I too have always been afraid of becoming a bitter old lady, like a couple of aunts, like some cranky neighbors. I’m 80 so I’ve got the old part down, but I occasionally border on bitter. I live in a retirement community that stopped our Saturday morning coffees, a big chance for all of us to get together and check in on each other. My initial reaction was to find all the malcontents and storm the administration and tear it down. Then I heard that someone’s husband had cancer and wasn’t going to have much time for many more coffees. So at 3am I looked at my large empty space and started calling everyone to come to coffee at our house, every Saturday morning. 30-40 people come. Others help, especially my husband and my robovac, and we gather and laugh and cry and smile with contentment….and I had come so close to the bitterness! I think I’m learning to use my energy wisely, finally!
Awkward, curious baby birds; tomatoes warm and fresh eaten straight from the vine; falling asleep to the slow pitter patter of rain and imagining a smiling God pouring over us from a giant watering can while wearing polka dot garden clogs
Walking my granddaughter from the school bus stop to her house with her 3-year-old sister holding my other hand. Lila says, “Grandma, listen,” and holds up her stuffed bunny.
I lean in, “What is that?” I ask.
“A tiny bunny heartbeat,” she whispers. I record the moment in my notebook— a practice I started in middle school to capture all the joys of life. Write every day. It beats back bitterness and heartache. ❤️
"place your hand on your heart and ask it “What hurt you? And how can we move on together?” OMFG! So inspired by this. I FINALLY reached out and asked for help. I want to know why do I still act like an asshole (putting it mildly) even though I have been sober and worked the steps for a long time? And - WTF is up with my emotional sobriety? I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I started reading the "Big Red Book", and have a step workbook and the daily affirmations "Strengthening my recovery". Beginning this process of asking what hurt me is opening a big ole can of whoop ass! I want to do this work, but I don't. I am entirely ready, but I'm scared. My favorite Godfather Line from Michael Corleone: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in". Work, work work.
Love,
Kat
P.S. Prayers for our friend who asked this brave question.
Your words remind me of something that Anne Lamott said that I try to remember as much as possible: “Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us.” I’ll be 62 years old in a couple of months and I’m finding this “choosing” is actually becoming more natural as I get older. Not entirely sure why. I love that you connect the word defiance to hope. I’m not an optimist but I am defiantly hopeful. Two different things. Thank you for your words, Nadia.
Maybe it is worth it to separate bitterness that we feel in our hearts and how bitterness manifest itself in our behavior. I actually only have control of the latter. You can’t avoid the feeling of bitterness. I’ve tried and it kept me drunk for decades! Life is both profoundly joyful and sorrowful simultaneously. Contrary to what I always thought, heaping sweetness onto to bitterness does not cancel it out. Bitter and sweet are inseparable conjoined twins, distinct but born of the same love and longing. You have to learn to feel them together.
I’ve come to believe that the bitterness, the sour feelings of disappointment that show up in my soul, is exactly the place my gratitude comes from. It’s a knowing that the love and longing that caused my disappointment is the same ground which produces my hope and joy. It’s a constant struggle for me. My “people”, the soul friends I have in my life today help me to bear the discomfort of bitterness, allowing me to express and feel the grief of whatever is going on without descending into despair.
The behavior associated with bitterness however, is something that I can control. When I am bitter, when I am disappointed, when I am bordering on despair I have choices to make about how I express that very real grief. The very worst thing I can do is let it fester, walled off in my heart or try to box it up and pretend it doesn’t matter. I think that’s what the phrase “hardening of the heart“ means. I have learned, and still learning, the power of lament. And yes, I mean it in the biblical sense.
Cry out, wail, feel whatever bitterness is present. Lamenting is done communally. It takes vulnerability and tenderness to lament, which are the exact requirements for allowing love to flow freely into our life. So as best I can I need to keep the door of my heart open to bitterness, to disappointment, so that it stays open to receiving the concurrent sweetness and joy available to me in equal measure.
I am a 71 year old woman. Bitterness can be the end result of unprocessed feelings - years of grief, resentment, disappointment and unmet desires can become inwardly corrosive and outwardly expressed as bitterness. To avoid becoming a bitter old woman, it can be helpful to examine expectations. Many women are caretakers throughout their adult lives. Did I expect that my caretaking would end when I was older and others would care for me? Did I expect that I would sit by the fire with my knitting and my book surrounded by adoring grandchildren? Did I expect that I would be physically, mentally and emotionally sound in my old age? Dropping what may have turned out to be fantasized expectations as to how our lives would turn out and accepting where we find ourselves in the present moment is a good way to guard against bitterness. The older we get, the more loss we experience - loss of loved ones through death, relocation, betrayal, abandonment etc. - loss of our youth - perhaps loss of energy, money, resources - or loss of physical strength or mobility. Perhaps a loss of faith and a loss of hope as we face our mortality. Also, in our youth-centric society, older women often feel invisible, forgotten, undervalued. As our losses mount and our experience of invisibility mounts, bitterness is understandable. To guard against bitterness, it is helpful to ask - what gives meaning and purpose to my life now? Can I quit stewing over my disappointments, can I release the past and live fully in the present? What can I proactively do to change my situation (inner and outer)? If helping others, volunteering etc. works, great. If I am growing bitter and feel tapped out due to of a life-time of caretaking, more caretaking may not be the answer. Seeking enjoyment and new experiences may be the antidote. Instead of succumbing to bitterness, I try to use my energy to figure out what will bring fulfillment, meaning and purpose to my life now. I have been surprised at what I've discovered. I expected that I would enjoy spending my old age in a state of solitude, writing and working in my garden. I do enjoy those activities, but, to my surprise, what I really crave now is more time with people of all ages. I am trying to be observant of my patterns and aware of my needs. I am trying to avoid resignation, bitterness and anger by making myself experiment with a variety of possible solutions to my present challenges, until I find what works for now. It may be the opposite of what I expected!
I hope this doesn’t sound too corny, but I remember a poem from long ago which went: The love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay. Love isn’t love ‘til you give it away. Thanks for your words and the love behind them.
…finding humor has been my go-to…finding your messages seal the deal! I have recently dug out of a deep depressing pit and I have to thank you for the rope🙏. I pass on your emails whenever appropriate. I started reading Richard Rohr meditations from you or one of your readers mention of them, wow and amen! Then on to Learning how to see podcast with Brian McLaren. Thank you for the dark chocolate (yuk) still….and the humor and honesty to pair with it.
There are smiles to share. Smile at everyone you encounter. They won’t all smile back, but many will. As the day goes on and the smiles are going back and forth, it’s hard to be bitter!!
Yesterday I had a Blanche DeBois moment (“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”) when a very kind stranger helped me with a flat tire. I’m going to hold onto the overwhelming gratitude I felt for as long as I can as an antidote to the anger and potential bitterness this election cycle might bring.
I have been listening to a morning devotional and at the end, there is always a minute or two of silence to reflect on the lesson. They will say something like “listen to what God is saying to you” or the like. Our beloved lab Keeper is usually noisily slurping on his food-stuffed Kong and it is hardly the sacred silence of a cathedral. At first it bugged me but I soon realized that this was, in fact and spirit, God in that “silence.”
So much beautiful music to enjoy, cozy fires, the love of friends & family, a freshly mown lawn, a visit from and to friends, the opportunity to worship, traveling to places you have never seen and to places you have and you love!
I too have always been afraid of becoming a bitter old lady, like a couple of aunts, like some cranky neighbors. I’m 80 so I’ve got the old part down, but I occasionally border on bitter. I live in a retirement community that stopped our Saturday morning coffees, a big chance for all of us to get together and check in on each other. My initial reaction was to find all the malcontents and storm the administration and tear it down. Then I heard that someone’s husband had cancer and wasn’t going to have much time for many more coffees. So at 3am I looked at my large empty space and started calling everyone to come to coffee at our house, every Saturday morning. 30-40 people come. Others help, especially my husband and my robovac, and we gather and laugh and cry and smile with contentment….and I had come so close to the bitterness! I think I’m learning to use my energy wisely, finally!
Awkward, curious baby birds; tomatoes warm and fresh eaten straight from the vine; falling asleep to the slow pitter patter of rain and imagining a smiling God pouring over us from a giant watering can while wearing polka dot garden clogs
Walking my granddaughter from the school bus stop to her house with her 3-year-old sister holding my other hand. Lila says, “Grandma, listen,” and holds up her stuffed bunny.
I lean in, “What is that?” I ask.
“A tiny bunny heartbeat,” she whispers. I record the moment in my notebook— a practice I started in middle school to capture all the joys of life. Write every day. It beats back bitterness and heartache. ❤️
Dear Nadia,
"place your hand on your heart and ask it “What hurt you? And how can we move on together?” OMFG! So inspired by this. I FINALLY reached out and asked for help. I want to know why do I still act like an asshole (putting it mildly) even though I have been sober and worked the steps for a long time? And - WTF is up with my emotional sobriety? I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I started reading the "Big Red Book", and have a step workbook and the daily affirmations "Strengthening my recovery". Beginning this process of asking what hurt me is opening a big ole can of whoop ass! I want to do this work, but I don't. I am entirely ready, but I'm scared. My favorite Godfather Line from Michael Corleone: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in". Work, work work.
Love,
Kat
P.S. Prayers for our friend who asked this brave question.
Your words remind me of something that Anne Lamott said that I try to remember as much as possible: “Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us.” I’ll be 62 years old in a couple of months and I’m finding this “choosing” is actually becoming more natural as I get older. Not entirely sure why. I love that you connect the word defiance to hope. I’m not an optimist but I am defiantly hopeful. Two different things. Thank you for your words, Nadia.
Maybe it is worth it to separate bitterness that we feel in our hearts and how bitterness manifest itself in our behavior. I actually only have control of the latter. You can’t avoid the feeling of bitterness. I’ve tried and it kept me drunk for decades! Life is both profoundly joyful and sorrowful simultaneously. Contrary to what I always thought, heaping sweetness onto to bitterness does not cancel it out. Bitter and sweet are inseparable conjoined twins, distinct but born of the same love and longing. You have to learn to feel them together.
I’ve come to believe that the bitterness, the sour feelings of disappointment that show up in my soul, is exactly the place my gratitude comes from. It’s a knowing that the love and longing that caused my disappointment is the same ground which produces my hope and joy. It’s a constant struggle for me. My “people”, the soul friends I have in my life today help me to bear the discomfort of bitterness, allowing me to express and feel the grief of whatever is going on without descending into despair.
The behavior associated with bitterness however, is something that I can control. When I am bitter, when I am disappointed, when I am bordering on despair I have choices to make about how I express that very real grief. The very worst thing I can do is let it fester, walled off in my heart or try to box it up and pretend it doesn’t matter. I think that’s what the phrase “hardening of the heart“ means. I have learned, and still learning, the power of lament. And yes, I mean it in the biblical sense.
Cry out, wail, feel whatever bitterness is present. Lamenting is done communally. It takes vulnerability and tenderness to lament, which are the exact requirements for allowing love to flow freely into our life. So as best I can I need to keep the door of my heart open to bitterness, to disappointment, so that it stays open to receiving the concurrent sweetness and joy available to me in equal measure.
I have those moments too… feeling diminished, inconsequential, and refusing any light offered. Here’s this:
“We’re scared to give.
“We’re scared we only have so much, and that soon, it will be gone.
“That’s understandable.
“When you drop sugar cube into a cup of tea, the cube will disappear in time; that cannot be denied.
“But what also cannot be denied is that cup of tea will never be same—no matter how big the cup, no matter how small the sugar cube.”
—Street
Spend time with grandchildren, see the world through their eyes. Hard to be bitter or angry.
I am a 71 year old woman. Bitterness can be the end result of unprocessed feelings - years of grief, resentment, disappointment and unmet desires can become inwardly corrosive and outwardly expressed as bitterness. To avoid becoming a bitter old woman, it can be helpful to examine expectations. Many women are caretakers throughout their adult lives. Did I expect that my caretaking would end when I was older and others would care for me? Did I expect that I would sit by the fire with my knitting and my book surrounded by adoring grandchildren? Did I expect that I would be physically, mentally and emotionally sound in my old age? Dropping what may have turned out to be fantasized expectations as to how our lives would turn out and accepting where we find ourselves in the present moment is a good way to guard against bitterness. The older we get, the more loss we experience - loss of loved ones through death, relocation, betrayal, abandonment etc. - loss of our youth - perhaps loss of energy, money, resources - or loss of physical strength or mobility. Perhaps a loss of faith and a loss of hope as we face our mortality. Also, in our youth-centric society, older women often feel invisible, forgotten, undervalued. As our losses mount and our experience of invisibility mounts, bitterness is understandable. To guard against bitterness, it is helpful to ask - what gives meaning and purpose to my life now? Can I quit stewing over my disappointments, can I release the past and live fully in the present? What can I proactively do to change my situation (inner and outer)? If helping others, volunteering etc. works, great. If I am growing bitter and feel tapped out due to of a life-time of caretaking, more caretaking may not be the answer. Seeking enjoyment and new experiences may be the antidote. Instead of succumbing to bitterness, I try to use my energy to figure out what will bring fulfillment, meaning and purpose to my life now. I have been surprised at what I've discovered. I expected that I would enjoy spending my old age in a state of solitude, writing and working in my garden. I do enjoy those activities, but, to my surprise, what I really crave now is more time with people of all ages. I am trying to be observant of my patterns and aware of my needs. I am trying to avoid resignation, bitterness and anger by making myself experiment with a variety of possible solutions to my present challenges, until I find what works for now. It may be the opposite of what I expected!
I hope this doesn’t sound too corny, but I remember a poem from long ago which went: The love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay. Love isn’t love ‘til you give it away. Thanks for your words and the love behind them.
Kittens. Crocuses. Fluffy white clouds. Singing.
…finding humor has been my go-to…finding your messages seal the deal! I have recently dug out of a deep depressing pit and I have to thank you for the rope🙏. I pass on your emails whenever appropriate. I started reading Richard Rohr meditations from you or one of your readers mention of them, wow and amen! Then on to Learning how to see podcast with Brian McLaren. Thank you for the dark chocolate (yuk) still….and the humor and honesty to pair with it.
There are smiles to share. Smile at everyone you encounter. They won’t all smile back, but many will. As the day goes on and the smiles are going back and forth, it’s hard to be bitter!!
Yesterday I had a Blanche DeBois moment (“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”) when a very kind stranger helped me with a flat tire. I’m going to hold onto the overwhelming gratitude I felt for as long as I can as an antidote to the anger and potential bitterness this election cycle might bring.
I have been listening to a morning devotional and at the end, there is always a minute or two of silence to reflect on the lesson. They will say something like “listen to what God is saying to you” or the like. Our beloved lab Keeper is usually noisily slurping on his food-stuffed Kong and it is hardly the sacred silence of a cathedral. At first it bugged me but I soon realized that this was, in fact and spirit, God in that “silence.”
So much beautiful music to enjoy, cozy fires, the love of friends & family, a freshly mown lawn, a visit from and to friends, the opportunity to worship, traveling to places you have never seen and to places you have and you love!