As someone who writes memoir, largely fueled by a complicated, violent, and abuse-ridden childhood, I have had to spend a lot of time figuring out how to allow other people their humanity and complexity. What I have come around to is this: I can only ever say who someone was to me. Who they were, or are, is way above my pay grade. This allows me to hold the complexity that they may have been a menace in my life, and yet someone else loved them dearly. Both can be true at the same time; one does not negate the other. I used to resent this tremendously, I'm not gonna lie, but now it just fills me with an amazing peace.
It reminds me of an Anne Lamott quote: "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." Like you, I struggle with allowing that my mother may have been warm and caring towards others when she was/is abusive, cruel, and manipulative towards me to this day.
While having an MRI, I was listening to James Taylor (comforting for me) and he began to sing Moon River. This took me back to my Mom, who loved the Andy Williams version. I began to wonder what things she had longed for in life, and why she loved the song. I was sad that I never knew these things about her. It made me think of her in a different way, who was she before she was the overwhelmed and angry drinking Mom that I remember. Perhaps later in life we might have been able to have that conversation. I always felt I had to protect myself from her, so this didn't happen. Since she has been gone for almost 20 years now, I can see us both differently, and with more compassion now.
Certainly it brought thoughts of my father, who abandoned us when I was about 7. I met him again at age 35, and he wasn't through letting me down, even ten years after his death (as when I discovered a half sister last summer who was born only four months after my sister). I don't know if a parent can be thanked for what we inherit rather than what we are taught, but I always thank him for my inate knowledge and abilities that made me a capable Mr. Fix-it and problem solver. Of course I'll continue to live with the wonder of how many others received the same inheritance...
"It can feel as if saying something, even just one positive thing about someone who hurt us is an act of self-betrayal, but often, it is an act of self-love."
My mother made an extremely poor romantic choice when I was 8, and thereafter followed six years of violent abuse (of me). She never would stand up for her son in any way that didn't make the problem worse so I learned to not talk about it. After six years, though the scales fell from her eyes when he cheated on her, so she punched him. Knocked him out cold. Did it again a week later. One-punch knockout. I was proud of her for sticking up for herself. (My mother has many many good points and strengths, but being a mother was not one of them.)
Someone suggested/requested I should forgive the evil guy (he was dedicated to it and proud of it, so I shant deny him his self-image even in death) his many evil acts; I could maybe do that if I could think up anything good about him. That's the point - I honestly cannot think of a single nice thing about the man - and I should probably just let go of the attempt since as a tweenager I was not intellectually or morally equipped to scrape up something nice to say about him given the density of sheer nastiness he managed. So I think I've just settled for thinking he made a great Bad Example of how not to be a human or a man and leave it at that.
This reminded me of a Jan Richardson quote that I love. “Quiet your voice. Quiet your judgement. Quiet the way you always tell your story to yourself.”
From “Blessing of the Well” by Jan Richardson
I’m captivated by the power we have in choosing how we tell our stories to ourselves. And I love Ted Lasso.
Nadia- your thoughts came at just the right time for me . The Lutheran Church I did attend was contemplating in becoming a Reconciling in Christ ( RIC) congregation but some conservative members did not want to advertise as such- just take care of our own is hard enough. Within 72 hrs I submitted my termination . That was the middle of April. I have been holding on to this “ hurt “ now for over a month. Your comments as well as last Sundays gospel of Jesus commanding us to love everyone, like EVERYONE, maybe that includes me loving them? So difficult- thank you.
As a negative-memory-oriented person, I've noticed that -- in my own 20+ year journey of healing from childhood abuse and trauma within my own family -- whenever I *do* allow myself to sometimes remember/note/speak/write something I liked or loved about an offending family member, it does the OPPOSITE of negate or minimize the harm done. Instead, it helps me re-land into the innocent body/mind/heart of my child self, which allows the contours of the devastation to be revealed more throughly in proper context. It's all the more devastating to be betrayed by people with attractive and/or fun and/or admirable qualities.
When I armor myself against remembering liking and loving things about family members who hurt me, I'm armoring myself against remembering myself!
What I’ve found is that I’ve often seen too much of the good. Forgiven too quickly without realising actually maybe I should have detached, maybe reassessed the relationship or friendship before wading back in. Forgiveness can be from afar. As can working out a good trait without having the person in your life.
My brother and I no longer talk. I made a decision that his behaviour was intolerable. I can definitely see that he has some good traits but I just struggle with the concept that he can choose to be nice to someone and be so awful to me.
I’m forever grateful that sobriety has allowed me to appreciate how multifaceted humans are. Forgiving myself is the ongoing task now.
Thanks Louise for this. I will shut my mouth, sit on my hands and reflect on this incident. I will follow your advise on “ not forgiving to quickly “ . I need to think clearly before I act….. then when forgiveness is given it will be heartfelt and not forced because that’s what I should do …..
My favorite quote from this article: “What I really wondered was: will her memory be selective like mine - sifting through the past for the one shitty thing that happened - like turds in an emotional cat box?” Great phrasing and thanks for helping me try to see the good stuff among my emotional turds!
I think the "bad" is heavier than the good. The evil is bolder than the pure. It tears a hole in us and it takes so much to heal it. It takes a lot of good to build us up after the bad has chipped away at us. But when those scales, as someone mentions, start to fall away, the good light is so bright and powerful if only for a few minutes. The bad can finally makes the good better, if we let it.
My daily struggle...it wasn't until the death of my adoptive father when I was 50 for me to admit the abuse I survived at the hands of my adoptive parents who were white christian nationalists before it was popular. I was raised to hate all that wasn't straight and white. I've burned albums and books, been a victim of an exorcism, beaten till I bled.i defended my parents into my 30s which is when I stopped believing like them. It's not easy to reconcile the good with the bad. There is a lot of personal grieving though
Man, I was sure that 11-year-old girl who remembered - who still remembers - the slings and arrows of many family vacations more than many joyful moments. Thanks for reminding us to give grace to those in our past as well as those in our future.
I love this! Owning our WHOLE story takes courage. All of our experiences come with gifts, some easier to find than others. Thank you for the reminder of that!
This really spoke to me today, thank you 🙏 I’ve been trying to forgive and move on from something that happened almost 6 years ago and it’s a messy, frustrating experience of making reports and having conversations that sometimes feel worse than the original experience. So thank you for the reminder not to let justified anger and hurt erode another’s humanity
This really spoke to me today, thank you 🙏 I’ve been trying to forgive and move on from something that happened almost 6 years ago and it’s a messy, frustrating experience of making reports and having conversations that sometimes feel worse than the original experience. So thank you for the reminder not to let justified anger and hurt erode another’s humanity, it’s a tricky line to walk but I guess it’s about recognising Christ in everyone
It was a long time before I hopped on the Ted Lasso bandwagon. But as a former soccer player who has greyhounds, I finally gave in. Season 2 made my husband give into his emotions more than I’ve seen him do in a long time, if ever. And it resonates so much for me as someone who often holds it all in until I break. And I mean ugly break. Which is happened so much this spring.
The reminder to remember and see the good in even the ugliest moments and people is humbling and healing. Thank you, Nadia, for connecting to the realness and rawness of everyday life.
As someone who writes memoir, largely fueled by a complicated, violent, and abuse-ridden childhood, I have had to spend a lot of time figuring out how to allow other people their humanity and complexity. What I have come around to is this: I can only ever say who someone was to me. Who they were, or are, is way above my pay grade. This allows me to hold the complexity that they may have been a menace in my life, and yet someone else loved them dearly. Both can be true at the same time; one does not negate the other. I used to resent this tremendously, I'm not gonna lie, but now it just fills me with an amazing peace.
It reminds me of an Anne Lamott quote: "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." Like you, I struggle with allowing that my mother may have been warm and caring towards others when she was/is abusive, cruel, and manipulative towards me to this day.
While having an MRI, I was listening to James Taylor (comforting for me) and he began to sing Moon River. This took me back to my Mom, who loved the Andy Williams version. I began to wonder what things she had longed for in life, and why she loved the song. I was sad that I never knew these things about her. It made me think of her in a different way, who was she before she was the overwhelmed and angry drinking Mom that I remember. Perhaps later in life we might have been able to have that conversation. I always felt I had to protect myself from her, so this didn't happen. Since she has been gone for almost 20 years now, I can see us both differently, and with more compassion now.
I needed to hear this. Especially how you said “I always felt I had to protect myself from her”. That really describes how I feel about my mom too.
I have had similar thoughts to that. I have kind of yelled at her why she didn’t let me in.
Certainly it brought thoughts of my father, who abandoned us when I was about 7. I met him again at age 35, and he wasn't through letting me down, even ten years after his death (as when I discovered a half sister last summer who was born only four months after my sister). I don't know if a parent can be thanked for what we inherit rather than what we are taught, but I always thank him for my inate knowledge and abilities that made me a capable Mr. Fix-it and problem solver. Of course I'll continue to live with the wonder of how many others received the same inheritance...
"It can feel as if saying something, even just one positive thing about someone who hurt us is an act of self-betrayal, but often, it is an act of self-love."
My mother made an extremely poor romantic choice when I was 8, and thereafter followed six years of violent abuse (of me). She never would stand up for her son in any way that didn't make the problem worse so I learned to not talk about it. After six years, though the scales fell from her eyes when he cheated on her, so she punched him. Knocked him out cold. Did it again a week later. One-punch knockout. I was proud of her for sticking up for herself. (My mother has many many good points and strengths, but being a mother was not one of them.)
Someone suggested/requested I should forgive the evil guy (he was dedicated to it and proud of it, so I shant deny him his self-image even in death) his many evil acts; I could maybe do that if I could think up anything good about him. That's the point - I honestly cannot think of a single nice thing about the man - and I should probably just let go of the attempt since as a tweenager I was not intellectually or morally equipped to scrape up something nice to say about him given the density of sheer nastiness he managed. So I think I've just settled for thinking he made a great Bad Example of how not to be a human or a man and leave it at that.
elm
gordian nut
This reminded me of a Jan Richardson quote that I love. “Quiet your voice. Quiet your judgement. Quiet the way you always tell your story to yourself.”
From “Blessing of the Well” by Jan Richardson
I’m captivated by the power we have in choosing how we tell our stories to ourselves. And I love Ted Lasso.
Nadia- your thoughts came at just the right time for me . The Lutheran Church I did attend was contemplating in becoming a Reconciling in Christ ( RIC) congregation but some conservative members did not want to advertise as such- just take care of our own is hard enough. Within 72 hrs I submitted my termination . That was the middle of April. I have been holding on to this “ hurt “ now for over a month. Your comments as well as last Sundays gospel of Jesus commanding us to love everyone, like EVERYONE, maybe that includes me loving them? So difficult- thank you.
"this teaching is HAAAAARD" <--- -anyone paying attention at all.
As a negative-memory-oriented person, I've noticed that -- in my own 20+ year journey of healing from childhood abuse and trauma within my own family -- whenever I *do* allow myself to sometimes remember/note/speak/write something I liked or loved about an offending family member, it does the OPPOSITE of negate or minimize the harm done. Instead, it helps me re-land into the innocent body/mind/heart of my child self, which allows the contours of the devastation to be revealed more throughly in proper context. It's all the more devastating to be betrayed by people with attractive and/or fun and/or admirable qualities.
When I armor myself against remembering liking and loving things about family members who hurt me, I'm armoring myself against remembering myself!
What I’ve found is that I’ve often seen too much of the good. Forgiven too quickly without realising actually maybe I should have detached, maybe reassessed the relationship or friendship before wading back in. Forgiveness can be from afar. As can working out a good trait without having the person in your life.
My brother and I no longer talk. I made a decision that his behaviour was intolerable. I can definitely see that he has some good traits but I just struggle with the concept that he can choose to be nice to someone and be so awful to me.
I’m forever grateful that sobriety has allowed me to appreciate how multifaceted humans are. Forgiving myself is the ongoing task now.
Thanks Louise for this. I will shut my mouth, sit on my hands and reflect on this incident. I will follow your advise on “ not forgiving to quickly “ . I need to think clearly before I act….. then when forgiveness is given it will be heartfelt and not forced because that’s what I should do …..
My favorite quote from this article: “What I really wondered was: will her memory be selective like mine - sifting through the past for the one shitty thing that happened - like turds in an emotional cat box?” Great phrasing and thanks for helping me try to see the good stuff among my emotional turds!
I think the "bad" is heavier than the good. The evil is bolder than the pure. It tears a hole in us and it takes so much to heal it. It takes a lot of good to build us up after the bad has chipped away at us. But when those scales, as someone mentions, start to fall away, the good light is so bright and powerful if only for a few minutes. The bad can finally makes the good better, if we let it.
My daily struggle...it wasn't until the death of my adoptive father when I was 50 for me to admit the abuse I survived at the hands of my adoptive parents who were white christian nationalists before it was popular. I was raised to hate all that wasn't straight and white. I've burned albums and books, been a victim of an exorcism, beaten till I bled.i defended my parents into my 30s which is when I stopped believing like them. It's not easy to reconcile the good with the bad. There is a lot of personal grieving though
Thanks for sharing your insight. Way to survive!
Man, I was sure that 11-year-old girl who remembered - who still remembers - the slings and arrows of many family vacations more than many joyful moments. Thanks for reminding us to give grace to those in our past as well as those in our future.
I love this! Owning our WHOLE story takes courage. All of our experiences come with gifts, some easier to find than others. Thank you for the reminder of that!
This really spoke to me today, thank you 🙏 I’ve been trying to forgive and move on from something that happened almost 6 years ago and it’s a messy, frustrating experience of making reports and having conversations that sometimes feel worse than the original experience. So thank you for the reminder not to let justified anger and hurt erode another’s humanity
This really spoke to me today, thank you 🙏 I’ve been trying to forgive and move on from something that happened almost 6 years ago and it’s a messy, frustrating experience of making reports and having conversations that sometimes feel worse than the original experience. So thank you for the reminder not to let justified anger and hurt erode another’s humanity, it’s a tricky line to walk but I guess it’s about recognising Christ in everyone
It was a long time before I hopped on the Ted Lasso bandwagon. But as a former soccer player who has greyhounds, I finally gave in. Season 2 made my husband give into his emotions more than I’ve seen him do in a long time, if ever. And it resonates so much for me as someone who often holds it all in until I break. And I mean ugly break. Which is happened so much this spring.
The reminder to remember and see the good in even the ugliest moments and people is humbling and healing. Thank you, Nadia, for connecting to the realness and rawness of everyday life.