Growing up Christian I mourned my grandmother in the Christian fashion. That is to say unstructured and messy. Being married to a Jewish man when my grandfather passes I mourned him as I would my father (I was fatherless and he filled that void.) We said Kaddish for my Pentecostal pastor of a grandfather every week for a year. When my mom passed we sat Shiva for days, said Kaddish weekly, and I observed they 7 day, 30 day, and 1 year rituals. But the structure- 7 days of deep mourning- crying sleeping talking to anyone else who will listen about your loved one. Helped get "it out" A month of mourning- no parties, movies, shopping, haircuts, etc. Sets you apart as a subset of people who are still deeply grieving. Still remembering. You are working- doing what is obligatory, but nothing more. Makes sense to me. I didn't want to anyway. After a month you start to re enter life again. Find a new normal. But every time you go to synagogue you say kaddish. It is a special time set aside for an entire year when you think about your loved one. That way it doesn't sneak up on you- hey I haven't thought of ××× in 2 weeks- 4 weeks...and feel guilty or that overwhelming sense of grief. It is presecheduled for you. You know Friday night and/or Saturday morning you go and say prayers for your loved one. It is so hard at first crying your way through the prayer...by the end of the year you say it with comforting thoughts. Then you say it seasonally. It becomes an emotional blessing. The structure (for me) helps. But I am just a Christian going to Synagogue with my husband...
In the Jewish tradition when someone passes, we sit shiva. Some sit for 7 days some for 3. It’s a time to remember the loved one who died and eat. People come by and share their condolences. There is a minion, usually 10 men who do the prayer for the dead.
One year later we have the unveiling of the headstone. I think it gives people time to share their sadness and then start to live with the loss.
I love the visual. You never get over the loss you just get bigger around it! Thank you for this reflection.
What is also a part of Native tradition at the end of the grief period is to have a give-a-way. All during this silent time family are making and gathering things to be given to family and friends at the Give-a Way. The person is honored, the people are blessed.
Thank you for your thoughtful series of messages on loss and grief.
Like many people during the pandemic I have particular trouble managing my sorrows at this festive season.
This week I attended, virtually, a wonderful rendition of Mozart's Requiem, presented with indigenous soloists by the Canadian Opera Company.
My sorrows were woven in with the heartfelt outpouring of this memorial masterpiece.
Musing on the strangeness of beginning Advent with a requiem I realized that there could be no better way than with this choral expression which concludes with Agnus Dei - Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.
Beautiful reflections! May their memories be a blessing! I think you are touching on something very important how grief is a mixture of feeling the loss of this person we love, that we won't share additional experiences of them and make more memories but then also this bit about who we were in the relationship and the unfinished business. And I like the jars of growth around the grief because I feel like that is the space we need to finish our business with our dear departed so we can just hold that ball at the bottom that is our salute to their beauty and the love that we shared with them and for them......
I'm adjacent to 2 different deaths and dying this week. I'm juggling my anger with my sympathy and trying to uncharacteristically sit and be present. My adopted children's birthmom overdosed the day before Thanksgiving, the day before she was going to spend the day with her most wounded birthchild who felt stood up and then a day later grieving. He has fetal alcohol syndrome and is unable to be independent. I was supposed to make funeral arrangements.
The other dying is the patriarch of my SO cofamily. He's old. It's somewhat easier, but the wounds and conflicting needs of his offspring and nearest friends is hard to watch. Anyway, your meditation on grief was helpful
Today, I grieve the loss of our churchwarden who died last week, but I'm also grieving the impending loss of a dear colleague. We are caring for her on our unit, and it's so bloody hard. So when I bawled my way through vespers in memory of our churchwarden, it wasn't really why I was crying. Grief really does just invite all it's bastard friends in - I'm reminded of losing my best friend to cancer at 13, another who was killed in a road accident, another friend who died by suicide a couple of years ago. The other colleagues we have cared for as they died. It's like the gremlins of people lost far too soon, and even those lost after a long and fufilled life, just climb back in. And then I feel guilty, because I'm not grieving the 'right' person..... I pray all their memories will be for blessing, but it's just so sodding hard.....
"I wonder if our grief metabolized for a year before we spoke of our dead, would it allow the words we spoke to be less about us and more about them?" Wow... Thank you Nadia.
Thank you for this! It truly spoke to me and am flagging to reread periodically. We lost our only daughter (at age 47) almost 3 1/2 years ago very suddenly. She developed a pulmonary embolus as a result of a fractured leg and could not be revived. My husband, my daughter and I were very close and this has been so very hard, especially as this was a new injury and she was staying with us as she was no weight bearing. I struggle with the worry that I missed something before this occurred. She was a wonderful person, loved by so very, very many, not just us. Your words and the comments of others are so very comforting.
Nadia, this moved me so much and what you say is so in line with my experience. I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that Noah's memory will never be a blessing to the world. To so many, it is a curse--and understandably so. But I am finally able to let the memory of who he was to me before the shooting be a blessing I can receive. During his healthy years in recovery, he taught me so much. I especially loved the image of the jars. Yes, in order to contain the tragedy and not want to die, I have had to enlarge my capacity for living. These days, his death and crime take up less space. I have so much more to say, but really, I just wanted to thank you. Hope you are well these days, friend.
Grief is a Bitch!!! Let's talk about grief for someone who hurt you. My parents physically and emotionally abused me. At 57 I am just coming to grips with that and am in counseling working through that trauma and how it has warped my life. Yet. my Mother was killed on her morning walk by an inattentive driver on August 9, 2004, and my father passed on February 3, 2015, from Alzheimer's after a seven-plus-year struggle in which I was his primary caregiver. So, how does one sort this out? They are my parents, they adopted me, but that's another warped story. The grief I feel for the loss of my parents is vastly different than the grief I feel for my best friend Kevin who passed September 2020 from colon cancer. So, grief a Bitch!!!
I love the idea of not mentioning the person's name for a year. I was very thankful my mother died during the pandemic because it limited the number of people at the funeral home and service. It was already hard enough processing the grief and trauma throughout the years. She lived a double life. All of those well wishers had no idea. Even the ones claiming what a great friend she was, didn't know she slandered and made fun of them behind their backs. It really has taken a year to process all the emotions and find true peace through it all.
A timely post for me as a dear friend passed away suddenly a few days ago. It struck me down as death often does when a loved one leaves this earth. The loss feels so huge in that moment and it feels unbearable for a time as I soften into the depth of sadness that arises in me. The permanence of death always shocks me to the core…I was overtaken with thoughts of how precious life is and how I want to appreciate and savor each day going forward. And how I will miss his earthly presence and the space he occupied along side all of us who were graced in togetherness at calling him our friend. Death takes the person from us at the same time offering us the chance to grieve, remember, laugh, cry, and be grateful for the experiences we had together, joy fills the empty space in every thought of him I have going forward.
This past year my husband of 30 years and one of our family of 25 years died a few weeks apart. My children and I have been trying to deal with grief but remember in joy. Reading this helped. I have sent it on to the kids. Thank yu so very much.
30 years... I hope the memories you have will indeed mellow and refine with time. My wife passed two years ago, and I am working with my young children's coping with their memories. Each of us are handling it so differently: different reactions, different speeds, different expectations... different outcomes. Sometimes all I can do is let them know I'm going through it too. "Perhaps that is enough."
Growing up Christian I mourned my grandmother in the Christian fashion. That is to say unstructured and messy. Being married to a Jewish man when my grandfather passes I mourned him as I would my father (I was fatherless and he filled that void.) We said Kaddish for my Pentecostal pastor of a grandfather every week for a year. When my mom passed we sat Shiva for days, said Kaddish weekly, and I observed they 7 day, 30 day, and 1 year rituals. But the structure- 7 days of deep mourning- crying sleeping talking to anyone else who will listen about your loved one. Helped get "it out" A month of mourning- no parties, movies, shopping, haircuts, etc. Sets you apart as a subset of people who are still deeply grieving. Still remembering. You are working- doing what is obligatory, but nothing more. Makes sense to me. I didn't want to anyway. After a month you start to re enter life again. Find a new normal. But every time you go to synagogue you say kaddish. It is a special time set aside for an entire year when you think about your loved one. That way it doesn't sneak up on you- hey I haven't thought of ××× in 2 weeks- 4 weeks...and feel guilty or that overwhelming sense of grief. It is presecheduled for you. You know Friday night and/or Saturday morning you go and say prayers for your loved one. It is so hard at first crying your way through the prayer...by the end of the year you say it with comforting thoughts. Then you say it seasonally. It becomes an emotional blessing. The structure (for me) helps. But I am just a Christian going to Synagogue with my husband...
I appreciate your description.
In the Jewish tradition when someone passes, we sit shiva. Some sit for 7 days some for 3. It’s a time to remember the loved one who died and eat. People come by and share their condolences. There is a minion, usually 10 men who do the prayer for the dead.
One year later we have the unveiling of the headstone. I think it gives people time to share their sadness and then start to live with the loss.
I love the visual. You never get over the loss you just get bigger around it! Thank you for this reflection.
What is also a part of Native tradition at the end of the grief period is to have a give-a-way. All during this silent time family are making and gathering things to be given to family and friends at the Give-a Way. The person is honored, the people are blessed.
Thank you for your thoughtful series of messages on loss and grief.
Like many people during the pandemic I have particular trouble managing my sorrows at this festive season.
This week I attended, virtually, a wonderful rendition of Mozart's Requiem, presented with indigenous soloists by the Canadian Opera Company.
My sorrows were woven in with the heartfelt outpouring of this memorial masterpiece.
Musing on the strangeness of beginning Advent with a requiem I realized that there could be no better way than with this choral expression which concludes with Agnus Dei - Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.
Beautiful reflections! May their memories be a blessing! I think you are touching on something very important how grief is a mixture of feeling the loss of this person we love, that we won't share additional experiences of them and make more memories but then also this bit about who we were in the relationship and the unfinished business. And I like the jars of growth around the grief because I feel like that is the space we need to finish our business with our dear departed so we can just hold that ball at the bottom that is our salute to their beauty and the love that we shared with them and for them......
I really needed this message this week as a community I am part of has experienced a great loss. Thank you Nadia. 🙏🏻
I'm adjacent to 2 different deaths and dying this week. I'm juggling my anger with my sympathy and trying to uncharacteristically sit and be present. My adopted children's birthmom overdosed the day before Thanksgiving, the day before she was going to spend the day with her most wounded birthchild who felt stood up and then a day later grieving. He has fetal alcohol syndrome and is unable to be independent. I was supposed to make funeral arrangements.
The other dying is the patriarch of my SO cofamily. He's old. It's somewhat easier, but the wounds and conflicting needs of his offspring and nearest friends is hard to watch. Anyway, your meditation on grief was helpful
Thank you.
Today, I grieve the loss of our churchwarden who died last week, but I'm also grieving the impending loss of a dear colleague. We are caring for her on our unit, and it's so bloody hard. So when I bawled my way through vespers in memory of our churchwarden, it wasn't really why I was crying. Grief really does just invite all it's bastard friends in - I'm reminded of losing my best friend to cancer at 13, another who was killed in a road accident, another friend who died by suicide a couple of years ago. The other colleagues we have cared for as they died. It's like the gremlins of people lost far too soon, and even those lost after a long and fufilled life, just climb back in. And then I feel guilty, because I'm not grieving the 'right' person..... I pray all their memories will be for blessing, but it's just so sodding hard.....
"I wonder if our grief metabolized for a year before we spoke of our dead, would it allow the words we spoke to be less about us and more about them?" Wow... Thank you Nadia.
Thank you for this! It truly spoke to me and am flagging to reread periodically. We lost our only daughter (at age 47) almost 3 1/2 years ago very suddenly. She developed a pulmonary embolus as a result of a fractured leg and could not be revived. My husband, my daughter and I were very close and this has been so very hard, especially as this was a new injury and she was staying with us as she was no weight bearing. I struggle with the worry that I missed something before this occurred. She was a wonderful person, loved by so very, very many, not just us. Your words and the comments of others are so very comforting.
Nadia, this moved me so much and what you say is so in line with my experience. I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that Noah's memory will never be a blessing to the world. To so many, it is a curse--and understandably so. But I am finally able to let the memory of who he was to me before the shooting be a blessing I can receive. During his healthy years in recovery, he taught me so much. I especially loved the image of the jars. Yes, in order to contain the tragedy and not want to die, I have had to enlarge my capacity for living. These days, his death and crime take up less space. I have so much more to say, but really, I just wanted to thank you. Hope you are well these days, friend.
Oh my sweet friend, thank you for writing this. May Noah's memory be a blessing. I think of you guys often. sending love, N
Grief is a Bitch!!! Let's talk about grief for someone who hurt you. My parents physically and emotionally abused me. At 57 I am just coming to grips with that and am in counseling working through that trauma and how it has warped my life. Yet. my Mother was killed on her morning walk by an inattentive driver on August 9, 2004, and my father passed on February 3, 2015, from Alzheimer's after a seven-plus-year struggle in which I was his primary caregiver. So, how does one sort this out? They are my parents, they adopted me, but that's another warped story. The grief I feel for the loss of my parents is vastly different than the grief I feel for my best friend Kevin who passed September 2020 from colon cancer. So, grief a Bitch!!!
I love the idea of not mentioning the person's name for a year. I was very thankful my mother died during the pandemic because it limited the number of people at the funeral home and service. It was already hard enough processing the grief and trauma throughout the years. She lived a double life. All of those well wishers had no idea. Even the ones claiming what a great friend she was, didn't know she slandered and made fun of them behind their backs. It really has taken a year to process all the emotions and find true peace through it all.
A timely post for me as a dear friend passed away suddenly a few days ago. It struck me down as death often does when a loved one leaves this earth. The loss feels so huge in that moment and it feels unbearable for a time as I soften into the depth of sadness that arises in me. The permanence of death always shocks me to the core…I was overtaken with thoughts of how precious life is and how I want to appreciate and savor each day going forward. And how I will miss his earthly presence and the space he occupied along side all of us who were graced in togetherness at calling him our friend. Death takes the person from us at the same time offering us the chance to grieve, remember, laugh, cry, and be grateful for the experiences we had together, joy fills the empty space in every thought of him I have going forward.
This past year my husband of 30 years and one of our family of 25 years died a few weeks apart. My children and I have been trying to deal with grief but remember in joy. Reading this helped. I have sent it on to the kids. Thank yu so very much.
30 years... I hope the memories you have will indeed mellow and refine with time. My wife passed two years ago, and I am working with my young children's coping with their memories. Each of us are handling it so differently: different reactions, different speeds, different expectations... different outcomes. Sometimes all I can do is let them know I'm going through it too. "Perhaps that is enough."