Q: How do I guard against being a bitter and mean old lady?
answering a question from a reader
Each month I do a day-long Questions and Opinions with the paid subscribers of The Corners. This month I decided to choose one I didn’t have time to answer and post a longer response for everyone. Enjoy.
Dear Nadia,
How do I guard against being a bitter and mean old lady.
- A reader
Dear Reader,
When I was younger, I never ate dark chocolate. I thought it was for fools and idiots. Why in the world would anyone CHOOSE dark chocolate when smooth, creamy, delicious milk chocolate is available? I scoffed.
But then life happened to me, as it does to all of us. My pallet matured, I suppose. I tasted things that were bitter and they started to seem pleasing to me. Arugula (with a bit of goat cheese), coffee (with a bit of cream), broccolini (with more than a bit of salted butter).
I found these combinations to be compliments to each other. One making the other stand out by their contrast on the tongue.
Bitterness in foods is a delight because of how it works within an entire world of flavors and texture.
But in humans, there is no butter to make bitterness palatable. We aren’t broccolini, baby.
You know this already or you wouldn’t be asking how to avoid it.
So, sweet reader, my question back to you is this: how kind can you be toward yourself? Could you maybe, even though it’s super cringy, place your hand on your heart and ask it “What hurt you? And how can we move on together?”. Because no one is born bitter. Bitterness happens when the pain and sorrow of life overtake us so much that in defense we beat life to the punch. Because assuming everything is shit and always will be is less vulnerable than having our hoped dashed again. Better to just not hope at all and then make everyone in our lives suffer us. But reader, I am hopeful. Defiantly so. There are a million forms of shit out there, it’s true. But what is also true is that there are always more forms of love. So let’s you and I refuse to reverse the math on that.
There is more love than shit if we dare to look.
Foods to love. Dogs to love. People to love. Sunrises to love. Pizza to love. Little jagged pieces of our hearts to love. Quirks of others to love. Literature to love. Bad jokes to love.
What would you add to this list, reader?
We will all start there.
Love, Nadia
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I too have always been afraid of becoming a bitter old lady, like a couple of aunts, like some cranky neighbors. I’m 80 so I’ve got the old part down, but I occasionally border on bitter. I live in a retirement community that stopped our Saturday morning coffees, a big chance for all of us to get together and check in on each other. My initial reaction was to find all the malcontents and storm the administration and tear it down. Then I heard that someone’s husband had cancer and wasn’t going to have much time for many more coffees. So at 3am I looked at my large empty space and started calling everyone to come to coffee at our house, every Saturday morning. 30-40 people come. Others help, especially my husband and my robovac, and we gather and laugh and cry and smile with contentment….and I had come so close to the bitterness! I think I’m learning to use my energy wisely, finally!
Awkward, curious baby birds; tomatoes warm and fresh eaten straight from the vine; falling asleep to the slow pitter patter of rain and imagining a smiling God pouring over us from a giant watering can while wearing polka dot garden clogs