This is unbelievably timely. For the last two months I've been working through an unexpected and devastating break-up. I am doing the work-- sitting with all the feelings and not running away or off-ramping compulsively while also keeping my work/creative life moving forward, taking care of my kids, the cats, the house, the garden. But it is consuming 99% of my psychic energy, all day, every day. Just the sheer effort to be present for all the feelings and my relatively tiny life.
Then today I got invited to spend a day at the lake with my recently-former bonus kid's mom and her current husband and their blended family, for swimming and rollerskating and food. They value me and want to continue to be connected to me, even more deeply connected than we were before, even though things fell to shit with bonus kid's dad. What a blessing! But I am anxious about it. Anxious I'll say something awkward because being with all of them wouldn't even be happening if it weren't for him, so he will be present even though he is defiantly not present anymore. Anxious I won't be able to keep my sadness at bay and be a downer. Anxious that it will just be painful, rather than joyful, because I won't be able to get out of my own head.
But I am going anyway, because I have to trust that they invited me knowing which one I am and what I'm going through. That connection is healing. That even if there are awkward or sad moments, it will be okay. That I don't have to stay curled in on myself until I'm capable of putting on my socially-acceptable panties. That I can just show up, whole and imperfect and awkward and real, and perhaps that willingness is the most healing thing of all.
I went into this pandemic with a husband. While the pandemic isn't "over", my marriage of 31 years sure is. In fact it was on our actual wedding anniversary that he broke the news. It gets better. He did it on a zoom call with our marriage counselor. Said he was looking for joy and I wasn't it. He took a suitcase and moved out. 31 years and he takes 1 suitcase.
He said he doesn't like the woman Ive become and my values don't appeal to him, and he isn't interested in anything that I am. Just celebrated 10 years of sobriety. I had a feeling we were gonna end up here. It's hard to be in an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't have some kind of spiritual practice Who drinks a lot and doesn't want to talk about his feelings. Thats sounds familiar. It's taken me this long to sort of accept it. I'm not thrilled to be in this position. I mean the last time I was looking for love was 4am in the toilet of Smart Bar Chicago in 1989.. So I'm coming out of this global pandemic with new skin, a new lease on life. I don't know what's in store or where I'm headed. I just know that it's gonna blow my silver hair back. Like, a lot! So much in fact, I'll consider some wigs. who knows?? I'm a 55 year old woman living in grace, integrity and humor. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna lose my edge.
I want you to know that this is one of the bravest things I've read. I see that it's been two years since you posted. I would like to think you are doing even better now. Kindest regards.
Ah geez... ever since I was in high school I've been preaching that most males are shallow assh*les that would benefit immensely from castration. Fifty years later this hasn't changed.
Not to be a debbie downer but I think i will miss the conversations i was having with folks during the shutdown, i admit they were fewer in number, but, they were actually like real conversations like exchanging ideas and discussing stuff and taking time to really listen to what other folks had to say, and I think now, in an effort to get back to our pre shutdown breakneck pace of things we all had been accustomed to, the " hi-how-r-you-fine-busy-gotta go" psuedo conversations will quickly return, like the traffic.
I think for me, since I have my kids and grandchildren close by and was able to see each other outside and 6 feet apart, it’s maybe a little easier, especially since we got vaccinated. However, since mask mandates have been lifted, I feel so concerned about how to move forward. I want to see friends, and have lunch, but at the same time very very concerned. I’m one of those people that will ask, are you vaccinated? People are saying I’m not supposed to ask that, but I’m saying I want to know who I’m with. At this point, I will only see people that I can trust with my heart.
I related so to much of what you wrote. I have become quieter, less interested in constant activity. And yet I feel more open to occasional interruptions as I'm now able to sit outside on my patio in my corner apartment where neighbors walk by, admire my tiny garden, and sometimes stop to chat a bit. I'm 84 and healthy. I love to walk (better alone so I can hear and see nature and not run my mouth.) I love to swim laps. It's a form of meditation for me. The past year helped me make peace with the okayness of settling into the quieter last phase of my life and making connections with friends and family really count by being heart present, not off in my head. Thank you and bless your continued work.
After over a year in isolation, with only a handful of essential ventures out by car, I got my second shot yesterday. On the way home, I too got angry in traffic. I will try to follow the Lazarus model from now on.
I love the image of the bodyguard. It helps explain a lot. Today I woke up just sad, and I'm not quite sure why. My emotions are definitely on the surface. I am so tired of my husband working from home. I feel like my skin is crawling, just rubbed raw, it's usual introvert bubble and protection gone.
I’ve been sober for 16 years are you attending AA at the beginning and then went to celebrate recovery meetings. When the pandemic hit everything was zoom meetings.
I too went from having a slam schedule with my own catering business, trying to find mean I’m making a living wow is this just kept canceling until they were all canceled. Six months into the pandemic we were officially closed after 13 years.
The only contact I had with my wife I’m coworkers at a job at a BBQ restaurant And then executive chef position with hours a chef for dream of.
“Everything that happens, God turns it to good for its Gods ability to do so”
I did Not realize how not attending meetings in person affecting me.
13 months and I was done. It was either go to a meeting in person or something else. I’ve been sober 16 years and she’s in life for 15 years (suicide attempt) there is a huge difference being with forks that get it and forks that don’t.
I found it interesting how you wrote about Lazarus eyes adjusting to the light and how that hurt. I can relate.
Yes change in hurt i’ll be painful sometimes but I can also remind you to be grateful for what you have and for what you don’t have.
Was covid something to be fearful of? Yes. Looking back on how it lasting more than we thought and even it continued something to fear more of it the Vaccines were available, after 13 months if that I was a risk I still would’ve ran to that AA meeting like I did. Hell at that point it would be a high chance of getting COVID, relapsing, or dieing on my terms. I would’ve been screwed anyways. I am grateful for the vaccine we are slowly coming out of our shell in many different ways and that I am still sober and I am still here on this earth. I am more grateful for things I noticed the little things in life and I praise God for them
This whole pandemic has gone on so much way too long that unfortunately a lot of things have just become how it has been for so long....was talking to someone yesterday with a child in her life who was in kindergarten when the schools closed in 2020 and is just dwelling in this post apocalyptic mess where first grade is nothing like we want for her......I didn't even realize some of my pain until last week at the end of a large meeting I attended from home the hospital CEO showed a slideshow of pandemic scrapbook photos of all our hospital miracle colleagues in masks, showing up....continuing the old work and inventing the new things that were needed.....the pictures of them there at the front of the pandemic holding each other people comforting each other face shield to face shield, gowned arms embracing.......and I just started sobbing. Looking at all those pictures I could feel all of us just persevering through all of this and the fear and the loneliness and the exhaustion and the horror and the difficulty at home with our families and the schools and the childcare and all the dryness of 16 months with no concerts or hockey or soccer or choir or church or gym......plus all the people that have gone like my mother will not see again still unburied waiting in the funeral home.......I've worked at the hospital for a long time and it reminds me of Deep Space Nine or a big space station and it is a home and a family.....the slide show went on and on because the pandemic has gone on and on and we keep going on and on together one day at a time. It felt good to be a blubbering mess and really feel it for a few minutes. I'm pretty much assuming we will get out of this like we got in one foot in front of the other and some things we invented we will keep like more telemedicine but some things are going to be a scorched mess that we have to somehow comfort like the hearts of our kindergartners......
How do we catch up? Wow. Thanks for focusing on this. It probably start with me apologizing to my siblings for taking out most of my sometimes-bitchy pandemic anxiety on them in all our text string conversations. I guess it’s also important to ask them how they feel the pandemic has changed them. It’s SO easy, especially with family, to just have this autopilot assumption the they’re same people you always knew, with the same baggage, same issues, etc. It’s so programmed into our brains when it comes to family. I need to assume the best, including complexity and change. I’m still working on this...that is, how to assume the very best about people and REALLY assume it, not just hope for it.
I don’t quite feel like Lazarus yet - haven’t gotten out to do things and see people. Work is still telework and I sit in my apartment almost all the time. Going to Maui for a chunk of July though with my husband, daughter and a few friends, including a pastor friend who is part of our own “hedge of protection” - love that term so much. 🙏🏻
this is so descriptive of my experience. all of it. Doing that ONE THING and then having to go back into reset mode.. and the anxiety when there are days with more than ONE THING and the Lazarus skin inner and outer. thank you for putting words on all of this.
Thank you for your honesty. I incidentally have lots of social engagements planned for this week (especially relative to the past 16 months) and although I'm the most extraverted of my friends (or used to be) I'm catching myself being anxious about all my plans. Everything still just feels so precarious not least of all, who I am in others company.
This is unbelievably timely. For the last two months I've been working through an unexpected and devastating break-up. I am doing the work-- sitting with all the feelings and not running away or off-ramping compulsively while also keeping my work/creative life moving forward, taking care of my kids, the cats, the house, the garden. But it is consuming 99% of my psychic energy, all day, every day. Just the sheer effort to be present for all the feelings and my relatively tiny life.
Then today I got invited to spend a day at the lake with my recently-former bonus kid's mom and her current husband and their blended family, for swimming and rollerskating and food. They value me and want to continue to be connected to me, even more deeply connected than we were before, even though things fell to shit with bonus kid's dad. What a blessing! But I am anxious about it. Anxious I'll say something awkward because being with all of them wouldn't even be happening if it weren't for him, so he will be present even though he is defiantly not present anymore. Anxious I won't be able to keep my sadness at bay and be a downer. Anxious that it will just be painful, rather than joyful, because I won't be able to get out of my own head.
But I am going anyway, because I have to trust that they invited me knowing which one I am and what I'm going through. That connection is healing. That even if there are awkward or sad moments, it will be okay. That I don't have to stay curled in on myself until I'm capable of putting on my socially-acceptable panties. That I can just show up, whole and imperfect and awkward and real, and perhaps that willingness is the most healing thing of all.
I don't have to stay curled in on myself until I'm capable of putting on my socially-acceptable panties. Love this
I went into this pandemic with a husband. While the pandemic isn't "over", my marriage of 31 years sure is. In fact it was on our actual wedding anniversary that he broke the news. It gets better. He did it on a zoom call with our marriage counselor. Said he was looking for joy and I wasn't it. He took a suitcase and moved out. 31 years and he takes 1 suitcase.
He said he doesn't like the woman Ive become and my values don't appeal to him, and he isn't interested in anything that I am. Just celebrated 10 years of sobriety. I had a feeling we were gonna end up here. It's hard to be in an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't have some kind of spiritual practice Who drinks a lot and doesn't want to talk about his feelings. Thats sounds familiar. It's taken me this long to sort of accept it. I'm not thrilled to be in this position. I mean the last time I was looking for love was 4am in the toilet of Smart Bar Chicago in 1989.. So I'm coming out of this global pandemic with new skin, a new lease on life. I don't know what's in store or where I'm headed. I just know that it's gonna blow my silver hair back. Like, a lot! So much in fact, I'll consider some wigs. who knows?? I'm a 55 year old woman living in grace, integrity and humor. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna lose my edge.
I want you to know that this is one of the bravest things I've read. I see that it's been two years since you posted. I would like to think you are doing even better now. Kindest regards.
Coward. 31 years and a zoom call? on your anniversary? Coward.
Ah geez... ever since I was in high school I've been preaching that most males are shallow assh*les that would benefit immensely from castration. Fifty years later this hasn't changed.
I'm embarrassed to be of this gender.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Sounds really hurtful.
Not to be a debbie downer but I think i will miss the conversations i was having with folks during the shutdown, i admit they were fewer in number, but, they were actually like real conversations like exchanging ideas and discussing stuff and taking time to really listen to what other folks had to say, and I think now, in an effort to get back to our pre shutdown breakneck pace of things we all had been accustomed to, the " hi-how-r-you-fine-busy-gotta go" psuedo conversations will quickly return, like the traffic.
A bodyguard of sorts.
I think for me, since I have my kids and grandchildren close by and was able to see each other outside and 6 feet apart, it’s maybe a little easier, especially since we got vaccinated. However, since mask mandates have been lifted, I feel so concerned about how to move forward. I want to see friends, and have lunch, but at the same time very very concerned. I’m one of those people that will ask, are you vaccinated? People are saying I’m not supposed to ask that, but I’m saying I want to know who I’m with. At this point, I will only see people that I can trust with my heart.
Thanks for taking care of yourself. Please know I'm asking everyone if they're vaccinated too.
Thank you for letting me know!
Of course! :)
I related so to much of what you wrote. I have become quieter, less interested in constant activity. And yet I feel more open to occasional interruptions as I'm now able to sit outside on my patio in my corner apartment where neighbors walk by, admire my tiny garden, and sometimes stop to chat a bit. I'm 84 and healthy. I love to walk (better alone so I can hear and see nature and not run my mouth.) I love to swim laps. It's a form of meditation for me. The past year helped me make peace with the okayness of settling into the quieter last phase of my life and making connections with friends and family really count by being heart present, not off in my head. Thank you and bless your continued work.
After over a year in isolation, with only a handful of essential ventures out by car, I got my second shot yesterday. On the way home, I too got angry in traffic. I will try to follow the Lazarus model from now on.
I love the image of the bodyguard. It helps explain a lot. Today I woke up just sad, and I'm not quite sure why. My emotions are definitely on the surface. I am so tired of my husband working from home. I feel like my skin is crawling, just rubbed raw, it's usual introvert bubble and protection gone.
Pastor Nadia thanks for writing this.
I’ve been sober for 16 years are you attending AA at the beginning and then went to celebrate recovery meetings. When the pandemic hit everything was zoom meetings.
I too went from having a slam schedule with my own catering business, trying to find mean I’m making a living wow is this just kept canceling until they were all canceled. Six months into the pandemic we were officially closed after 13 years.
The only contact I had with my wife I’m coworkers at a job at a BBQ restaurant And then executive chef position with hours a chef for dream of.
“Everything that happens, God turns it to good for its Gods ability to do so”
I did Not realize how not attending meetings in person affecting me.
13 months and I was done. It was either go to a meeting in person or something else. I’ve been sober 16 years and she’s in life for 15 years (suicide attempt) there is a huge difference being with forks that get it and forks that don’t.
I found it interesting how you wrote about Lazarus eyes adjusting to the light and how that hurt. I can relate.
Yes change in hurt i’ll be painful sometimes but I can also remind you to be grateful for what you have and for what you don’t have.
Was covid something to be fearful of? Yes. Looking back on how it lasting more than we thought and even it continued something to fear more of it the Vaccines were available, after 13 months if that I was a risk I still would’ve ran to that AA meeting like I did. Hell at that point it would be a high chance of getting COVID, relapsing, or dieing on my terms. I would’ve been screwed anyways. I am grateful for the vaccine we are slowly coming out of our shell in many different ways and that I am still sober and I am still here on this earth. I am more grateful for things I noticed the little things in life and I praise God for them
Still sober is the biggie, well done keep on truckin
This whole pandemic has gone on so much way too long that unfortunately a lot of things have just become how it has been for so long....was talking to someone yesterday with a child in her life who was in kindergarten when the schools closed in 2020 and is just dwelling in this post apocalyptic mess where first grade is nothing like we want for her......I didn't even realize some of my pain until last week at the end of a large meeting I attended from home the hospital CEO showed a slideshow of pandemic scrapbook photos of all our hospital miracle colleagues in masks, showing up....continuing the old work and inventing the new things that were needed.....the pictures of them there at the front of the pandemic holding each other people comforting each other face shield to face shield, gowned arms embracing.......and I just started sobbing. Looking at all those pictures I could feel all of us just persevering through all of this and the fear and the loneliness and the exhaustion and the horror and the difficulty at home with our families and the schools and the childcare and all the dryness of 16 months with no concerts or hockey or soccer or choir or church or gym......plus all the people that have gone like my mother will not see again still unburied waiting in the funeral home.......I've worked at the hospital for a long time and it reminds me of Deep Space Nine or a big space station and it is a home and a family.....the slide show went on and on because the pandemic has gone on and on and we keep going on and on together one day at a time. It felt good to be a blubbering mess and really feel it for a few minutes. I'm pretty much assuming we will get out of this like we got in one foot in front of the other and some things we invented we will keep like more telemedicine but some things are going to be a scorched mess that we have to somehow comfort like the hearts of our kindergartners......
How do we catch up? Wow. Thanks for focusing on this. It probably start with me apologizing to my siblings for taking out most of my sometimes-bitchy pandemic anxiety on them in all our text string conversations. I guess it’s also important to ask them how they feel the pandemic has changed them. It’s SO easy, especially with family, to just have this autopilot assumption the they’re same people you always knew, with the same baggage, same issues, etc. It’s so programmed into our brains when it comes to family. I need to assume the best, including complexity and change. I’m still working on this...that is, how to assume the very best about people and REALLY assume it, not just hope for it.
I don’t quite feel like Lazarus yet - haven’t gotten out to do things and see people. Work is still telework and I sit in my apartment almost all the time. Going to Maui for a chunk of July though with my husband, daughter and a few friends, including a pastor friend who is part of our own “hedge of protection” - love that term so much. 🙏🏻
this is so descriptive of my experience. all of it. Doing that ONE THING and then having to go back into reset mode.. and the anxiety when there are days with more than ONE THING and the Lazarus skin inner and outer. thank you for putting words on all of this.
Thank you for your honesty. I incidentally have lots of social engagements planned for this week (especially relative to the past 16 months) and although I'm the most extraverted of my friends (or used to be) I'm catching myself being anxious about all my plans. Everything still just feels so precarious not least of all, who I am in others company.