Who are we now, after a year of this?
Sunday Prayers March 14th, 2021
Dear God who made us all,
A year ago we did not know that we were about to learn:
what we could lose and somehow live anyway
where we would find comfort and where it would elude us
whose lives matter to whom
why we have kitchens in our homes.
In mid-March 2020 all I knew for sure is that
hoarding toilet paper doesn't make you safe - it just makes you selfish.
But God, it feels like the world is about to open back up.
And I’m both thrilled and kind of scared about that.
Because I’m not who I was a year ago.
I want so badly
to hug my friends again
and laugh like hell again
and have amazing conversations again
and yet I am not sure how long I could do any of this before crying or just getting really quiet. My emotional protective gear has worn so thin, and grief just leaks out everywhere now.
I am so afraid that I will never be who I once was. And I am also afraid that I will be.
(Not to mention, I’m not entirely clear what size jeans I wear as the me I am now)
And yet, when I quiet my anxious thoughts, I start to suspect that I am now closer to the me you have always known and always loved. So help me trust that, Lord.
As things change, help us be gentle with ourselves and with each other. We are all wearing newborn skin right now.
The Confessional returns!
Season 3 of The Confessional starts this Wednesday! Subscribe here to not miss it. I will be talking with Sarah Edmondson who was featured in the HBO documentary series about the NXIVM cult, The Vow.
Here’s the final episode of season 2, in case you’re interested. It was a devastating confession by renown journalist, Maria Hinojosa.
If You’re Nerdy Enough To Want To Listen To Me Talk About The Bible <—— click here for an episode of The Bible For Normal People
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Thank you. I am deeply grateful for this. Last weekend I combatted my anxiety by volunteering to give COVID shots. After a day of feeling joyous and like I was making a difference I suddenly felt anxious, with thoughts like "holy shit I am helping us move to YET another new normal that is completely unknown!!" Appreciating today the reminder to be gentle with myself and others as we continue to adapt and grow.
My prayers. God. I wish i had my childhood faith. I wish i could wholeheartedly believe that you are more than just a psychological projection dreamt up by my mind to deal with trauma and unresolved issues. That maybe it is culture and trauma that cause humans to define and limit a real all knowing, all powerful, eternal being into a projection we create to work out our own stuff. Or maybe you aren’t really there at all.
But I want to believe that my life is more than just an accident. I want to believe there is someone who loves me instead of judges. So in my lowest doubt- I pray.
I pray to be connected to the maker of the universe. I pray for forgiveness- for all the ways i was not enough for my mom with dementia and my God-daughter with psychosis. I pray forgiveness for all the times fear overpowered love. I pray for my healing of my own brokenness from PTSD. I pray the new therapist will have skills to help me with the latest flareup. I pray the tears and fear will be replaced with peace and contentment. Or dare i hope joy and love?
I pray for help with my rage and anger when people preach hatred and fear in your name. I pray for the deliverance of millions who have been deceived by ‘christian’-con-artists using cult tactics and mind control on their followers. For according to 2 timothy the deceivers are also deceived.
And God I thank you for all the friends I have. For new ones you added even during the pandemic. Help them to not grow weary in supporting me.
Oh how i miss in person church.
Blessing to everyone in the corners today. Amen