As many of you know, at 4 months old, I contracted polio. In 1985-ish, I was diagnosed with post polio. I lose 1% of functionality every year. Last week, I completed my 7th decade, I'm 70 years old. I've lost 70% of my functionality.
I finally "womaned up and began physical therapy, counseling, and my Dr put me on Prozac. And, even though my plan was to mix brownies an I knocked the bowl with melted butter and cocoa in my lap as I was reaching for the sugar (no, the butter was warm but not hot, no burns but 3washings to get the mess out of my {thank god} brown pants), I've decided I'm still living, while there are things I can no longer do at all or only do with too much effort, life goes on. My husband is a biologist, my daughter is a physician, we figured out last year that this is a long haul situation. I remember hearing last year the the "regular flu" is still a variation of the Spanish Flu that killed my 20 year old grandmother in 1918. Over 100 years ago, it's still with us. Covid will be with us for a long time.
Thanks for this insight. I’m new to this group. I’m 78 yrs old with a neurological movement disorder that is progressive. In 2012 I had brain surgery to help control the symptoms. It was over six hours and I had to be awake. (They gave me a “halo” of 40 Novocain shots just above my forehead so I would not feel it when the surgeon drilled two dime sized holes in my skull. The brain does not feel pain.) Now I have a neurotransmitter that my neurologist programs to manage the amount of “therapy” delivered to my brain. After all that I only received about 40-50 percent. And people say “Oh you should be grateful for that much.” I want to scream. I require a walker or electric chair for mobility. My gratitude meter goes up and down.
I also have severe osteoarthritis (6 joint replacements). The reply to this is “you’re the bionic woman.” Another scream.
I need a helper every day for assistance because I live alone. I am fortunate to have a caring family, but they need me to be positive, do the therapy and try hard. Like you I am in this for the long haul. (My mother lived to be over 99.)
So Marcie, as you work on your brownies I’ll do a few shaky stitches on my crewel embroidery which is something I was always passionate about. Thank you all.
Kathy, Good too know you. I, too have arthritis as polio affects all the nerves, some more vigorously than others. I can't have joint replacements due to muscle weakness.
My husband was a widower and I married him to raise his kids. The oldest, David, was the drunk driver back in June, 1994. Christine is an MD; she blames all negative things on me. Yet, we've been married 34 years. I do *not* have much support. Yep! Your song and my song is "We shall survive!"
Thank you from a healthcare provider. Your posts have been a spiritual lifeline for me. This is some tough shit to deal with but we needed those words to pastor us through yet another day.
Thanks for this Nadia, I super needed every word right now. I’m sitting in O’Hare trying not to murder the dude with no mask who’s brushing his teeth and spitting into the trash can next to my son (we found a new seat). We’re on the way to my father in law’s funeral and my sweet husband is just crushed after watching his father fade away on a ventilator for the past 2 weeks. I’m pretty tired of being hopeful at the moment. Thanks for your words- they’re putting the ground under me at the moment… xx
I’m pretty damn sure most of us are doing no better with this than you are. We stay home, emerge into the world in a burst of optimism, then retreat again. None of us is thriving through this. We take baby steps and then desperately wonder if they were a mistake. Thank you for a forum for shaking out the dirty laundry on this. Not-so-incidentally, I was recently hurt and offended when I wasn’t invited to my Godson’s wedding - a small outdoor event. Oops! They needed a substitute bridesmaid because one of theirs developed Covid. Four days into the honeymoon, the groom woke up with horrible coughing, chest pain, difficulty breathing, and body aches. They returned home and he tested positive for Covid. She did not. Yet. They’re healthy 21 year olds. This shit is real. For the record, I am no longer offended that I wasn’t invited.
I was reading a study where it showed that when you expose yourself to the same stressor over and over your feeling of anxiety and stress lessons with each exposure and the more resilient you become.
I laughed at this because I thought, “yeah right a-holes, trying dealing with reality now”.
On top of basic covid nightmares, I am an organ transplant recipient and it was scientifically proven that the vaccines did not give transplant recipients any protection against Covid, and then there is the whole, “if we don’t stop using fossil fuels right now we are doomed”, I’ve been living in pretty much nonstop terror.
So when I read about the “Stockdale Paradox”, I realized I couldn’t live in a state of terror anymore while smiling through clenched teeth while someone tells me “everything happens for a reason things” without me wanting to punch them.
I don’t even know where to start but when you wrote, “my mental health depends on accepting reality. Not endorsing it, but accepting it.” That gave me the courage to start in the here and now. Thank you.
For me, it is about resentment. It should not be like this. Then I am resisting the world, but not having a big enough lever I am crushed by it.
Accepting reality I can see what good I can do and what changes I can make, and do them in joy rather than resisting fruitlessly in peevish resentment.
That's the theory anyway. I'll let you know if I manage it.
This is definitely the truth and it sucks but thanks for allowing space to register our complaints before telling us to toughen up and get through it. This is hard. I've been unemployed for a year and a half as of today. My partner and I were supposed to get married last August (2020) but with covid we decided to reschedule for September of 2021. Now that we're just weeks away from our date we're talking about scheduling again. So things suck but thank you for the healthy dose of reality paired with room to mourn.
Nadia, It would be very easy to get caught up in the sadness of the current reality, but one line you wrote really struck me: "I want to walk the Camino soon - but.... COVID"
I'd urge you to hold on to that thought!
Here is a small part of the journal I wrote about 'the big adventure'
"My life so far has been a journey where experience has been the primary teacher over offered wisdom. This was a key reason I wanted to walk the Camino de Santiago - to give myself the time and the space to ask the ‘bigger’ questions that I’d never really devoted any significant time, without interruption to consider. I’d had many flashes of ‘insight’ or experiences that made me think ‘aha’ – but they tended to be quickly lost in the hubbub and noise of everyday life. My spiritual outlook on life might best be described as that of a doubting Thomas: a flawed Christian with some significant authority issues and with a default tendency to be distracted by what I saw to be gaping faults in organised religion!"
It was, for me, a profound experience - and the Camino continues.
Thank you for the validation of what I am feeling. I am going to lunch tomorrow with a friend I have not seen in 18 months. I debated all day about going. I am immunocompromised so I need to limit my exposure to the world right now. But damn it, I also need a hug from my friend!! We are both vaccinated, we choose a place where booths are partitioned off. I will wear my damn mask into diner as will she, enjoy my lunch and pretend like the world is normal for an hour, then put my mask back on and go back into the chaos. But I need that hug and I need an hour. I owe it to myself
Allrite so I am stealing a david wagoner poem on pg 9 of the chapel book club's "in the shelter"
"Stand still.
The trees ahead and the bushes beside
You are not lost.
Wherever you are is called Here
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger"
Sounds really fuckin gaggy prophetic and naive but, tomorrow is what it will be yesterday is what it was, give the Here a little more focus. Hard to do especially with so much shit going on, but i think worth a shot.
I remember reading that piece and then using it in a church council meeting because someone wanted us to all give our opinion of when we could be back in church. I think talking about the Stockdale Paradox really helped us to come to terms with how different leading during a pandemic would be like. It definitely helped me to frame that time differently.
And goodness I hope it's not multiple years like this! Being single during a pandemic sucked, but at least I had the off chance that I'd be able to meet someone once stuff calmed down!
Right On. I have so set myself up for heartbreak during this.. So sad today because I am choosing not to go to our local women's singing group. It is for vaccinated only but still--singing inside.. I had to pass on it. Shifting my focus to the nearsighted rather than the farsighted is challenging but the only way through... thank you!
I work in education in the middle of Kansas. We are gearing up for school to start and the dichotomy of masks/no masks, socially distancing/not, vax/anti vax is staggering.
We look forward to being together but the cost will be frightening at best.
HI Nadia.....it broke my heart when I read about all the party animals (vaccinated) in provincetown coming down with covid because I felt it kill something dead - most specifically my women's choir that hasn't met in a year and a half. when will we ever sing in a room together again if the vaccines don't keep us from giving each other covid and putting all our vulnerable friends and family at high risk? my sister said will we be wearing masks forever. I don't know maybe. I grew up in Colorado and started skiing when I was four but I recognize downhill skiing as a climate change doomed endeavor and gave up on family christmas ski trips after too many rained out lift tickets. ....the covid is bad but the climate news is worse. We are unfortunate to live in this difficult time and I just shudder thinking of the world we are handing over to our children. I'm sorry the pandemic is cramping your travel schedule. I really like the Chapel and I appreciate your leadership in creating it. Maybe you wouldn't have done that if you were still so busy doing your old stuff. Here's to being a cranky old lady but yeah I think we kind of have to just get on with it. My friends went and did the Camino right before the pandemic. It sounded nice. You could walk from Denver to Santa Fe. Lot of nice scenery along the way.
As many of you know, at 4 months old, I contracted polio. In 1985-ish, I was diagnosed with post polio. I lose 1% of functionality every year. Last week, I completed my 7th decade, I'm 70 years old. I've lost 70% of my functionality.
I finally "womaned up and began physical therapy, counseling, and my Dr put me on Prozac. And, even though my plan was to mix brownies an I knocked the bowl with melted butter and cocoa in my lap as I was reaching for the sugar (no, the butter was warm but not hot, no burns but 3washings to get the mess out of my {thank god} brown pants), I've decided I'm still living, while there are things I can no longer do at all or only do with too much effort, life goes on. My husband is a biologist, my daughter is a physician, we figured out last year that this is a long haul situation. I remember hearing last year the the "regular flu" is still a variation of the Spanish Flu that killed my 20 year old grandmother in 1918. Over 100 years ago, it's still with us. Covid will be with us for a long time.
And I'm still gonna make those damn brownies! 😊😊😊
Thanks for this insight. I’m new to this group. I’m 78 yrs old with a neurological movement disorder that is progressive. In 2012 I had brain surgery to help control the symptoms. It was over six hours and I had to be awake. (They gave me a “halo” of 40 Novocain shots just above my forehead so I would not feel it when the surgeon drilled two dime sized holes in my skull. The brain does not feel pain.) Now I have a neurotransmitter that my neurologist programs to manage the amount of “therapy” delivered to my brain. After all that I only received about 40-50 percent. And people say “Oh you should be grateful for that much.” I want to scream. I require a walker or electric chair for mobility. My gratitude meter goes up and down.
I also have severe osteoarthritis (6 joint replacements). The reply to this is “you’re the bionic woman.” Another scream.
I need a helper every day for assistance because I live alone. I am fortunate to have a caring family, but they need me to be positive, do the therapy and try hard. Like you I am in this for the long haul. (My mother lived to be over 99.)
So Marcie, as you work on your brownies I’ll do a few shaky stitches on my crewel embroidery which is something I was always passionate about. Thank you all.
Kathy, Good too know you. I, too have arthritis as polio affects all the nerves, some more vigorously than others. I can't have joint replacements due to muscle weakness.
My husband was a widower and I married him to raise his kids. The oldest, David, was the drunk driver back in June, 1994. Christine is an MD; she blames all negative things on me. Yet, we've been married 34 years. I do *not* have much support. Yep! Your song and my song is "We shall survive!"
Thank you from a healthcare provider. Your posts have been a spiritual lifeline for me. This is some tough shit to deal with but we needed those words to pastor us through yet another day.
Thanks for this Nadia, I super needed every word right now. I’m sitting in O’Hare trying not to murder the dude with no mask who’s brushing his teeth and spitting into the trash can next to my son (we found a new seat). We’re on the way to my father in law’s funeral and my sweet husband is just crushed after watching his father fade away on a ventilator for the past 2 weeks. I’m pretty tired of being hopeful at the moment. Thanks for your words- they’re putting the ground under me at the moment… xx
I’m pretty damn sure most of us are doing no better with this than you are. We stay home, emerge into the world in a burst of optimism, then retreat again. None of us is thriving through this. We take baby steps and then desperately wonder if they were a mistake. Thank you for a forum for shaking out the dirty laundry on this. Not-so-incidentally, I was recently hurt and offended when I wasn’t invited to my Godson’s wedding - a small outdoor event. Oops! They needed a substitute bridesmaid because one of theirs developed Covid. Four days into the honeymoon, the groom woke up with horrible coughing, chest pain, difficulty breathing, and body aches. They returned home and he tested positive for Covid. She did not. Yet. They’re healthy 21 year olds. This shit is real. For the record, I am no longer offended that I wasn’t invited.
By the way, the bride is now positive, too.
I was reading a study where it showed that when you expose yourself to the same stressor over and over your feeling of anxiety and stress lessons with each exposure and the more resilient you become.
I laughed at this because I thought, “yeah right a-holes, trying dealing with reality now”.
On top of basic covid nightmares, I am an organ transplant recipient and it was scientifically proven that the vaccines did not give transplant recipients any protection against Covid, and then there is the whole, “if we don’t stop using fossil fuels right now we are doomed”, I’ve been living in pretty much nonstop terror.
So when I read about the “Stockdale Paradox”, I realized I couldn’t live in a state of terror anymore while smiling through clenched teeth while someone tells me “everything happens for a reason things” without me wanting to punch them.
I don’t even know where to start but when you wrote, “my mental health depends on accepting reality. Not endorsing it, but accepting it.” That gave me the courage to start in the here and now. Thank you.
For me, it is about resentment. It should not be like this. Then I am resisting the world, but not having a big enough lever I am crushed by it.
Accepting reality I can see what good I can do and what changes I can make, and do them in joy rather than resisting fruitlessly in peevish resentment.
That's the theory anyway. I'll let you know if I manage it.
This is definitely the truth and it sucks but thanks for allowing space to register our complaints before telling us to toughen up and get through it. This is hard. I've been unemployed for a year and a half as of today. My partner and I were supposed to get married last August (2020) but with covid we decided to reschedule for September of 2021. Now that we're just weeks away from our date we're talking about scheduling again. So things suck but thank you for the healthy dose of reality paired with room to mourn.
Nadia, It would be very easy to get caught up in the sadness of the current reality, but one line you wrote really struck me: "I want to walk the Camino soon - but.... COVID"
I'd urge you to hold on to that thought!
Here is a small part of the journal I wrote about 'the big adventure'
"My life so far has been a journey where experience has been the primary teacher over offered wisdom. This was a key reason I wanted to walk the Camino de Santiago - to give myself the time and the space to ask the ‘bigger’ questions that I’d never really devoted any significant time, without interruption to consider. I’d had many flashes of ‘insight’ or experiences that made me think ‘aha’ – but they tended to be quickly lost in the hubbub and noise of everyday life. My spiritual outlook on life might best be described as that of a doubting Thomas: a flawed Christian with some significant authority issues and with a default tendency to be distracted by what I saw to be gaping faults in organised religion!"
It was, for me, a profound experience - and the Camino continues.
I'm so excited to finally go!
Thank you for the validation of what I am feeling. I am going to lunch tomorrow with a friend I have not seen in 18 months. I debated all day about going. I am immunocompromised so I need to limit my exposure to the world right now. But damn it, I also need a hug from my friend!! We are both vaccinated, we choose a place where booths are partitioned off. I will wear my damn mask into diner as will she, enjoy my lunch and pretend like the world is normal for an hour, then put my mask back on and go back into the chaos. But I need that hug and I need an hour. I owe it to myself
Allrite so I am stealing a david wagoner poem on pg 9 of the chapel book club's "in the shelter"
"Stand still.
The trees ahead and the bushes beside
You are not lost.
Wherever you are is called Here
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger"
Sounds really fuckin gaggy prophetic and naive but, tomorrow is what it will be yesterday is what it was, give the Here a little more focus. Hard to do especially with so much shit going on, but i think worth a shot.
I remember reading that piece and then using it in a church council meeting because someone wanted us to all give our opinion of when we could be back in church. I think talking about the Stockdale Paradox really helped us to come to terms with how different leading during a pandemic would be like. It definitely helped me to frame that time differently.
And goodness I hope it's not multiple years like this! Being single during a pandemic sucked, but at least I had the off chance that I'd be able to meet someone once stuff calmed down!
It is hard, Nadia.
I think the Stockdale paradox is still relevant.
I look back to what I began to learn from Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning".
Perhaps we are meant to keep learning from these unspeakable tragedies and from the persistent things that wear us down.
Please keep encouraging us to seek for joy now, today in reality.
Right On. I have so set myself up for heartbreak during this.. So sad today because I am choosing not to go to our local women's singing group. It is for vaccinated only but still--singing inside.. I had to pass on it. Shifting my focus to the nearsighted rather than the farsighted is challenging but the only way through... thank you!
I work in education in the middle of Kansas. We are gearing up for school to start and the dichotomy of masks/no masks, socially distancing/not, vax/anti vax is staggering.
We look forward to being together but the cost will be frightening at best.
HI Nadia.....it broke my heart when I read about all the party animals (vaccinated) in provincetown coming down with covid because I felt it kill something dead - most specifically my women's choir that hasn't met in a year and a half. when will we ever sing in a room together again if the vaccines don't keep us from giving each other covid and putting all our vulnerable friends and family at high risk? my sister said will we be wearing masks forever. I don't know maybe. I grew up in Colorado and started skiing when I was four but I recognize downhill skiing as a climate change doomed endeavor and gave up on family christmas ski trips after too many rained out lift tickets. ....the covid is bad but the climate news is worse. We are unfortunate to live in this difficult time and I just shudder thinking of the world we are handing over to our children. I'm sorry the pandemic is cramping your travel schedule. I really like the Chapel and I appreciate your leadership in creating it. Maybe you wouldn't have done that if you were still so busy doing your old stuff. Here's to being a cranky old lady but yeah I think we kind of have to just get on with it. My friends went and did the Camino right before the pandemic. It sounded nice. You could walk from Denver to Santa Fe. Lot of nice scenery along the way.
Really appreciate this message. My nearsighted vision needs help. Blessings in the journey.