Shutting up the asshole in my head.

Several years ago, I asked my congregation this question: What thought do you have most often about yourself to yourself ? Then I had them write those on Post-It notes and stick them on the wall.

We then walked around and read the answers and I remember it got real quiet.

Written on those little sticky notes were things like,

I'm fat.

No one will ever love me for who I am.

I'm a failure.

I'll never be enough.

These are the jagged things that we leave unsaid but that are on repeat in our heads, basically all the time.

And it made me realize that so many of us are tormented by the distance between our Ideal Self and our Actual Self, tormented by the distance between our ideal income and our actual income, our ideal personality and our actual personality-- between our ideal weight, like, our driver's license weight and our actual weight.

I know I am.  It’s as if there is this other version of Nadia in my head for some reason. She’s tidy and organized and selfless and she never gets angry in traffic and she didn't go up a couple pant sizes during COVID and for some reason she can also recite whole poems. 

She’s basically nothing like me. And yet I am sure that if I commit myself to the right lifestyle changes and spiritual practices, I can be more her and less me.

Our culture colludes in this fantasy of self-perfection, this idea that you can somehow become the ideal version of yourself. You just haven’t eliminated the right things from your diet….you just haven’t gotten the right promotion yet…you just haven’t “manifested” it yet. But here's the thing; no one, in the history of people, has ever become their ideal self. It is, and will always be, a moving target.

So when spirituality itself becomes just one more thing that we are not perfect at, one more thing to prove our worthiness, to bridge the gap between our ideal self and our actual self, perhaps we have lost the plot. It sounds so old fashioned, but perhaps we need to “repent”.

Because repentance, metanoia, isn’t about becoming your ideal self – repentance is the ability to think new thoughts when new things happen. It’s like spackle for those deeply worn neural grooves. It's the ability to stop that shit that is on repeat in our heads that convicts us of the distance between our ideal self and our actual self.

As I’ve said before, my ideal self doesn’t exist.

I do. In all my jagged glory.

(Not to mention, the self who God is in relationship with is my ACTUAL self).

Menopause has changed me and my body in ways that aren’t always conducive to self-kindness. So I am trying to recognize when I being an asshole to myself.

And then, I try and say something gentler to myself. Or even just say something funny to myself.

But please God, stop me before I cross the Stuart Smalley line. Amen.

As always if you want full access but a paid subscription isn’t for you, shoot us an email at shamelessmediallc@gmail.com with “free subscription” in the subject line and we will hook you up!