So I just had two cookies and a coffee for breakfast. I wrote a bit ago about my wife of 40+ years having died and the holidays are not so merry by myself. I continue to sort and donate stuff and earlier this week it was the same as I took some of the now "extra" Christmas decorations to a charity resale shop. But, the "turn of thought" that helped me was to imagine that those things I donated were the "just in time" items needed by a young family/person who otherwise would not have the money to buy them new. Having been that poor college student at one point who shopped all the thrift stores for my young family - it was easy to imagine. So though it is 'different' to make Christmas for myself these days - I can help to make Christmas for others, and if - through that - I can bring a little Joy to the World... then that is enough.
As a person who is in desperate need of mercy, when I went looking for God, I found and met a God with an endless capacity for mercy. There is a lavish generosity baked into mercy. There is a soft yielding, a gentle giving way that happens in the presence of true mercy that, while I desperately long for it, I find it almost unbearable. I have to make space for it. I have to surrender to mercy, allow it to be true in the moment to receive it, whether it comes from God, from another person, or even when you try to give it to yourself….like putting away the box of decorations.
In this season of my life, where I am hour by hour trying to live “the unfamiliar as unfolding and not undoing” (thank you for that blessing) it’s the mercy of God flowing through the people in my life, generously offering me softness when everything else seems harsh, that is what is keeping me from coming undone. It is the soft yielding of another’s heart towards me that, in the most gentle (and sometimes painful way), makes space in my heart to receive it.
It’s like this: When a new mother holding her baby looks at me and says, “Do you want to hold my baby?” I panic. No not me, I’m a mess, I’m clumsy, I’m gonna drop it or hurt it some way. Pick someone else. It’s too precious for my arms to hold. The baby gets handed to me anyway and suddenly in my arms I have the yet unblemished image of God, and without any effort on my part, my heart immediately softens and yields to that Divine experience.
That’s the Christmas I need this year. I need to envision Mary looking at me and saying, “Do you want to hold my baby?”
This morning, feeling less than forgiving of myself because I dread three of our grands coming for today and tomorrow, one is completely non verbal, on the spectrum, one is verbal, on the spectrum his actions done with little or no understanding of right or wrong, I think to Collosians 3:12, and in defeat I admit I have not put these virtues on nor have I covered these with love, all I feel is just so defeated, all I can do is cry out Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, Lord remember me in this moment of defeat, even despair. Pastor Nadia I am truly thankful I’ve come to know you. Thank you, from a broken, defeated heart.
Thank God you are there for those women in prison. By the grace of God I am not sitting in a cell right now, or dead. My anxiety level is high. My son with his mental health issues, and his trying to detox from alcohol and drugs makes it so hard to love him right now. The silence between my husband and I is deafening. Christmas will come and go, and I will survive it all. Meanwhile my housework is talking hella shit to me! I am so ready to PAY someone to come in and clean for me. Is it so horrible since I do not work (retired) and just want to sit and read all day? Having a 5 year old granddaughter however helps me get into the Christmas spirit. I love her so much, I am willing to be THAT Christmas-y grandma!
I’m feeling “Advent-y” this year. Can’t decorate for Christmas, tho I did get the tiny tree for Dad’s apartment. A small Advent wreath is in my own apartment, and that’s all. It seems like EVERYTHING is in waiting, and I’m struggling to prepare. Christmas, of course, but also my upcoming knee replacement which is requiring more prep than I’d realized. Waiting... for Dad’s next fall. It will happen; his instability increases. Will it kill him this time? I don’t know. Waiting.
My desire is to live in the moment, because much of what I’m waiting for is unpleasant, and I think it’s affected my ability to wait in joyful anticipation, as in Advent seasons of the past.
This Sunday we light the pink candle - joyful anticipation. The Light will come.
It’s comforting to know that others are walking similar paths. Thank you.
The holidays are emotional amplifiers, our happy memories are more intense and the sad ones are also. I’ve found that there is a natural level of festivity that can arise and expresses itself in chats with people in line at the grocery store about what they are cooking or even work meetings that veer off into plans and jokes. The key for me is not to force it. Whatever arises arises. I’ve even stopped listening to Christmas music on purpose because it can generate feelings that may or may not be aligned with where I am. If it’s on when I’m out, fair game, but I don’t reach for it or for memories with the purpose of recalling feelings. We get plenty of feelings from the stuff that arises all by itself, and the holidays invite us to indulge in festivities or memories. I try to walk the middle path. Last night we found a new Sister Boniface Mysteries Christmas episode and really enjoyed it. It wasn’t planned, it just showed up as an option. I’m not avoiding anything that comes my way and I’ll feel just as festive as whatever comes my way presents, and I’m also not reaching for it. We didn’t get a tree this year, just didn’t feel it. It’s fine. The middle way is the way of just fine. Sad stuff comes up, happy stuff comes up, I wave at it as it passes through. It’s all good.
Thank you. I just finished preparing 2 services for tomorrow - the pastors family is away so it's those lay trainee taking up the service. Due to farewelling my very old mum 3weeks ago and my partner going a bit - well a lot manic, I'm basically quoting my Kate Bowler advent (very much credited of course) devotional and the history of some carols.
I just had a very very big moment of potential crisis- half a crisis really because authorities had to be called in. So yeah it was big.
I just took the dog out for a last wee stop and I'm sitting in the back of our flats to read this.
Huh. There's a few Wayside Chapel folk who have done some time, ad the fact that I haven't is a bit of a fluke.
Thank you for giving me a moment to consider mercy. For feeling less alone. When I know I'm not really alone but fath is just lapping at my toes...
The dog is rolling in the grass and bats are flying overhead. It's summer in Sydney and God bless us all each and every one. 💔🌟🙏💜💜💜
Thank you for writing this. I share the feeling. Just tired.... Just physically mentally, emotionally tired. Nothing major to report on and many good things happening but tired. Mercy meets me where I am so I can meet others where they are at.
Yes, I'm not feeling it too. What has me down is the state of the world - wars, famine, shootings, politics, greed, envy, resentment, anger. I can go on and on. What's with us that we can't live in Love and peace. Jesus came to model a better way of life for us on earth, dare I say heaven on earth!
We put up the lights, sparsely decorated the house, and I made two christmas trees out of a door. Susan and I just discussed what we could do for the family on christmas day and decided to have our home open and the family can come and go as they please.
This is SUCH a necessary message. The societal pressure to conform to a certain "level of Christmas-ness" can be so wearying and guilt-provoking, and in this time of war and sadness can seem like desperately trying to deny reality. Thanks for reminding us there are other things at work here.
I have trouble with Christmas; I've had the same trouble most of my adult life. When I turned my life over to the One who made me, I read this:
And as they went, The Angel of THE LORD JEHOVAH appeared in a dream to Yoseph, and said to him, “Arise, take The Boy and his mother, and flee to Egypt and stay there, until I speak to you, for Herodus is going to seek The Boy to destroy him.” And Herodus, when he saw that he was mocked by The Magi, was greatly enraged, and he sent and killed all the boys of Bethlehem and of all of its borders, from two years old and under, according to the time he had searched out from the Magi.
Matthew, Aramaic Holy Bible Translated
The King did that; and the religious in Jerusalem crucified the One. The One, born in a barn. Who, with his family, became Immigrants, fleeing death.
For the first time ever, we hired a house cleaner come in and she did an amazing job. It took off so much stress and guilt about our home. Now, we kind of don't want "the mess" of Christmas decorations up! We'll bring things out thos weekend but hope to keep it low-key and avoid clutter. Christmas mercy, yes! Christmas clutter, no!
I have really grown to appreciate working in the ER on holidays. It’s a different kind of tradition, but i love being with my work family & I love caring for people on holidays because they are usually truly appreciative
So I just had two cookies and a coffee for breakfast. I wrote a bit ago about my wife of 40+ years having died and the holidays are not so merry by myself. I continue to sort and donate stuff and earlier this week it was the same as I took some of the now "extra" Christmas decorations to a charity resale shop. But, the "turn of thought" that helped me was to imagine that those things I donated were the "just in time" items needed by a young family/person who otherwise would not have the money to buy them new. Having been that poor college student at one point who shopped all the thrift stores for my young family - it was easy to imagine. So though it is 'different' to make Christmas for myself these days - I can help to make Christmas for others, and if - through that - I can bring a little Joy to the World... then that is enough.
As a person who is in desperate need of mercy, when I went looking for God, I found and met a God with an endless capacity for mercy. There is a lavish generosity baked into mercy. There is a soft yielding, a gentle giving way that happens in the presence of true mercy that, while I desperately long for it, I find it almost unbearable. I have to make space for it. I have to surrender to mercy, allow it to be true in the moment to receive it, whether it comes from God, from another person, or even when you try to give it to yourself….like putting away the box of decorations.
In this season of my life, where I am hour by hour trying to live “the unfamiliar as unfolding and not undoing” (thank you for that blessing) it’s the mercy of God flowing through the people in my life, generously offering me softness when everything else seems harsh, that is what is keeping me from coming undone. It is the soft yielding of another’s heart towards me that, in the most gentle (and sometimes painful way), makes space in my heart to receive it.
It’s like this: When a new mother holding her baby looks at me and says, “Do you want to hold my baby?” I panic. No not me, I’m a mess, I’m clumsy, I’m gonna drop it or hurt it some way. Pick someone else. It’s too precious for my arms to hold. The baby gets handed to me anyway and suddenly in my arms I have the yet unblemished image of God, and without any effort on my part, my heart immediately softens and yields to that Divine experience.
That’s the Christmas I need this year. I need to envision Mary looking at me and saying, “Do you want to hold my baby?”
This morning, feeling less than forgiving of myself because I dread three of our grands coming for today and tomorrow, one is completely non verbal, on the spectrum, one is verbal, on the spectrum his actions done with little or no understanding of right or wrong, I think to Collosians 3:12, and in defeat I admit I have not put these virtues on nor have I covered these with love, all I feel is just so defeated, all I can do is cry out Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, Lord remember me in this moment of defeat, even despair. Pastor Nadia I am truly thankful I’ve come to know you. Thank you, from a broken, defeated heart.
Dear Nadia,
Thank God you are there for those women in prison. By the grace of God I am not sitting in a cell right now, or dead. My anxiety level is high. My son with his mental health issues, and his trying to detox from alcohol and drugs makes it so hard to love him right now. The silence between my husband and I is deafening. Christmas will come and go, and I will survive it all. Meanwhile my housework is talking hella shit to me! I am so ready to PAY someone to come in and clean for me. Is it so horrible since I do not work (retired) and just want to sit and read all day? Having a 5 year old granddaughter however helps me get into the Christmas spirit. I love her so much, I am willing to be THAT Christmas-y grandma!
Love,
Kat
P.S. Merry Christmas!
I’m feeling “Advent-y” this year. Can’t decorate for Christmas, tho I did get the tiny tree for Dad’s apartment. A small Advent wreath is in my own apartment, and that’s all. It seems like EVERYTHING is in waiting, and I’m struggling to prepare. Christmas, of course, but also my upcoming knee replacement which is requiring more prep than I’d realized. Waiting... for Dad’s next fall. It will happen; his instability increases. Will it kill him this time? I don’t know. Waiting.
My desire is to live in the moment, because much of what I’m waiting for is unpleasant, and I think it’s affected my ability to wait in joyful anticipation, as in Advent seasons of the past.
This Sunday we light the pink candle - joyful anticipation. The Light will come.
It’s comforting to know that others are walking similar paths. Thank you.
The holidays are emotional amplifiers, our happy memories are more intense and the sad ones are also. I’ve found that there is a natural level of festivity that can arise and expresses itself in chats with people in line at the grocery store about what they are cooking or even work meetings that veer off into plans and jokes. The key for me is not to force it. Whatever arises arises. I’ve even stopped listening to Christmas music on purpose because it can generate feelings that may or may not be aligned with where I am. If it’s on when I’m out, fair game, but I don’t reach for it or for memories with the purpose of recalling feelings. We get plenty of feelings from the stuff that arises all by itself, and the holidays invite us to indulge in festivities or memories. I try to walk the middle path. Last night we found a new Sister Boniface Mysteries Christmas episode and really enjoyed it. It wasn’t planned, it just showed up as an option. I’m not avoiding anything that comes my way and I’ll feel just as festive as whatever comes my way presents, and I’m also not reaching for it. We didn’t get a tree this year, just didn’t feel it. It’s fine. The middle way is the way of just fine. Sad stuff comes up, happy stuff comes up, I wave at it as it passes through. It’s all good.
Thank you. I just finished preparing 2 services for tomorrow - the pastors family is away so it's those lay trainee taking up the service. Due to farewelling my very old mum 3weeks ago and my partner going a bit - well a lot manic, I'm basically quoting my Kate Bowler advent (very much credited of course) devotional and the history of some carols.
I just had a very very big moment of potential crisis- half a crisis really because authorities had to be called in. So yeah it was big.
I just took the dog out for a last wee stop and I'm sitting in the back of our flats to read this.
Huh. There's a few Wayside Chapel folk who have done some time, ad the fact that I haven't is a bit of a fluke.
Thank you for giving me a moment to consider mercy. For feeling less alone. When I know I'm not really alone but fath is just lapping at my toes...
The dog is rolling in the grass and bats are flying overhead. It's summer in Sydney and God bless us all each and every one. 💔🌟🙏💜💜💜
Thank you for writing this. I share the feeling. Just tired.... Just physically mentally, emotionally tired. Nothing major to report on and many good things happening but tired. Mercy meets me where I am so I can meet others where they are at.
Yes, I'm not feeling it too. What has me down is the state of the world - wars, famine, shootings, politics, greed, envy, resentment, anger. I can go on and on. What's with us that we can't live in Love and peace. Jesus came to model a better way of life for us on earth, dare I say heaven on earth!
We put up the lights, sparsely decorated the house, and I made two christmas trees out of a door. Susan and I just discussed what we could do for the family on christmas day and decided to have our home open and the family can come and go as they please.
Thank you for this. This is a very difficult Christmas.
This is SUCH a necessary message. The societal pressure to conform to a certain "level of Christmas-ness" can be so wearying and guilt-provoking, and in this time of war and sadness can seem like desperately trying to deny reality. Thanks for reminding us there are other things at work here.
Oh Nadia, I have so appreciated your take on the antiphons, I really had no idea of just what they
were about before. And the music that followed was beautiful and brought peace when the news
got too noisy!! I am somewhere in the middle of feeling Christmas-y this year - with our insistence
of hustle-bustle, purchasing more and more, and the tinsel of the season often overlies the gift of
this season and it's humble origin. Thank You for your writing and sharing with us.
I have trouble with Christmas; I've had the same trouble most of my adult life. When I turned my life over to the One who made me, I read this:
And as they went, The Angel of THE LORD JEHOVAH appeared in a dream to Yoseph, and said to him, “Arise, take The Boy and his mother, and flee to Egypt and stay there, until I speak to you, for Herodus is going to seek The Boy to destroy him.” And Herodus, when he saw that he was mocked by The Magi, was greatly enraged, and he sent and killed all the boys of Bethlehem and of all of its borders, from two years old and under, according to the time he had searched out from the Magi.
Matthew, Aramaic Holy Bible Translated
The King did that; and the religious in Jerusalem crucified the One. The One, born in a barn. Who, with his family, became Immigrants, fleeing death.
and it keeps happening, decade after decades.
The One also brought the meaning of love.
If you want the best Xmas song
Here's How to Make Gravy by Paul Kelly the 2021 version.
https://youtu.be/BOWtK6HYCSE?si=kI3_DCWSmtsyzYfz
For the first time ever, we hired a house cleaner come in and she did an amazing job. It took off so much stress and guilt about our home. Now, we kind of don't want "the mess" of Christmas decorations up! We'll bring things out thos weekend but hope to keep it low-key and avoid clutter. Christmas mercy, yes! Christmas clutter, no!
I have really grown to appreciate working in the ER on holidays. It’s a different kind of tradition, but i love being with my work family & I love caring for people on holidays because they are usually truly appreciative