Apr 5, 2023·edited Apr 5, 2023Liked by Nadia Bolz-Weber
Something my therapist told me after my divorce: "Clarity is more important than closure." So, keep looking for that clarity. Lose the illusion of closure. That's what keeps me going.
"People are difficult"--that's clarity right there! True, clarity can sometimes lead to closure... but I've found "closure" is, most often, something my ego is insisting the rest of creation bend to. And that rarely, if ever, happens. I try to keep in mind the vision of Psalm 85:10, where justice (fairness, balance, closure) is reconciled with mercy and loving-kindness. Easter Blessings!
I love the maze analogy. I grew up on a farm, and every year we hosted a Fall Fest that included a big corn maze that took up the better part of a 60-acre field (about 60 football fields). Sometimes people would get nervous that they'd get lost inside. We always gave them the same tip: if you get turned around and are starting to feel desperate, imagine the maze is solid walls and that you've placed your left hand onto the wall to your left. Imagine keeping your hand on that wall at all times, and start walking. Wherever that left wall turns, you turn, even if it is clearly a dead end. By anchoring yourself to the physical structure of the maze in this way and putting one foot in front of the other, you'll eventually reach the end. You might encounter literally every inch of the maze, but eventually it will lead you to the end.
Holy Week and springtime have brought a new wave of grief for me as I continue to process many losses in a short period of time. I'm very much in the maze of memories you wrote of so eloquently. Right now, small and meaningful service commitments (sponsoring others in recovery, tending a grave-garden in a local cemetery, helping my drag family with their shows, etc.) keeps me putting one foot in front of another, while my morning routine of meditation, prayer, and physical movement serves as the wall anchoring me to a direction I am able to go.
When I can remember that it is the nature of mind to think, and the nature of ego to cling to stories that create “me” then I am more likely to remember that I have choices in THIS present moment, including the choice to accept nature unfolding within myself and to know I have many choices where to focus the mind if it perseverates on re-litigating the past.
“...I have many choices where to focus the mind if it perseverates on re-litigating the past.” Wow, I’m going to carry this around for a while. I can wander around in a nostalgic maze or I can walk out and move forward. It is my choice. I have the power to move forward. Thanks, Nicole.
It's interesting that in the 18th and 19th centuries, "nostalgia" was thought of as a disease and linked closely to what we'd later call depression. Your observations fit right in with that!
Your quest for fairness puts your life in hold.... DAMN That's a whole sermon right there. Do you ever wonder if that is part of the reason God says that He's the one who will take care of repaying vengeance? Because the seeking will strangle us?
I think more of us than usual got stuck in this nostalgic holding pattern during the pandemic. (Though personally I'm really good at it even in the best of times.) For me the forward pull is so often something mundane but urgent: The plants can't wait to be watered. The dog has to be walked. Getting outside and being among other lives who just do not care about my old grudges, worries etc. And who can always find ways to surprise me.
What keeps me moving forward is what I have garnered from 34 years of 12 step work/life: Living in the moment. A sincere belief and trust that if I make a "wrong" decision - I can make another decision; the trust and faith that the best is yet to come. Perhaps it is is simplistic - too simplistic. And I know that God is with me through all of my relationships, dreams, hopes - all of my faults and foibles, all of my life.
I couple that with the process - surrender, trust God, "clean house," go more deeply with God, pray, meditate, make amends, work with others....wash, rinse, and repeat - and it is what allows me to waken each day and be glad in it.
Curiousity. One of the ways I fight my depression is by wanting to know the outcome of what's happening around me; whether it's politics or the next story in a favorite book series. Wanting to know what's coming helps provide me a shield to keep me from continually beating myself up about the past. For me, the future is much more interesting then the past.
Encouragement from other people is a big part of what keeps me going — from my family and even the kind physical therapist who helps me find movements that I can do, maybe not perfectly, but better each visit. And my refusal to let fear control my life, by driving myself (very carefully) short distances.
I struggle so badly with this at almost 60 years old....wondering HOW my brain can have negative emotions about wonderful memories. My kids being small, vacations that are now behind me, the best parts of a failed marriage, memories of my wonderful daddy now gone to be with the Lord. I have been insanely blessed. Wondering more often than not just HOW every memory can have a negative feeling. My animals, wife and friends keep me moving forward. Now I understand my grandfathers depression in later life. Thank you for YOU, Nadia. You are an HONEST, TRUE SHINING LIGHT in this world!!
Knowing that I have more years behind me than in front of me compels me to make the most of the time I have left. That includes being very discerning about how I spend my time and with whom. Doing the math has really been very freeing.
I love the idea of expressing gratitude for that which was good but its season has past. Marie Kondoizing our relationships!
You've given me a lot to think about. Still trying to keep a daily list of gratitude for that which is good in the present. Not sure about Kondoizing relationships, but perhaps I'm misinterpreting what you mean.
Sorry, Sue. That was an obtuse comment I made! Marie Kondo wrote a book about decluttering. She advises that expressing gratitude for those things no longer serve (clothes that will never fit, are beyond repair, etc) will help you part with them. Nadia's comments about her socks and her sister's wisdom on relationships being for a season, a reason, or a lifetime reminded me of that. I think it's helpful to think about the "reason, season or lifetime" idea when considering major life changes like jobs, relationships, relocation.
When I'm doing donuts in my personal cul de sac of hell (your tide pool of resentment or nostalgia?), it helps me to remember that understanding is not a prerequisite for acceptance. That usually stops me in my tracks long enough to remember the serenity prayer so I can switch gears and remember that I have what I need, I am deeply loved, and I am mostly doing just fine.
That said, I'm not sure I'm moving forward deliberately as much as I am floating with the current of life around me. That's good enough for now, given where I've been and what I've gone through over the last five years. It's just not what I thought I'd be doing at this age and stage of my life.
Thank you, Nadia, for your writing, teaching, and community building. I'm really grateful for who you are and what you do.
My dog. My dog always keeps me moving -mostly forward, though sometimes she wants to smell a blade of grass that we. just. passed. But mostly, it's forward, onward, up that steep hill in our neighborhood. I will forever be grateful to God's creatures who seem to exist much better in the present, and acknowledgement of the future, than we simple humans. Sometimes I think of the Beatitudes and wonder if they are only meant for us, or if by chance, they apply to all living things. We are all from God and of God, after all, so I sometimes conjecture that it is not us who will inherit the earth, but rather every abused dog who ever lived, every bird who lost a wing... You get my drift by now I imagine ;)
I needed to read this post today. I needed some perspective. Thank you. This quote succinctly spoke to me about just why I was not moving forward: “Your quest for fairness puts your life in hold. (prevents forward motion)” Again, thank you for that! My gifted and kind and wise PT pointed the way yesterday by basically saying the same thing you said in this post. Knowing I’m not alone in the struggle helps me gain momentum to get out there and keep on moving forward. There are more experiences to be had, memories to be made.
As a retired PT, my ego said (talk about getting stuck in a maze!): I hope I was, if not wise, helpful to those I worked with in physical therapy in home health care and rehab facilities. Wishing you everything good in your life.
I feel like sitting in the complexity of it is part of feeling it. The older I get, the more I recognize that things are complex - people are complex. I can miss and love and be grateful all in one moment.
Something my therapist told me after my divorce: "Clarity is more important than closure." So, keep looking for that clarity. Lose the illusion of closure. That's what keeps me going.
I love that.
Thank you! Easter Blessings!
That's profound! Will think on your statement! We don't always receive closure! People are difficult.
"People are difficult"--that's clarity right there! True, clarity can sometimes lead to closure... but I've found "closure" is, most often, something my ego is insisting the rest of creation bend to. And that rarely, if ever, happens. I try to keep in mind the vision of Psalm 85:10, where justice (fairness, balance, closure) is reconciled with mercy and loving-kindness. Easter Blessings!
I love the maze analogy. I grew up on a farm, and every year we hosted a Fall Fest that included a big corn maze that took up the better part of a 60-acre field (about 60 football fields). Sometimes people would get nervous that they'd get lost inside. We always gave them the same tip: if you get turned around and are starting to feel desperate, imagine the maze is solid walls and that you've placed your left hand onto the wall to your left. Imagine keeping your hand on that wall at all times, and start walking. Wherever that left wall turns, you turn, even if it is clearly a dead end. By anchoring yourself to the physical structure of the maze in this way and putting one foot in front of the other, you'll eventually reach the end. You might encounter literally every inch of the maze, but eventually it will lead you to the end.
Holy Week and springtime have brought a new wave of grief for me as I continue to process many losses in a short period of time. I'm very much in the maze of memories you wrote of so eloquently. Right now, small and meaningful service commitments (sponsoring others in recovery, tending a grave-garden in a local cemetery, helping my drag family with their shows, etc.) keeps me putting one foot in front of another, while my morning routine of meditation, prayer, and physical movement serves as the wall anchoring me to a direction I am able to go.
What moves me forward is the knowledge that there are more people to love and more memories to make ahead.
Amen.
When I can remember that it is the nature of mind to think, and the nature of ego to cling to stories that create “me” then I am more likely to remember that I have choices in THIS present moment, including the choice to accept nature unfolding within myself and to know I have many choices where to focus the mind if it perseverates on re-litigating the past.
"it is the nature of mind to think, and the nature of ego to cling to stories that create “me” " - dang.
Thank you for this, Nicole! It is just what I needed this morning. ❤
“...I have many choices where to focus the mind if it perseverates on re-litigating the past.” Wow, I’m going to carry this around for a while. I can wander around in a nostalgic maze or I can walk out and move forward. It is my choice. I have the power to move forward. Thanks, Nicole.
That’s a keeper. I will be rereading it often. Beautifully said!
Thank you. I needed this.
It's interesting that in the 18th and 19th centuries, "nostalgia" was thought of as a disease and linked closely to what we'd later call depression. Your observations fit right in with that!
Your quest for fairness puts your life in hold.... DAMN That's a whole sermon right there. Do you ever wonder if that is part of the reason God says that He's the one who will take care of repaying vengeance? Because the seeking will strangle us?
Never thought of it like that, but I think maybe so!
I think more of us than usual got stuck in this nostalgic holding pattern during the pandemic. (Though personally I'm really good at it even in the best of times.) For me the forward pull is so often something mundane but urgent: The plants can't wait to be watered. The dog has to be walked. Getting outside and being among other lives who just do not care about my old grudges, worries etc. And who can always find ways to surprise me.
What keeps me moving forward is what I have garnered from 34 years of 12 step work/life: Living in the moment. A sincere belief and trust that if I make a "wrong" decision - I can make another decision; the trust and faith that the best is yet to come. Perhaps it is is simplistic - too simplistic. And I know that God is with me through all of my relationships, dreams, hopes - all of my faults and foibles, all of my life.
I couple that with the process - surrender, trust God, "clean house," go more deeply with God, pray, meditate, make amends, work with others....wash, rinse, and repeat - and it is what allows me to waken each day and be glad in it.
I'll never be able to fully articulate how grateful I am for AA and the 12 steps.
Curiousity. One of the ways I fight my depression is by wanting to know the outcome of what's happening around me; whether it's politics or the next story in a favorite book series. Wanting to know what's coming helps provide me a shield to keep me from continually beating myself up about the past. For me, the future is much more interesting then the past.
Curiosity is SUCH a big source of comfort for me, too!
Encouragement from other people is a big part of what keeps me going — from my family and even the kind physical therapist who helps me find movements that I can do, maybe not perfectly, but better each visit. And my refusal to let fear control my life, by driving myself (very carefully) short distances.
I struggle so badly with this at almost 60 years old....wondering HOW my brain can have negative emotions about wonderful memories. My kids being small, vacations that are now behind me, the best parts of a failed marriage, memories of my wonderful daddy now gone to be with the Lord. I have been insanely blessed. Wondering more often than not just HOW every memory can have a negative feeling. My animals, wife and friends keep me moving forward. Now I understand my grandfathers depression in later life. Thank you for YOU, Nadia. You are an HONEST, TRUE SHINING LIGHT in this world!!
Knowing that I have more years behind me than in front of me compels me to make the most of the time I have left. That includes being very discerning about how I spend my time and with whom. Doing the math has really been very freeing.
I love the idea of expressing gratitude for that which was good but its season has past. Marie Kondoizing our relationships!
You've given me a lot to think about. Still trying to keep a daily list of gratitude for that which is good in the present. Not sure about Kondoizing relationships, but perhaps I'm misinterpreting what you mean.
Sorry, Sue. That was an obtuse comment I made! Marie Kondo wrote a book about decluttering. She advises that expressing gratitude for those things no longer serve (clothes that will never fit, are beyond repair, etc) will help you part with them. Nadia's comments about her socks and her sister's wisdom on relationships being for a season, a reason, or a lifetime reminded me of that. I think it's helpful to think about the "reason, season or lifetime" idea when considering major life changes like jobs, relationships, relocation.
When I'm doing donuts in my personal cul de sac of hell (your tide pool of resentment or nostalgia?), it helps me to remember that understanding is not a prerequisite for acceptance. That usually stops me in my tracks long enough to remember the serenity prayer so I can switch gears and remember that I have what I need, I am deeply loved, and I am mostly doing just fine.
That said, I'm not sure I'm moving forward deliberately as much as I am floating with the current of life around me. That's good enough for now, given where I've been and what I've gone through over the last five years. It's just not what I thought I'd be doing at this age and stage of my life.
Thank you, Nadia, for your writing, teaching, and community building. I'm really grateful for who you are and what you do.
"doing donuts in my personal cul de sac of hell": !!! ❤
My dog. My dog always keeps me moving -mostly forward, though sometimes she wants to smell a blade of grass that we. just. passed. But mostly, it's forward, onward, up that steep hill in our neighborhood. I will forever be grateful to God's creatures who seem to exist much better in the present, and acknowledgement of the future, than we simple humans. Sometimes I think of the Beatitudes and wonder if they are only meant for us, or if by chance, they apply to all living things. We are all from God and of God, after all, so I sometimes conjecture that it is not us who will inherit the earth, but rather every abused dog who ever lived, every bird who lost a wing... You get my drift by now I imagine ;)
I needed to read this post today. I needed some perspective. Thank you. This quote succinctly spoke to me about just why I was not moving forward: “Your quest for fairness puts your life in hold. (prevents forward motion)” Again, thank you for that! My gifted and kind and wise PT pointed the way yesterday by basically saying the same thing you said in this post. Knowing I’m not alone in the struggle helps me gain momentum to get out there and keep on moving forward. There are more experiences to be had, memories to be made.
As a retired PT, my ego said (talk about getting stuck in a maze!): I hope I was, if not wise, helpful to those I worked with in physical therapy in home health care and rehab facilities. Wishing you everything good in your life.
I feel like sitting in the complexity of it is part of feeling it. The older I get, the more I recognize that things are complex - people are complex. I can miss and love and be grateful all in one moment.