The part about your 82 year old friend really struck me. I just turned 58 and I could write that about myself. I moved to a little island in Mexico 3.5 years ago and almost completely took myself out of the grind. I have friends who want me to go off on traveling adventures with them and I’m not the least bit tempted.
What feeds my soul at this time in my life is peace and contemplation. I’m still figuring out a balance as I ping pong a bit between too isolated and too social. But I know I’ll figure it out.
I’m visiting my daughter in the US right now and she commented on how much I’ve softened and slowed down. There was no judgment there - rather an observation about how peaceful I feel. (What a gift to have a daughter who sees me in the now!).
One of the things I most appreciate about getting older is having the space and time to figure out who I am now and act accordingly. And no expectation that this is how I’ll always be!
Sep 25, 2023·edited Sep 25, 2023Liked by Nadia Bolz-Weber
Yeah, dualism is a real trickster. It feels SO dang good in the moment -- so certain, so answer-y -- but it leaves us impoverished and insecure almost all the time.
There is such a strange feeling in that liminal place between old and new stages of ourselves -- emotional vertigo captures it just right. I had a pre-depressed and post-depressed me; a pre-kids and post-kids me; a pre-ideologically-driven and post-ideologically-driven me. It keeps happening, this letting go and then realizing I'm still hanging on to so much that I assumed was this immovable Me, and I keep being invited to let new stuff go, too.
New things to love: playing the ukulele (not very well, but joyfully); Ignatian contemplation (grew up Lutheran and didn't know contemplative practices were even a thing until I was over 40); cold dipping in Lake Harriet near our house (gave myself permission to hate it but then didn't at all).
I'm in my early 60's and retired from pastoral ministry at the end of last year. I have been very impatient with myself because I am seeking my "purpose" in retirement and haven't found a thing/place in which to invest myself yet. (It didn't help that I broke my knee in January as I was first launching my search! LOL!) This essay makes me wonder if my problem is that I've been only looking in the areas that have always defined me, and maybe I need to broaden my search. Thank you for another thoughtful essay.
Maybe you need a break? I burnt out as a doctor in 2019 and ended up taking early retirement just as Covid took hold. It worked out for me because I had permission to do nothing for a while. I’m now training to be a spiritual director as well as volunteering in an advice centre.
Thanks for this thoughtful piece , Nadia. I have found a similar circumstance in my mid seventies. My husband died for years ago; I recently retired again from church employment, and have a flourishing spiritual companioning ministry. And find myself floating in “who am I now?” It is another letting go of who I used to be, and living into the wonder of the now. It’s so helpful when another woman puts words to what you “know” and didn’t seem to be able to name. I am so grateful for your vulnerability and deep introspection! Life giving. 😍
Sep 25, 2023·edited Sep 25, 2023Liked by Nadia Bolz-Weber
I have so much in me that this piece resonates with. Fist bumping in my soul sounds like a "hell yeah!". But man, I'm really here for the comments. Soaking in the deep wisdom from the women a bit beyond where I am. So, just gonna stand here with my "Fabulous at 50" mug and let y'all top me off.
In 2016, after the death of my wife, due to a triple A, I moved from San Angelo to small town America, Dawson, Tx population 815, joined the Volunteer Fire Dept, now I’m 67 and I take great joy in responding to medical calls, where I can use my skills developed from 7 years on the street ( EMS) and approximately 20 years in the ER setting, I joy in helping those in need. I joy in my current wife, of almost five years, as we continue her ( our) war against cancer. Leslie, had a double mastectomy with flat closure, and now she leads her Texas Flatties group, i joy in her success, and the. Victories of those ladies in their war against cancer. And I joy in each new day, riding saying thank you for another day.
I was a high school teacher all my working life and worked a lot with students who had difficulties with behaviour - much talk persuading, advising, cajoling, encouraging,…
I now volunteer at a prison, visiting the wings and meeting many different men. I love the fact that I am learning the importance of being able to shut up. After many years I know I have no answers or advice that will miraculously bring insight. Instead it is incredibly freeing to sit, to be with, to listen to and just enjoy their company.
As I stand at a crossroads in a lot of areas in my life in my very late 50s, this is a very useful framing, thank you! And as a lifelong introvert, I'm finally learning to love...people. As in strangers I interact with. It's a lovely surprise!
This is so cool Maria. I’m also an introvert and highly sensitive person and have come to believe we can train ourselves, at least a little bit, to be around others and not be affected as much.
I’ve come to love quiet time. No TV, no radio, no conversation, no noise. Just my morning cup of tea and spending quiet time with God. Such precious time. Staring out my window, staring at the trees and feeling grateful that I am part of God’s amazing creation.
This is so beautiful and so freeing, though I guess those things often go hand-in-hand. It's scary to think we might miss the just-as-true versions of who we could be because we're stuck in a loop of trying to be who we once were. What a gift to think about how much there is still left to discover.
Sep 25, 2023·edited Sep 25, 2023Liked by Nadia Bolz-Weber
Nadia, in reply to your footnote, I am Canadian and feel similarly about my country - the dualistic thing - for me, proud yet sad, guilty, angry, impatient about all the flaws here. And, ready to continue to try to do some positive things to help rectify the flaws.
New things to love - aquafit, zumba, rappelling. Carpe diem!
Hey Margaret, I'm Canadian too, from BC. I love how you framed this concept about our country. It made me pause and think! I am very dualistic about things around here too and I spend quite a bit of time softening into it, working to allow it to unfold as we go through so much change.
Well, shit! This post is hitting me where I live. I've been reflecting on this very idea in big and small ways.
On a rather trivial level, I've spent the past 5 years establishing myself as "a runner," doing a few 10-15 mile road races each year. I wanted to get in shape, but feared those judgmental fitness community people I was SURE would give me side-eye or laugh at me. Eventually my doctors encouraged me to change up my workouts to avoid shin splints and my sponsor thought getting out of my comfort zone would be useful. I've since joined a boxing gym and started regularly attending regular CrossFit classes (despite having never touched a barbell or done a pullup in my goddamn life) with a recovery community called The Phoenix. I've done the Philly Half Marathon just about every year it's happened since 2019, but I've decided to skip it this year. It's something an old version of me needed, but present me has other things they love more. And, it turns out, those "judgmental fitness community people" either don't exist or don't live in Philly. I've found nothing but support and encouragement and cheerleaders who celebrate me exactly where I am every step of the way.
On a more serious level, I fell into a DEEPLY damaging relationship back in 2020 that it took me over a year to extricate myself from. (Even though I started ignoring red flags about a month in.) I was (and still am) appalled at the shit I put up with in that relationship, and somehow came to believe that that's just what being in a relationship is. And if that's what being in a relationship is, I'm not interested. But this weekend I spent 3 days celebrating one of my very best friends - a strong, brilliant woman - and her beloved at their wedding. Seeing them together all weekend, and the way they effortlessly did their own thing and then came together and then split off to hang with their own friends and then introduced family members to one another, and just the way they showed up with and for each other - well, it gave me hope and reminded me that one shitty relationship doesn't define me or limit the capacity of love.
Thanks for the reminder to keep challenging my old ideas and clear away the wreckage (or even just mental clutter) of my past.
After caregiving for years for my mother into her eventual passing, and 15 years after my father passed, I had this idea that I would return to a life like I had in my 30’s , free from the weight of sick parents and invigorated with curiosity and exploration. That didn’t happen. I’m curious and I explore but not at that pace of youth and i was worried that there was something wrong with me. Where was 30 something me? Well, he was in the past. The me of today is different, containing the younger me but also with a bunch of new h things, things I wasn’t giving space to in my quest to escape to the past.
I am solitary by nature which was wholly incompatible with having a busy life of family, job, volunteering. But, eventually, life started shifting in my favor. My children launched (more or less), my marriage ended, I retired. Then, covid put me in solitary confinement and it was so awesome! With so much busyness taken out of my life I was able to breathe, read, knit, create art, walk for endless amounts of time. Covid even provided access to a new online world of thoughtful preachers, writers and podcasters. (I loved The Chapel.) As we all emerged I was able to choose what to add back in and, now, I can truly say I'm content -almost embarrassingly so. Of course, I'm busy again and life isn't without frustrations and angst but I know that I know how to step back when I need to. Such a gift. You are fortunate to have learned your lessons at a much younger age than I did!
I love that I want to not impersonate the person that I used to be as I live new thinking and being!
I started camping this year with my special new person and I love it! However, yesterday I tried ice skating with him (first time at age 62 - what?) and discovered in 2 seconds that I'll take a hard pass on that risk!!
The part about your 82 year old friend really struck me. I just turned 58 and I could write that about myself. I moved to a little island in Mexico 3.5 years ago and almost completely took myself out of the grind. I have friends who want me to go off on traveling adventures with them and I’m not the least bit tempted.
What feeds my soul at this time in my life is peace and contemplation. I’m still figuring out a balance as I ping pong a bit between too isolated and too social. But I know I’ll figure it out.
I’m visiting my daughter in the US right now and she commented on how much I’ve softened and slowed down. There was no judgment there - rather an observation about how peaceful I feel. (What a gift to have a daughter who sees me in the now!).
One of the things I most appreciate about getting older is having the space and time to figure out who I am now and act accordingly. And no expectation that this is how I’ll always be!
🙏🙏♥️♥️
This is so awesome Lisa! You are actually doing the thing we are all talking about, well done!
Yeah, dualism is a real trickster. It feels SO dang good in the moment -- so certain, so answer-y -- but it leaves us impoverished and insecure almost all the time.
There is such a strange feeling in that liminal place between old and new stages of ourselves -- emotional vertigo captures it just right. I had a pre-depressed and post-depressed me; a pre-kids and post-kids me; a pre-ideologically-driven and post-ideologically-driven me. It keeps happening, this letting go and then realizing I'm still hanging on to so much that I assumed was this immovable Me, and I keep being invited to let new stuff go, too.
New things to love: playing the ukulele (not very well, but joyfully); Ignatian contemplation (grew up Lutheran and didn't know contemplative practices were even a thing until I was over 40); cold dipping in Lake Harriet near our house (gave myself permission to hate it but then didn't at all).
"answer-y" <--- love that
I'm in my early 60's and retired from pastoral ministry at the end of last year. I have been very impatient with myself because I am seeking my "purpose" in retirement and haven't found a thing/place in which to invest myself yet. (It didn't help that I broke my knee in January as I was first launching my search! LOL!) This essay makes me wonder if my problem is that I've been only looking in the areas that have always defined me, and maybe I need to broaden my search. Thank you for another thoughtful essay.
Maybe you need a break? I burnt out as a doctor in 2019 and ended up taking early retirement just as Covid took hold. It worked out for me because I had permission to do nothing for a while. I’m now training to be a spiritual director as well as volunteering in an advice centre.
Thanks for this thoughtful piece , Nadia. I have found a similar circumstance in my mid seventies. My husband died for years ago; I recently retired again from church employment, and have a flourishing spiritual companioning ministry. And find myself floating in “who am I now?” It is another letting go of who I used to be, and living into the wonder of the now. It’s so helpful when another woman puts words to what you “know” and didn’t seem to be able to name. I am so grateful for your vulnerability and deep introspection! Life giving. 😍
I have so much in me that this piece resonates with. Fist bumping in my soul sounds like a "hell yeah!". But man, I'm really here for the comments. Soaking in the deep wisdom from the women a bit beyond where I am. So, just gonna stand here with my "Fabulous at 50" mug and let y'all top me off.
In 2016, after the death of my wife, due to a triple A, I moved from San Angelo to small town America, Dawson, Tx population 815, joined the Volunteer Fire Dept, now I’m 67 and I take great joy in responding to medical calls, where I can use my skills developed from 7 years on the street ( EMS) and approximately 20 years in the ER setting, I joy in helping those in need. I joy in my current wife, of almost five years, as we continue her ( our) war against cancer. Leslie, had a double mastectomy with flat closure, and now she leads her Texas Flatties group, i joy in her success, and the. Victories of those ladies in their war against cancer. And I joy in each new day, riding saying thank you for another day.
I was a high school teacher all my working life and worked a lot with students who had difficulties with behaviour - much talk persuading, advising, cajoling, encouraging,…
I now volunteer at a prison, visiting the wings and meeting many different men. I love the fact that I am learning the importance of being able to shut up. After many years I know I have no answers or advice that will miraculously bring insight. Instead it is incredibly freeing to sit, to be with, to listen to and just enjoy their company.
As I stand at a crossroads in a lot of areas in my life in my very late 50s, this is a very useful framing, thank you! And as a lifelong introvert, I'm finally learning to love...people. As in strangers I interact with. It's a lovely surprise!
This is so cool Maria. I’m also an introvert and highly sensitive person and have come to believe we can train ourselves, at least a little bit, to be around others and not be affected as much.
I’ve come to love quiet time. No TV, no radio, no conversation, no noise. Just my morning cup of tea and spending quiet time with God. Such precious time. Staring out my window, staring at the trees and feeling grateful that I am part of God’s amazing creation.
This is so beautiful and so freeing, though I guess those things often go hand-in-hand. It's scary to think we might miss the just-as-true versions of who we could be because we're stuck in a loop of trying to be who we once were. What a gift to think about how much there is still left to discover.
I love that last line, Katherine. Thank you.
If the you of today doesn't consider the you of five years ago a heretic, you aren't growing spiritually. Thomas Merton
Nadia, in reply to your footnote, I am Canadian and feel similarly about my country - the dualistic thing - for me, proud yet sad, guilty, angry, impatient about all the flaws here. And, ready to continue to try to do some positive things to help rectify the flaws.
New things to love - aquafit, zumba, rappelling. Carpe diem!
Hey Margaret, I'm Canadian too, from BC. I love how you framed this concept about our country. It made me pause and think! I am very dualistic about things around here too and I spend quite a bit of time softening into it, working to allow it to unfold as we go through so much change.
Well, shit! This post is hitting me where I live. I've been reflecting on this very idea in big and small ways.
On a rather trivial level, I've spent the past 5 years establishing myself as "a runner," doing a few 10-15 mile road races each year. I wanted to get in shape, but feared those judgmental fitness community people I was SURE would give me side-eye or laugh at me. Eventually my doctors encouraged me to change up my workouts to avoid shin splints and my sponsor thought getting out of my comfort zone would be useful. I've since joined a boxing gym and started regularly attending regular CrossFit classes (despite having never touched a barbell or done a pullup in my goddamn life) with a recovery community called The Phoenix. I've done the Philly Half Marathon just about every year it's happened since 2019, but I've decided to skip it this year. It's something an old version of me needed, but present me has other things they love more. And, it turns out, those "judgmental fitness community people" either don't exist or don't live in Philly. I've found nothing but support and encouragement and cheerleaders who celebrate me exactly where I am every step of the way.
On a more serious level, I fell into a DEEPLY damaging relationship back in 2020 that it took me over a year to extricate myself from. (Even though I started ignoring red flags about a month in.) I was (and still am) appalled at the shit I put up with in that relationship, and somehow came to believe that that's just what being in a relationship is. And if that's what being in a relationship is, I'm not interested. But this weekend I spent 3 days celebrating one of my very best friends - a strong, brilliant woman - and her beloved at their wedding. Seeing them together all weekend, and the way they effortlessly did their own thing and then came together and then split off to hang with their own friends and then introduced family members to one another, and just the way they showed up with and for each other - well, it gave me hope and reminded me that one shitty relationship doesn't define me or limit the capacity of love.
Thanks for the reminder to keep challenging my old ideas and clear away the wreckage (or even just mental clutter) of my past.
After caregiving for years for my mother into her eventual passing, and 15 years after my father passed, I had this idea that I would return to a life like I had in my 30’s , free from the weight of sick parents and invigorated with curiosity and exploration. That didn’t happen. I’m curious and I explore but not at that pace of youth and i was worried that there was something wrong with me. Where was 30 something me? Well, he was in the past. The me of today is different, containing the younger me but also with a bunch of new h things, things I wasn’t giving space to in my quest to escape to the past.
I am solitary by nature which was wholly incompatible with having a busy life of family, job, volunteering. But, eventually, life started shifting in my favor. My children launched (more or less), my marriage ended, I retired. Then, covid put me in solitary confinement and it was so awesome! With so much busyness taken out of my life I was able to breathe, read, knit, create art, walk for endless amounts of time. Covid even provided access to a new online world of thoughtful preachers, writers and podcasters. (I loved The Chapel.) As we all emerged I was able to choose what to add back in and, now, I can truly say I'm content -almost embarrassingly so. Of course, I'm busy again and life isn't without frustrations and angst but I know that I know how to step back when I need to. Such a gift. You are fortunate to have learned your lessons at a much younger age than I did!
I love that I want to not impersonate the person that I used to be as I live new thinking and being!
I started camping this year with my special new person and I love it! However, yesterday I tried ice skating with him (first time at age 62 - what?) and discovered in 2 seconds that I'll take a hard pass on that risk!!