This is the teeniest thing, but before I had kids, I had this cabinet that had an open shelf in the middle where I kept the bath towels. I folded them in a very specific way so that they looked pretty when anyone walked by, and if when I walked by, they weren't folded in that exact way, I would take the towels out, refold them, and place them back on the shelf. But after I had children, if the towels were clean, I was happy enough, and if they were any type of folded, shoved, or otherwise sitting where they belonged, I was thrilled -- because that meant somebody who loved me did it for me, in their own kind way. I often think about that shelf and those towels, and it makes me a bit more open, less judgy, and more grateful. Grateful for your light in the world.
Soon, I will be 70. 70. It's such a big number. And I have decided it's ok to change my mind. A little thing like a birthday party. At first I told everyone I didn't want a party. I would go slowly into my 70s with little fanfare. This week I changed my mind and decided I did want to celebrate that I made it this far. I'm also changing my mind about what foods I like. So one week it might be one thing, and the next week another. I'm driving my husband nuts and often he says "You told me you didn't like that" to which I replay "I changed my mind"
I used to care so much about peoples, strangers, opinions of me. As an Indigenous person... did they think I’m addicted? Drunk? Illiterate? Unemployed? Now I just don’t care what strangers think. 🏳️⚧️🇨🇦
Somewhere or other I read that when we're in our 20s we worry about what people think about us, when we're in our 40s we don't care what people think about us, and when we're in our 60s, we realize that they don't think about us.
Being 83 years old is a humbling and also freeing experience. I am learning to accept help from others and just say “thank you; you are so kind” instead of trying to do everything myself. And I have become a very generous tipper for servers at restaurants. I am working on being less judgmental, but that’s a hard one . . .
I am hard pressed to recall *anything* that has not been impacted by a lessening of my strident beliefs. In the midst of all the junk that being a woman in her 50s brings, the relaxing of my own personal "rules" has been an unexpected boon. I think in addition to decreasing hormones, I am also decreasing my f*cks available to give. It's wonderful.
I married at 21, to a boy (really, we were just a boy and a girl; growing up came much later) who really wanted me to marry him. my father wanted me to marry, and so I did. I wasn't really in love with him, but I believed that I could be okay with it, even when I told my dad I didn't really want to marry this boy. I learned fairly quickly that he had expectations of me that I couldn't fulfill. it was not a happy marriage, and we were both miserable.
I learned that I couldn't change myself into a different person just to satisfy someone else's expectations in order to have them love me. and I learned that trying to change myself into a different person to gain love was basically murdering myself. and that whether or not I ever found someone who loved me just the way I was, loving myself was more important anyway.
ps - I did find someone who loves me for myself, and it turned out that I love him the same way.
The Pandemic and becoming a full time caregiver for my husband have pushed me to look at and do most things differently. I’ve gone from being active in formation and outreach in a large church to being grateful for a Wednesday noon service in a nearby small church. Lunch with friends at a favorite restaurant is a treasured time. And walking through a plant nursery is restorative after too many medical appointments. It’s okay to be thankful for different things now.
I am critical of judgemental people and this irony drives me mad.
Being critical often comes back and bites me in the butt.
When my kids were little, we only let them watch shows on TV that we could tolerate watching with them, so no on Barney and Sponge Bob. [Already I have to apologize for being judgemental right there and anyone who loves Barney and Sponge Bob, God bless you and good for you.] I was horrified one day to hear my five year telling another kindergartner that the Sponge Bob on his t-shirt was dumb. I was embarrassed by my son and more bothered that apparently our parental prejudices were adopted by our impressive kids. Really?! How dumb are we? We didn't use the word dumb in front of the kids, but I guess our kids figured out the translation--kids are smart that way.
That was 16 years ago and we are still navigating what is opinion and what is fact and opinions about whether something is a fact or an opinion.
I am not sure which is more flexible to change, opinion or fact.
I am also not sure what was the point of what I just wrote--maybe, humility in all things. Sensitivity is good. Be kind. Do no harm.
I could ramble on, but maybe you are not reading anymore.
On my daughter’s first day of Kindergarten (21 years ago) she wore a Sponge Bob T-shirt that said, “This is the best day ever!” I’m still happy about that, even though I was the only one crying that day.
we banned Calliou but I don't think the kids every saw anyone with a Calliou shirt lol.
kids - in others' eyes - can be a huge invitation to judge the hell out of you as a parent. everybody is fighting a struggle.
I've long thought that the best television shows - recently, anyway - were conceived when some animators were smoking pot. "okay you guys -- name something kids like!" "dinosaurs!" "trains!" QED.
Oh man! I was a school teacher before I was a parent and yes, I am reticent to admit how I might have judged parents on occasion. In restaurants and stores, I thought my kids would never behave like that in public. I obviously had NO idea! Being a parent has brought me to me knees!
loved this. I hate that I wasted time on the Brady bunch and gilligans Island. No idea how my children or any others navigate it all. I just wish all children could experience the kind of love and concern you obviously have for your children.
Oh, I loved the Brady Bunch and I had a big crush on the Professor of Gilligan's Island. It was time spent laughing and groaning with my siblings and escape can be good. My bigger concern for children is snarky unkind main characters. My main go to for review of kids' media is Common Sense Media. I appreciate your kind remarks.
I believe we worry about lot that later, like why did we? Raising kids worrying about Barney, PowerRangers, other influences on them. But mostly, the kids are alright. If/when mine have children, my hope is a listening posture between "Hmmph" & "meh" & "you're parenting is fine" and very careful about critique unless directly asked for input. Let's hope. Oh, and every male my age knows what's the subject when asked, "Ginger or MaryAnn?"
I used to think it was important for someone visiting your Catholic church that they should only receive communion if they were Catholic. Then I remembered that Jesus gave communion to Judas. Now that's trust!
Yes! I'm also Catholic(ish) and I could never agree with the mentality of "protecting" Jesus from the non-Catholics when Jesus gave communion to Judas. I think Jesus can take care of Himself and does not deny anyone his presence. There were probably crumbs too. I've always wondered, if we were to let communion crumbs fall to the floor and became concerned about trampling Jesus in the crumbs, would we become more concerned about trampling Jesus in the people around us?
As a former pastor, I used to think it was SO important for people to be part of a faith community and regularly attend worship, and that communion should be part of every Christian worship service.
Now, while I personally am still an active member of a congregation, I totally understand why so many people choose not to be, either because it’s too triggering, they no longer believe some core church teachings, or they just can’t stand the contradictions between what Jesus taught and how he treated people and the words and actions of many church members, including pastors and bishops.
I think God is present and can be worshipped in nature and all kinds of other places besides churches or other faith communities.
Also, while I still value communion, I no longer consider it an essential part of every worship service.
Nov 16, 2022·edited Nov 16, 2022Liked by Nadia Bolz-Weber
First thing that comes to mind: Leaving the house without makeup on. I spent almost 30 years thinking I had to make myself look "pretty" every time I left the house. Then I hit 40 and thought, WTF? The checkout girl and bank teller and gas station attendant do not care if I am wearing mascara and neither do I.
Many years ago, in a similar vein, I stopped shaving - I wore pants for work all the time and never went sleeveless, and had trouble with in-grown hairs as it grew back - so decided why? Now retired, like wearing capris length pants and don't even think about it :-)
My weight. I grew up with a mother who was anorexic; she has personality disorders, and how I looked was her obsession. I was her daily target. I was bulimic for many years, finally breaking the cycle and learning to love my body, not caring what my family thought or society. I used to hate my body, and now I love everything about her. This body has been through hell and back, and to think I couldn’t stand her. I never honored her. It took me nearly 40 years, but I cherish her.
I'm just starting this journey. I told my counselor a few months ago that, at 53, I'm just really sick of hating my body. I've been on a diet since I was 10 years old. WTF?
I went on diet pills when I was 12 years old. My mom was afraid I'd be fat like her mother. Diets just open us up to eating disorders. I am fat and I stopped dieting and having changed how much I weigh in 3 or 4 years. I'm still learning how to love my body. 💖💖💖
My mom didn't put me on diets or pills, but she's naturally skinny and I always wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't skinny like her. Sending you love. We're in this together, Sister.
There is such freedom in letting go of what really doesn’t matter anymore and honing in on the things that make our world brighter and better. I think about Jesus and the things He found joy in-gathering with friends, praying away from the crowd, sitting down to a good meal, helping His fellow men/women, finding beauty in nature, and loving everyone, even those who persecuted Him or disagreed with Him.
I sometimes beat myself up inside for not having a practice of praying before meals anymore. However, I have more moments of connection with God outside of the rituals I used to use for that purpose. I revel in the wonders I see and experience in nature, especially. I am amazed at the strength I notice in myself and others to overcome obstacles and persevere through suffering. I wonder at the ways that I yearn for connection with others and desire to serve in His Name. It seems to me that I am a different person than I was at many other stages of my life. As long as I stay with Him, it doesn't matter as much to me what I am like.
I love being in nature and channeling into God's presence there. Sometimes rituals give me some measure of comfort, but they're not the be all end all of how God wants to connect with us. And sometimes rituals are more about obligation and performing for/pleasing others than about actual connection with God.
This is the teeniest thing, but before I had kids, I had this cabinet that had an open shelf in the middle where I kept the bath towels. I folded them in a very specific way so that they looked pretty when anyone walked by, and if when I walked by, they weren't folded in that exact way, I would take the towels out, refold them, and place them back on the shelf. But after I had children, if the towels were clean, I was happy enough, and if they were any type of folded, shoved, or otherwise sitting where they belonged, I was thrilled -- because that meant somebody who loved me did it for me, in their own kind way. I often think about that shelf and those towels, and it makes me a bit more open, less judgy, and more grateful. Grateful for your light in the world.
I no longer fold underwear. Just throw them in a drawer like my 29-year old daughter does!
See my comment above, about stacking dishes.
Soon, I will be 70. 70. It's such a big number. And I have decided it's ok to change my mind. A little thing like a birthday party. At first I told everyone I didn't want a party. I would go slowly into my 70s with little fanfare. This week I changed my mind and decided I did want to celebrate that I made it this far. I'm also changing my mind about what foods I like. So one week it might be one thing, and the next week another. I'm driving my husband nuts and often he says "You told me you didn't like that" to which I replay "I changed my mind"
love this!
I used to care so much about peoples, strangers, opinions of me. As an Indigenous person... did they think I’m addicted? Drunk? Illiterate? Unemployed? Now I just don’t care what strangers think. 🏳️⚧️🇨🇦
Somewhere or other I read that when we're in our 20s we worry about what people think about us, when we're in our 40s we don't care what people think about us, and when we're in our 60s, we realize that they don't think about us.
Funny. We are only the center of our little world.
I was just thinking of that and then I read it from you! Mind meld!
Love this!
❤️
I can relate. I can't say that I never worry about what people think, but I'm coming to the point where I honestly give fewer fucks about it.
You've never needed anyone's permission to rest, to thrive, to be exactly who you are.
Being 83 years old is a humbling and also freeing experience. I am learning to accept help from others and just say “thank you; you are so kind” instead of trying to do everything myself. And I have become a very generous tipper for servers at restaurants. I am working on being less judgmental, but that’s a hard one . . .
I want to love this more than once!
I am hard pressed to recall *anything* that has not been impacted by a lessening of my strident beliefs. In the midst of all the junk that being a woman in her 50s brings, the relaxing of my own personal "rules" has been an unexpected boon. I think in addition to decreasing hormones, I am also decreasing my f*cks available to give. It's wonderful.
Although, to be clear, some important stuff still matters: be kind, love and be loved, do no harm. More than that, I can let it go.
This is beautiful. Thank you.
I do have a few new rules, now that I'm 73. I don't go to cocktail parties and I never, ever do polls or surveys.
Well, that's solid mental health self-care....
I love being middle aged! It's completely liberating.
two things, that are actually one:
I married at 21, to a boy (really, we were just a boy and a girl; growing up came much later) who really wanted me to marry him. my father wanted me to marry, and so I did. I wasn't really in love with him, but I believed that I could be okay with it, even when I told my dad I didn't really want to marry this boy. I learned fairly quickly that he had expectations of me that I couldn't fulfill. it was not a happy marriage, and we were both miserable.
I learned that I couldn't change myself into a different person just to satisfy someone else's expectations in order to have them love me. and I learned that trying to change myself into a different person to gain love was basically murdering myself. and that whether or not I ever found someone who loved me just the way I was, loving myself was more important anyway.
ps - I did find someone who loves me for myself, and it turned out that I love him the same way.
i relate 100%
So do I.
Thank you for this. I’m still learning…
The Pandemic and becoming a full time caregiver for my husband have pushed me to look at and do most things differently. I’ve gone from being active in formation and outreach in a large church to being grateful for a Wednesday noon service in a nearby small church. Lunch with friends at a favorite restaurant is a treasured time. And walking through a plant nursery is restorative after too many medical appointments. It’s okay to be thankful for different things now.
I found those exact same counterparts as my husband declined. It certainly expanded my world.
I am critical of judgemental people and this irony drives me mad.
Being critical often comes back and bites me in the butt.
When my kids were little, we only let them watch shows on TV that we could tolerate watching with them, so no on Barney and Sponge Bob. [Already I have to apologize for being judgemental right there and anyone who loves Barney and Sponge Bob, God bless you and good for you.] I was horrified one day to hear my five year telling another kindergartner that the Sponge Bob on his t-shirt was dumb. I was embarrassed by my son and more bothered that apparently our parental prejudices were adopted by our impressive kids. Really?! How dumb are we? We didn't use the word dumb in front of the kids, but I guess our kids figured out the translation--kids are smart that way.
That was 16 years ago and we are still navigating what is opinion and what is fact and opinions about whether something is a fact or an opinion.
I am not sure which is more flexible to change, opinion or fact.
I am also not sure what was the point of what I just wrote--maybe, humility in all things. Sensitivity is good. Be kind. Do no harm.
I could ramble on, but maybe you are not reading anymore.
Please don't judge me :-/
dang, I felt this one.
On my daughter’s first day of Kindergarten (21 years ago) she wore a Sponge Bob T-shirt that said, “This is the best day ever!” I’m still happy about that, even though I was the only one crying that day.
that started my day with a smile. thanks for sharing. I am going to have the best day ever!
we banned Calliou but I don't think the kids every saw anyone with a Calliou shirt lol.
kids - in others' eyes - can be a huge invitation to judge the hell out of you as a parent. everybody is fighting a struggle.
I've long thought that the best television shows - recently, anyway - were conceived when some animators were smoking pot. "okay you guys -- name something kids like!" "dinosaurs!" "trains!" QED.
Oh man! I was a school teacher before I was a parent and yes, I am reticent to admit how I might have judged parents on occasion. In restaurants and stores, I thought my kids would never behave like that in public. I obviously had NO idea! Being a parent has brought me to me knees!
Thanks for your comment.
loved this. I hate that I wasted time on the Brady bunch and gilligans Island. No idea how my children or any others navigate it all. I just wish all children could experience the kind of love and concern you obviously have for your children.
Oh, I loved the Brady Bunch and I had a big crush on the Professor of Gilligan's Island. It was time spent laughing and groaning with my siblings and escape can be good. My bigger concern for children is snarky unkind main characters. My main go to for review of kids' media is Common Sense Media. I appreciate your kind remarks.
I believe we worry about lot that later, like why did we? Raising kids worrying about Barney, PowerRangers, other influences on them. But mostly, the kids are alright. If/when mine have children, my hope is a listening posture between "Hmmph" & "meh" & "you're parenting is fine" and very careful about critique unless directly asked for input. Let's hope. Oh, and every male my age knows what's the subject when asked, "Ginger or MaryAnn?"
I get this. I sooo get this.
I used to think it was important for someone visiting your Catholic church that they should only receive communion if they were Catholic. Then I remembered that Jesus gave communion to Judas. Now that's trust!
Yes! I'm also Catholic(ish) and I could never agree with the mentality of "protecting" Jesus from the non-Catholics when Jesus gave communion to Judas. I think Jesus can take care of Himself and does not deny anyone his presence. There were probably crumbs too. I've always wondered, if we were to let communion crumbs fall to the floor and became concerned about trampling Jesus in the crumbs, would we become more concerned about trampling Jesus in the people around us?
As a former pastor, I used to think it was SO important for people to be part of a faith community and regularly attend worship, and that communion should be part of every Christian worship service.
Now, while I personally am still an active member of a congregation, I totally understand why so many people choose not to be, either because it’s too triggering, they no longer believe some core church teachings, or they just can’t stand the contradictions between what Jesus taught and how he treated people and the words and actions of many church members, including pastors and bishops.
I think God is present and can be worshipped in nature and all kinds of other places besides churches or other faith communities.
Also, while I still value communion, I no longer consider it an essential part of every worship service.
Yes, yes, and YES. (TLLC member:-)
Nice to find another TLLC member here who appreciates Nadia’s wisdom and frankness (and mine). 😀
Ok, what's TLLC?
Triumphant Love Lutheran Church, Austin, TX. Carl and I are both members of that congregation.
Well said Wendi!
First thing that comes to mind: Leaving the house without makeup on. I spent almost 30 years thinking I had to make myself look "pretty" every time I left the house. Then I hit 40 and thought, WTF? The checkout girl and bank teller and gas station attendant do not care if I am wearing mascara and neither do I.
Many years ago, in a similar vein, I stopped shaving - I wore pants for work all the time and never went sleeveless, and had trouble with in-grown hairs as it grew back - so decided why? Now retired, like wearing capris length pants and don't even think about it :-)
I stopped shaving when I went through menopause.
I'm having trouble with this one.
That someone I love make “ a profession of faith”. I am more comfortable now with just loving people and letting God handle that part.
Yep
My weight. I grew up with a mother who was anorexic; she has personality disorders, and how I looked was her obsession. I was her daily target. I was bulimic for many years, finally breaking the cycle and learning to love my body, not caring what my family thought or society. I used to hate my body, and now I love everything about her. This body has been through hell and back, and to think I couldn’t stand her. I never honored her. It took me nearly 40 years, but I cherish her.
I'm just starting this journey. I told my counselor a few months ago that, at 53, I'm just really sick of hating my body. I've been on a diet since I was 10 years old. WTF?
I went on diet pills when I was 12 years old. My mom was afraid I'd be fat like her mother. Diets just open us up to eating disorders. I am fat and I stopped dieting and having changed how much I weigh in 3 or 4 years. I'm still learning how to love my body. 💖💖💖
My mom didn't put me on diets or pills, but she's naturally skinny and I always wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't skinny like her. Sending you love. We're in this together, Sister.
Absolutely!!!
There is such freedom in letting go of what really doesn’t matter anymore and honing in on the things that make our world brighter and better. I think about Jesus and the things He found joy in-gathering with friends, praying away from the crowd, sitting down to a good meal, helping His fellow men/women, finding beauty in nature, and loving everyone, even those who persecuted Him or disagreed with Him.
I sometimes beat myself up inside for not having a practice of praying before meals anymore. However, I have more moments of connection with God outside of the rituals I used to use for that purpose. I revel in the wonders I see and experience in nature, especially. I am amazed at the strength I notice in myself and others to overcome obstacles and persevere through suffering. I wonder at the ways that I yearn for connection with others and desire to serve in His Name. It seems to me that I am a different person than I was at many other stages of my life. As long as I stay with Him, it doesn't matter as much to me what I am like.
I love being in nature and channeling into God's presence there. Sometimes rituals give me some measure of comfort, but they're not the be all end all of how God wants to connect with us. And sometimes rituals are more about obligation and performing for/pleasing others than about actual connection with God.
Instead of ideas & beliefs, faith has become an unexplored journey of trust & hope