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Gwen's avatar

Growing up Christian I mourned my grandmother in the Christian fashion. That is to say unstructured and messy. Being married to a Jewish man when my grandfather passes I mourned him as I would my father (I was fatherless and he filled that void.) We said Kaddish for my Pentecostal pastor of a grandfather every week for a year. When my mom passed we sat Shiva for days, said Kaddish weekly, and I observed they 7 day, 30 day, and 1 year rituals. But the structure- 7 days of deep mourning- crying sleeping talking to anyone else who will listen about your loved one. Helped get "it out" A month of mourning- no parties, movies, shopping, haircuts, etc. Sets you apart as a subset of people who are still deeply grieving. Still remembering. You are working- doing what is obligatory, but nothing more. Makes sense to me. I didn't want to anyway. After a month you start to re enter life again. Find a new normal. But every time you go to synagogue you say kaddish. It is a special time set aside for an entire year when you think about your loved one. That way it doesn't sneak up on you- hey I haven't thought of ××× in 2 weeks- 4 weeks...and feel guilty or that overwhelming sense of grief. It is presecheduled for you. You know Friday night and/or Saturday morning you go and say prayers for your loved one. It is so hard at first crying your way through the prayer...by the end of the year you say it with comforting thoughts. Then you say it seasonally. It becomes an emotional blessing. The structure (for me) helps. But I am just a Christian going to Synagogue with my husband...

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Gloria Berlin's avatar

In the Jewish tradition when someone passes, we sit shiva. Some sit for 7 days some for 3. It’s a time to remember the loved one who died and eat. People come by and share their condolences. There is a minion, usually 10 men who do the prayer for the dead.

One year later we have the unveiling of the headstone. I think it gives people time to share their sadness and then start to live with the loss.

I love the visual. You never get over the loss you just get bigger around it! Thank you for this reflection.

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