Dear God, My heart is a mess. There’s just more suffering and loss and fear in the world than it can hold right now. Help me not let in so much news that I have to put the “closed” sign up in the door of my heart, because my family and friends need it to stay open.
I have a neurological disability that causes my body and hands and voice to shake, which gives me a lot of anxiety and causes my heart to shake. Thank you for reminding me. It is not my soul that is shaking. You are a dear one Nadia.
Nov 27, 2023·edited Nov 27, 2023Liked by Nadia Bolz-Weber
I used to say I had a kintsugi heart that had become a heart of gold, it had been broken and repaired so often. During the last 4 years of caring for my spouse with dementia, it kept shattering during the long goodbye. I thought I would be through with such destruction once he died. Instead, I am just entering my 24th month without him and it seems that my heart, like the liver of Prometheus, grows back every night only to realize every morning that it is alone so it can break all over again.
My mother died from complications related to Parkinson’s disease, a process which lasted 10 years. Your description of your feelings is very familiar to me. Take comfort in the fact that in those feelings you are not alone. I hope you find companionship and an ear that will empathize with you and let you release your pain. It will pass and be replaced by fond memories.
In taking care of my widowed Dad who has Parkinson’s and the dementia that is so often a symptom, I learned (the hard way) that if you do not take care of yourself, you will be unable to care for your beloved one. You will need respite caregivers. Don’t wait. Visiting Angels, if you have no friends or family nearby. And two or three hours away in a place you find healing or relaxing is such a blessing. And for me, I manage a whole day and night away every few months. It keeps me strong enough to care for my Dad, who along with Mom, cared for me for 60 years. (Mom used to joke with me, saying, “Peg, the first 50 years of parenthood are the hardest.” Then I turned 51. 😁) You can do this. But you do need help. So much love....
Peg, your words are so kind. At this point I can still get away. PD has affected his ability to use his right side due to the shaking. Cognitively he is okay, though not as bright as he used to be. I am a retired pastor and I know I need to do the things I’ve suggested to people for 30 years. Having the kindness of strangers, such as you, helps me to feel that I can do it, with a little help from my friends. God bless you for lifting my heart and spirits🩷.
Denise, my dad takes carbidopa levodopa to help with the shakes and the shuffling. Note, it also helps with the constipation which is another unpleasant and unexpectedly dangerous symptom of Parkinson’s. 😏 There’s a support group in our area for folks with Parkinson’s and their partners/caregivers, and it’s been a great help for both Dad and me. At our area YMCA, there’s also a Parkinson’s exercise group that helps with keeping brain and muscles working together.
Silly little things - I got Dad two coffee mugs that are sort of bowl shaped, with the lip curved in, so there’s a bit less spillage. Heavier silverware is helpful too.
If there is any way I can be a support, I’m easy to find on FB and FB Messenger. Regardless, you and your hubby are in my prayers. 🕊
Thank you so much, Pat. We were able to join a support group for 8 weeks and that was so helpful. He takes Carbidopa- lepadopa, it is getting him to take it correctly that is the problems. He has the utensils and I got a plate and bowl that have the lip. Again, it’s the decision to not use them that drives me crazy. I called the local exercise place. The trainer might be able to suggest some equipment, but he has to be willing to use it. We live in a small town and it is a 2 hour drive to a little bigger town and 3 hours to the big city. Encouragement from people like you goes a long way supporting both of us.
My dad inspired me. He was at the nursing home every day of the week for her final two years. At a point I learned it was beyond what I could do for her; it was allowing her to have me there for company. He always told me it was never enough when people were saying they had no idea how he gave so much. I guess that’s the great paradox of love.
Yes, it is a paradox. I'm learning this new road and I hope at some point I will feel like I know how to be supportive in the best way. It is a learning curve!
Yes, dear Nadia...mine is also a mess today. Breaking and bleeding for the attack on three Palestinian students in VT this weekend. My heart longs for peace in a world where blood brothers are hell-bent on destroying one another. If only Isaac and Ishmael had been girls. This would be been a cat fight with some hair-pulling and name-calling...and it would have been over centuries ago.
I write this, ironically, as “Do You Hear What I Hear?” plays on my Spotify. What I want to hear is “The Sound of Silence.” No more bombs, no more blood-curdling cries, no more.
My heart needed to hear this today. I am Palestinian and still have family in parts of the west bank. And seeing the destruction for the last 51 days has been so hard and so heavy. I feel like my heart is on the attack. Needed this prayer today
My heart is wobbling today. About 2 weeks ago, I turned in a letter to my Department Head saying that I would be retiring at the end of the semester. I am not sure I did the right thing, so that accounts for the wobble.
I’m not entirely sure there are “right” things and “wrong” things in these cases quite as often as we think. I hope you rest in your choice and know it is good.
I am looking ahead two weeks to my own retirement so I know your uncertainty. My exhaustion after 30 years of sustainability work (to what end? my heart says, looking around at the world), and a longing to do healing work for myself and find new ways to contribute to the world are the motivation. But the fear is very real that I have no clear path, that my personal griefs and regrets will flood in when I leave time and focus for them. But I am keeping steady by focusing on the glorious possibility of more reflection, more exploration, more love to give after walking the narrow path of work and family responsibility for so long. I wish you the very best in your transition, knowing it is a beginning even when the next steps are unclear. Theodore Roethke says it beautifully (my sort of mantra) "I wake to sleep and take my waking slow/I learn by going where I need to go"
Timely post, as always. Today is the 6th anniversary of my son Joel’s passing. We lost him to the addiction he fought so hard. I wonder when the good memories overtake the regrets. I am grateful for my friendship with God - perfectly stated, Nadia. He just sits with me and asks so little of my broken heart.
Heavy heart. I feel for those boys that are injured in Burlington too. It’s only a an hour from where I live. Vermont! But the hatred is everywhere. And as you write so beautifully if I’m not careful my heart can be messy and spill out on people that I love and don’t love. I get great hope now that we are seeing a turning into something greater. We will either turn toward love or destroy each other. I’m hoping for the turn.
It is so encouraging to remember that our soul is not affected by everything else going on in our lives. As my husband was dying of cancer, one of his last journal entries was, "My soul does not have cancer."
My heart must be full, because when I read this, it spilled over--tears came reading what your husband wrote. A heart can be full of love and gratitude or it can be full of unshed tears, it seems. Yes, my soul, your soul does not have "_________." (whatever seems to overwhelm our being)
Well my I guess my heart was already a mess. I’m dealing with immense loss. Not more than anybody else. I just don’t know how to protect God’s presence in my life yet and so my loss feels profound again. I wish I knew the right way to tell this to my priest succinctly. This piece goes a long way to doing so.
Tired. Like you I feel overwhelmed by the pain and ugliness in the world, and the struggles of those close to me. I’m not sure where to put it all since my heart is definitely taxed. “Do more”, I hear in my head, but I don’t think that is the answer. A reply from my Catholic upbringing just came to mind: Lay it all at the feet of Jesus. It sounds awfully pious and Pre-Vatican II, but it also sounds comforting. And like it may enable me to love and support those in my life with a lighter touch.
Divided. I have two adult sons who can’t be in the same room with each other because one is gay and the other is evangelical. Both want my love and support for themselves but not for the other person. I do not love that way. I feel like I have to divide my family and divide my heart.
Nancy, sorry you feel like you have to divide your family and heart. I have four adult children, one gay and one trans. They all get along, but some of the extended family can be an issue. Hoping for healing with your sons.
I have a neurological disability that causes my body and hands and voice to shake, which gives me a lot of anxiety and causes my heart to shake. Thank you for reminding me. It is not my soul that is shaking. You are a dear one Nadia.
I used to say I had a kintsugi heart that had become a heart of gold, it had been broken and repaired so often. During the last 4 years of caring for my spouse with dementia, it kept shattering during the long goodbye. I thought I would be through with such destruction once he died. Instead, I am just entering my 24th month without him and it seems that my heart, like the liver of Prometheus, grows back every night only to realize every morning that it is alone so it can break all over again.
My mother died from complications related to Parkinson’s disease, a process which lasted 10 years. Your description of your feelings is very familiar to me. Take comfort in the fact that in those feelings you are not alone. I hope you find companionship and an ear that will empathize with you and let you release your pain. It will pass and be replaced by fond memories.
My husband has Parkinson's. I'm not sure I have what it takes to care for his needs. It is so damn hard.
In taking care of my widowed Dad who has Parkinson’s and the dementia that is so often a symptom, I learned (the hard way) that if you do not take care of yourself, you will be unable to care for your beloved one. You will need respite caregivers. Don’t wait. Visiting Angels, if you have no friends or family nearby. And two or three hours away in a place you find healing or relaxing is such a blessing. And for me, I manage a whole day and night away every few months. It keeps me strong enough to care for my Dad, who along with Mom, cared for me for 60 years. (Mom used to joke with me, saying, “Peg, the first 50 years of parenthood are the hardest.” Then I turned 51. 😁) You can do this. But you do need help. So much love....
Peg, your words are so kind. At this point I can still get away. PD has affected his ability to use his right side due to the shaking. Cognitively he is okay, though not as bright as he used to be. I am a retired pastor and I know I need to do the things I’ve suggested to people for 30 years. Having the kindness of strangers, such as you, helps me to feel that I can do it, with a little help from my friends. God bless you for lifting my heart and spirits🩷.
Denise, my dad takes carbidopa levodopa to help with the shakes and the shuffling. Note, it also helps with the constipation which is another unpleasant and unexpectedly dangerous symptom of Parkinson’s. 😏 There’s a support group in our area for folks with Parkinson’s and their partners/caregivers, and it’s been a great help for both Dad and me. At our area YMCA, there’s also a Parkinson’s exercise group that helps with keeping brain and muscles working together.
Silly little things - I got Dad two coffee mugs that are sort of bowl shaped, with the lip curved in, so there’s a bit less spillage. Heavier silverware is helpful too.
If there is any way I can be a support, I’m easy to find on FB and FB Messenger. Regardless, you and your hubby are in my prayers. 🕊
Thank you so much, Pat. We were able to join a support group for 8 weeks and that was so helpful. He takes Carbidopa- lepadopa, it is getting him to take it correctly that is the problems. He has the utensils and I got a plate and bowl that have the lip. Again, it’s the decision to not use them that drives me crazy. I called the local exercise place. The trainer might be able to suggest some equipment, but he has to be willing to use it. We live in a small town and it is a 2 hour drive to a little bigger town and 3 hours to the big city. Encouragement from people like you goes a long way supporting both of us.
My dad inspired me. He was at the nursing home every day of the week for her final two years. At a point I learned it was beyond what I could do for her; it was allowing her to have me there for company. He always told me it was never enough when people were saying they had no idea how he gave so much. I guess that’s the great paradox of love.
Yes, it is a paradox. I'm learning this new road and I hope at some point I will feel like I know how to be supportive in the best way. It is a learning curve!
Due to my inconstancy with social media, I just saw your post. Thanks for your response.
Prayers for you, Kake. 🙏♥️
I’m so sorry, Kake. 😔❤️🩹. Sending healing vibes, comfort, love and peace to you. May the God of all Comfort comfort you mightily. ❤️❤️
Yes, dear Nadia...mine is also a mess today. Breaking and bleeding for the attack on three Palestinian students in VT this weekend. My heart longs for peace in a world where blood brothers are hell-bent on destroying one another. If only Isaac and Ishmael had been girls. This would be been a cat fight with some hair-pulling and name-calling...and it would have been over centuries ago.
I write this, ironically, as “Do You Hear What I Hear?” plays on my Spotify. What I want to hear is “The Sound of Silence.” No more bombs, no more blood-curdling cries, no more.
But sometimes, sometimes I’m surprised by my heart.
It can be more deeply in love than I ever knew possible.
It can increasingly be gladdened by simple things I used to ignore.
It can hurt for people I don’t even like very much.
It can heal from things I used to think would destroy it.
It can long for you, God. But in ways that look less like piety and more like friendship.
Mic Drop moment - LOVE THIS. What is my word for my heart? Resilient - still trying.
My heart needed to hear this today. I am Palestinian and still have family in parts of the west bank. And seeing the destruction for the last 51 days has been so hard and so heavy. I feel like my heart is on the attack. Needed this prayer today
Prayers for you and your family, Salwa. My daughter just spent a year living in Beit Jala and we are heartbroken about the violence and suffering.
Ah this warms my heart! I have been to Beit Jala many times my cousins live there! It is a beautiful city.
My heart is wobbling today. About 2 weeks ago, I turned in a letter to my Department Head saying that I would be retiring at the end of the semester. I am not sure I did the right thing, so that accounts for the wobble.
I’m not entirely sure there are “right” things and “wrong” things in these cases quite as often as we think. I hope you rest in your choice and know it is good.
I am looking ahead two weeks to my own retirement so I know your uncertainty. My exhaustion after 30 years of sustainability work (to what end? my heart says, looking around at the world), and a longing to do healing work for myself and find new ways to contribute to the world are the motivation. But the fear is very real that I have no clear path, that my personal griefs and regrets will flood in when I leave time and focus for them. But I am keeping steady by focusing on the glorious possibility of more reflection, more exploration, more love to give after walking the narrow path of work and family responsibility for so long. I wish you the very best in your transition, knowing it is a beginning even when the next steps are unclear. Theodore Roethke says it beautifully (my sort of mantra) "I wake to sleep and take my waking slow/I learn by going where I need to go"
I retired almost 10 years ago. That and cataract surgery are two of the best things I ever did for myself.
I retired about 18 months ago and I love it.
Timely post, as always. Today is the 6th anniversary of my son Joel’s passing. We lost him to the addiction he fought so hard. I wonder when the good memories overtake the regrets. I am grateful for my friendship with God - perfectly stated, Nadia. He just sits with me and asks so little of my broken heart.
Heavy, especially for the little children caught up in the war between Israel and Gaza.
Heavy heart. I feel for those boys that are injured in Burlington too. It’s only a an hour from where I live. Vermont! But the hatred is everywhere. And as you write so beautifully if I’m not careful my heart can be messy and spill out on people that I love and don’t love. I get great hope now that we are seeing a turning into something greater. We will either turn toward love or destroy each other. I’m hoping for the turn.
My heart is tired. So, very, tired.
Yes. I have been saying this for years. I completely understand what you are saying. However, I find comfort in knowing I am not alone. God bless.
Thank you Kim! 💗 Blessings to you.
It is so encouraging to remember that our soul is not affected by everything else going on in our lives. As my husband was dying of cancer, one of his last journal entries was, "My soul does not have cancer."
My heart must be full, because when I read this, it spilled over--tears came reading what your husband wrote. A heart can be full of love and gratitude or it can be full of unshed tears, it seems. Yes, my soul, your soul does not have "_________." (whatever seems to overwhelm our being)
Thank you for your kind words. Those few words of my husband's have kept me upright many times when I feel I'm falling over.
Blessings on your tender heart.
So sorry for your loss Doris. I do love your husbands quote. Thanks for posting.
Bruised is a good word. Heartsore is another, not often used, but a good descriptor.
Well my I guess my heart was already a mess. I’m dealing with immense loss. Not more than anybody else. I just don’t know how to protect God’s presence in my life yet and so my loss feels profound again. I wish I knew the right way to tell this to my priest succinctly. This piece goes a long way to doing so.
Stretched
Tired. Like you I feel overwhelmed by the pain and ugliness in the world, and the struggles of those close to me. I’m not sure where to put it all since my heart is definitely taxed. “Do more”, I hear in my head, but I don’t think that is the answer. A reply from my Catholic upbringing just came to mind: Lay it all at the feet of Jesus. It sounds awfully pious and Pre-Vatican II, but it also sounds comforting. And like it may enable me to love and support those in my life with a lighter touch.
Divided. I have two adult sons who can’t be in the same room with each other because one is gay and the other is evangelical. Both want my love and support for themselves but not for the other person. I do not love that way. I feel like I have to divide my family and divide my heart.
Ouch! Your mama’s heart.
Nancy, sorry you feel like you have to divide your family and heart. I have four adult children, one gay and one trans. They all get along, but some of the extended family can be an issue. Hoping for healing with your sons.