily grown numb to and overlooked. Who would have thought to unpack "error pining,"that hand-wringing that we do as we think, "Am I good enough? Am I good enough? Am I good enough?" as we go over and over all the ways we've royally screwed this thing up. How lucky are we that we have a God who appears and perpetually whispers within us, "Good enough, good enough, good enough." What an extraordinary thing to get to reflect on today. Thank you.
Having been born and raised in the Bible Belt and coming from a long line of protest-ant ancestors on all sides, I note a preoccupation with "sin" from your recent writings and your sermon at a Church of Christ, Coral Gables, Florida. I know we are all sinners and unworthy. I left the Southern Baptist church because I was weary not being exhorted to repent. I was repenting. I desperately wanted to be shown how to *grow*! I sent to every denomination in town. There were many denominations in town. I went straight to pastors and mined what they believed and how they worshiped. I ended up in the Episcopal Church. The local priest wasn't into exhortation regarding sin but into searching for love and acceptance. That was in 1975.
I give you we need to confess and turn around. I need the Confession of Sin in the worship service every week. I need the forgiveness. I really need the worship of my Lord and God. I do need the kneeling before God in my worship. Oddly enough, kneeling was taken away from me by my deteriorating body thanks to an infant bout with polo. I can no longer kneel, or walk, or stand. Groan and ouch! Contrition is a theme of Advent. Yet, I will continue to wallow in love and worship all the days of my life left to me.
Blessings upon you 💗💗💗!
Oh wow, I was just writing about this very idea. I said I want to fall on my knees with Jesus as he kneels before the woman caught in adultery, the one who may soon be stoned to death because a group of men said they caught her in adultery, and I want to wonder if Jesus is kneeling because this was the potential fate his mother said yes to when she agreed to carry him. God-very-God kneeling before a woman caught in adultery.
Nadia, first I will say that particular song is one have have loved since I was a young kid. I’m older than you are. Ms. Hudson does a beautiful rendition. I do not. It doesn’t stop me from trying.
Your essay wow. I’m going to read through it several more times. There’s so much in it for me.
I find how you break down the lyrics to be a whole gift of a new way to hear them.
The concept of lowliness I really resonate with. The idea that God looked with favor on her lowliness. To be able to feel that they are God’s perfect entry points. That’s beautiful to capture it that way. This is a very special essay to me. It pieced my heart as I was reading. Thank-you
“Which makes me wonder if perhaps our obsession with self-improvement is really just a form of atheism disguised as spirituality.” Yes!! AND .. i struggle with these kinds of arguments. I’m not arguing that a bunch of middle aged white women taking supplements and doing a yoga retreat in Maui is self improvement. That’s vacation.
But, “self-improvement” I think includes 12Step programs and therapy and communities of care and all kinds of things that bring us to our knees. Sometimes this line of thinking feels unnecessarily shame inducing.
agreed! i think more the treadmill of "optimization" is the problem...not real personal work.
"optimization". yes. that's a great clarifier. Thank you.
Can’t stop thinking about and seeing the word “optimization” everywhere now. That was really helpful. Reading Byung-Chul Han’s book The Disappearance of Rituals and I think you’d dig it. First two chapters.. the compulsion of production and the compulsion of authenticity. Speaks directly to what you’re talking about.
Good morning all of the corners community! Yes today is Christmas Day, I wish for each of you a day full of joy, laughter and much happiness, as for myself, today is sufficient, I am thankful for another Christmas with my wife, Leslie. I am thankful for provision, for our needs met for this day, I am thankful for protection when the storms come, and I am thankful for peace, even when the storm rages. The song by Selah, Be still my soul comes to mind. Blessings to and over each of you this day! And please remember those the forgotten ones , the cast aways of society, the ladies and men in white, the ladies of the New beginnings worshipping community at the Denver Women Correctional Facility, and so many more who are forgotten.
Merry Christmas to each of you.
Robert & Leslie.
Love this. Fall on Your Knees: That moment of "sweet surrender" when God's truth gently eclipses my lie - I collapse in relief and release.